“Not most days, no.”
We sat for an extended period, both contemplating our own demons.
“You’re not making me feel much better,” I said.
“That’s not why I’m here. I’m not trying to make you feel better. I’m showing you that you can go on… if not for yourself, then for the people you love. You can do it and you can succeed because you’re strong. And then, one day, you’ll be outside watching your kid playing in the sandbox, and he’ll look up at you with love in his eyes and he’ll say, ‘Daddy, I love you.’ That, Quinn, that is when you’ll know you did it for yourself.”
I let out the breath I’d been holding. God damn, Jake was deep.
As I had my whole life, I didn’t feel worthy… not even of this conversation. He was so much more than me. But maybe that was okay. Maybe I didn’t have to be Jake. Right up until tragedy came knocking, I’d actually been loving being me. I loved Sketch Monsters. I loved our music. And despite everything that had happened the last time we’d been on that stage, no one could dispute that the guys and me—Matty, Mike, and Iron Maiden lovin’ Brandon—we’d fuckin’ shone.
“I wish I had a bottle of tequila so I could take a shot every time you said something profound, Jake.”
“I have my moments.” He grinned. “So, what do you want to do?”
“I don’t know.”
“Yes, you do. What do you want, Quinn? Really think about it. What is the most important thing to you? Focus on that first, and once you have that nailed down, go to the next most important thing and nail that down.”
“Jess. She’s most important to me. I don’t want to lose her.”
“Then you start with Jess. Here’s what I’ve learned about women—get that shot glass ready—you can’t justsayit, Quinn. You’ve got toshowit. Meaning you can’t walk back into the guesthouse and tell Jess you love her and think that will make everything go away. First you show her. Then you tell her. Then you get your shit rocked. Easy.”
I laughed. The first time I had in a while. In his straightforward, low-energy way, Jake gave me hope.
“Word of advice, though,” he said. “Put a stop to the rumors. Don’t let Jess shoulder this herself. She’s only in this position because she had the misfortune of stumbling into the McKallister family. However you have to do it, fix it!”
A plan began to populate in my head. I could do that. This was good. At least now I had goals. A purpose. Maybe it wasn’t too late to turn this sinking ship around.
“What do you think I should do about the band?” I asked. “Do we retire Sketch Monsters or rename it? Or do we keep it the same now that we’ve got the sympathy factor on our side?”
Jake’s face soured. “Like I do, you mean?”
I froze. “That’s not what I meant.”
He shook his head. “You think I had it so easy, don’t you?”
“No. I know you’ve never had it easy.”
“I mean professionally. You think they took one look at my tragic backstory and swung those doors wide open for me. Jake McKallister. The kidnapped kid. Come one, come all. But what you don’t know, Quinn, is that I was a joke. A novelty. I was supposed to be a one-hit wonder—a way for music execs to make a quick buck off my tragedy. And they were right. People did come. They came to gawk. To point. To laugh. To pity. But they didn’t come for me. And they sure as shit didn’t come for my music. I don’t think you understand what it took for me to get up on that stage, knowing what I knew. Knowing that I was a joke. And then add to that, I was still a kid. A kid with a lot of psychological issues. I wanted to quit every day. I hated everything about the exploitation and the mocking and the disrespect. So, when you say my tragic backstory got me in the door, technically you’re right. But it only got me in the door so they could slam it in my face. I could have given up and come home. I could have put my guitar down and never played again.”
Jake paused a moment, maybe collecting his thoughts.
“So why didn’t you?” I probed, needing the answer more than he knew.
“Because I refused to let them win. If they insisted on turning me into a circus animal, then I insisted on getting my just dues. I started defying their orders, and instead of playing the cover music they tried to force on me, I started singing my own songs—the ones I’d written from that place inside that makesmegreat. And people stopped laughing. They stopped talking and started paying attention, even singing along. And I got stronger and stronger until finally no one could stop my forward roll even if they tried.
“That’s what you have to do, Quinn. Stop listening to the noise. You’re not the poster boy for this tragedy. Get back on that stage and shut them up!”
I had no words. Nothing. We sat in silence for a long while until I finally found my voice.
“All these years,” I said, shaking my head. “I’ve treated you like shit, blaming you for everything that went wrong in my life and my career. You must hate me.”
“I don’t hate you. I’ve never hated you. You are a pain in the ass, though.”
“I know.” I agreed. “I’m sorry if I ever implied you sailed along on your name alone. It was easier for my ego to credit your success to the kidnapping rather than admit it was your superior talent that got you where you are today. In my defense, I’ve never known much about your early life. Mom and Dad kept it from me, and once I got old enough to go searching for the information myself, I was too wrapped up in my own pettiness to care about you. The truth is, I’ve always felt like an outsider in this family. You guys all have this shared experience, and then there’s Grace and me. We’re like imposters in your world.”
“You’re not imposters. Maybe your experience wasn’t the same as mine or Emma’s or Kyle’s, but you had struggles none of us faced. My childhood, before Ray, is something I can look back on and smile about. Can you say the same?”
