“I do.”
“I figured you would – McMuffins are neatly stacked and organized.”
“You’re such a dick.” He grinned and whacked me in the shoulder before heading off toward his room.
“Oh, and Mitch? I do have one more question.”
He stopped, turning back and flashing me a quizzical expression.
“When there’s discount day at The Container Store, do you turn that sales floor into your own personal sperm bank?”
25
Samantha: Unfinished Business
Ijolted awake to the sounds of banging.
“Uugghh,” I groaned, wrapping the pillow over my ears. Not again. With their headboard against my furthest wall, I’d thought I would be safe, but no. I just happened to be rooming with the horniest Harry Potter geeks this side of Hogwarts. Who knew the magically inclined were so prolific in the sack?
The only bright spot of being woken up on a weekend to thumping and pumping was that Stewart didn’t have much staying power. Sometimes, as a way to pass the time, I even counted. Once he racked up a whole minute and thirty eight seconds. But more typically, by the time they got to the point where the headboard was bouncing against the wall, he didn’t have much left in that skinny body of his.
Then camethe finish– arguably the worst part of the uncomfortable eavesdropping forced upon me. Good god, they were like two snowy owls hooting. I half expected their Potter patronuses to shoot out of them and gallop around the house. Tightening my grip on the pillow, I cushioned my ears and hummed the theme song toFriends. It seemed appropriate under the circumstances. I mean ,they were my friends... and roommates. But at nine o’clock on a Saturday morning, like clockwork, I hated their guts.
After I secured a job with an environmental survey firm, I took up Shannon and Stewart’s offer to share a two-bedroom home only a few short miles from where I’d lived in high school. It hadn’t been an easy decision, being so close to my mother again. She hadn’t gone to prison, but she’d been required to undergo mandatory mental health treatment as part of her plea agreement. Auntie Kim had kept the specifics away from me, and I was glad for it. I had no desire to be part of my mother’s life ever again, so what she was up to nowadays was not my concern. All I asked was not to accidentally run into her at the grocery store.
In the end, I took my friends up on the offer because it was the most fiscally responsible decision I could make. Once I saved up enough, I would find a place of my own and let the love birds fornicate in peace and harmony. And aside from their prolific love life, I really did enjoy their company. They included me in their life and never made me feel like a third wheel. If Shannon was cuddled up next to Stewart watching a movie, I was on the other side of him, resting my head on his shoulder as I shoveled popcorn into my mouth.
My besties were in love, and it was only a matter of time before Stewart got down on one knobby knee and proposed. They’d have some weird sci-fi wedding – no joke, they were already planning it – and there would be lots and lots of single tables for their scientist friends. A year or two later would come the little red-haired gingersnaps just as adorably precocious as their parents.
I was happy for Shannon. Truly, I was. But listening to her gush about her life and her future only reminded me of what I would never have. When you were born branded by Fate, there was no point in looking ahead. I’d chewed on Preston’s cruel words for months, angry not only at him but at the world for strapping me to my mother’s illness. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that what Preston was saying was true. I couldn’t risk passing on the disease to my own flesh and blood, much less forcing my special brand of crazy on an unsuspecting man.
Sometimes I wondered if I should’ve just taken Preston up on his offer. With him, I could have traveled the world, albeit in steerage when his parents were around, but at least I would have had a good man by my side. Trouble was, I didn’t love Preston anymore, and if I wanted to be totally honest with myself, I never had. Don’t get me wrong, I tried – I really did – but Preston could never break into that place in my heart that was reserved for someone else.
After Shannon and Stewart’s grand finale, I removed the pillow and stared at the ceiling, listening to the vibrations of my phone. Social media was blowing up, and for good reason. Today was the day we’d all been waiting for – the day the town’s prodigal son returned for a benefit concert at the fairgrounds. And even though his name wasn’t officially on the banner for the event, everyone knew who the surprise musician would be. Jake McKallister, the worst kept secret in the county.
Tickets were hard to come by, but luckily I had an ace in the hole by way of Shannon, one of Jake’s unlikeliest of superfans. While many townsfolk followed his career, you’d have been hard-pressed to find one as committed as Shannon. She’d taken the extra creepy step of stalking him online and knowing where he was in the world at any given moment. So when the concert was announced with a mystery guest, and Shannon could pinpoint him back in town during that time, she was the first one online snapping up the tickets the minute they went on sale.
“Wake up. Wake up!” My McKallister-obsessed roommate burst through the door and into my room, instantly crawling over me like a six-foot spider.
“Go away.” I shuddered. “You’re covered in Stewart slime.”
“Were you listening to us again?” she asked, fingers digging into my side.
“It’s not listening if my ears just hear you.”
“Oh, no. You were counting, weren’t you?” She laughed. “How long did he last this time?”
“Forty-seven seconds.”
“Huh.” Shannon jutted out her bottom lip. “That long?”
We dissolved into a fit of giggles.
“I hate you both,” Stewart said, apparently having been there the whole time to hear the unflattering attacks on his sexual prowess. “The thing is, Sam, you don’t know what led up to those glorious forty-seven seconds. I have talents that you can’t hear through the wall.”
“No,” Shannon replied, a mischievous smile stamped to her face. “I think Sam pretty much heard it all.”
Suddenly Stewart was yanking Shannon off my bed by her legs. “Take it back.”
