“No, Keith. Foryou. It has to be for you.”
Although I didn’t really see the difference, it seemed important enough to him that I nodded my agreement. His happiness filled me. Like no one else in my life, my father understood me. He’d once been me – the loveable loser. I wanted more than anything for him to be proud of me the same way he was proud of Mitch. Maybe if I could get myself clean… Maybe. Because, at the end of the day, I was still a daddy’s boy, desperately seeking his love and affection.
5
Keith: For Me
Although my father and I had come to a shaky agreement, he still didn’t trust me enough to allow me to walk into school by myself. Not that I blamed him, after the numerous times I’d strolled in the front entrance to the high school only to slip out the back as soon as his car left the parking lot. This time he refused to allow me out of his sight, gripping the back of my shirt as he guided me through the halls and into the main office.
And now here we were, sitting side by side on the bench outside the principal’s office, just two rebels awaiting our sentencing.
Clasping my hands behind my head, I turned toward him. “So, dude, what’re you in for?”
Although he tried, there was no suppressing the smile that transformed his face. Still, he refused to humor me with a glance in my direction. “This had better be the last time I come to the principal’s office, Keith.”
“It will be.”
“Because every time I’m in here, it shaves like five years off my life. At this rate, I’ll die at fifty.”
Patting his shoulder, I reassured him. “And you’ll have lived a good, long life.”
“You’re a piece of work, you know that?” He laughed. “I hope someday you get to experience the joy of having a kid just like you.”
“One can dream.”
The door opened and Principal King sighed as he narrowed his gaze on me. There was no love lost between the two of us. I estimated I’d taken up more of his time than a thousand normal kids combined. In fact, by the looks of his weathered face, I might eventually have a hand in his early death as well.
“In my office.” His clipped voice dripped with contempt.
The desire to flee was strong, but I’d run out of options. This shit was what I’d created. Dutifully, I rose to my feet but, before disappearing into the principal’s office, I turned toward my father, in need of a strength I knew I didn’t possess. But what I found in his eyes stopped me dead in my tracks – hope, disappointment, love, fear. He’d been beaten down, and his face was distorted with worry. Dad hadn’t been kidding. This was killing him.Iwas killing him. I fought the urge to go to him, throw my arms around his shoulders, and bury my head into his neck like I had when I was young and things were still easy.
Regret burned deep as I dropped my head and shuffled into the office.
* * *
Thankfully, the browbeating was short-lived. Principal King was more straightforward than my father had been – no cryptic alphabet clues hinting at my fate, just stark warnings about my future at Pearl Beach High School. Never had it been spelled out so clearly. The wiggle room I’d always banked on was gone. Either I got with the program or I was out.
Yeah. I’d heard it all before. The same threat had played out so many times over the years I could recite it in my sleep. So why did this one leave me feeling so edgy? Had it been that glimpse into my father’s soul, or was it just that I could finally see the future in front of me, and it wasn’t looking pretty? Continuation school – I thought not. I was either going to graduate from Pearl Beach or not at all… and ‘not at all’ seemed to be the prevailing wind.
But now I had the power to shock the hell out of the masses. The choice was simple, really: clean up my act and empty my lungs of poison, or become the nothingness everyone considered me to be. I’d been at a similar crossroads a few years before in the lunch area of Barnum Middle School. I’d had the option to walk away then, but I’d chosen the wrong path. And now, once again faced with a decision that could very possibly seal my fate, I was still waffling. What was I waiting for? All I had to do was pick what was behind door number two… and give myself a future.
It occurred to me then that I’d all but given up on myself. I myself had bought into the common belief that I was a fuck up, and I was living up to that expectation smashingly. To everyone else, I was a joke. The only people who could still seemeinside the caricature I’d become was my family. My dad. My mom. My siblings. I was still something to them, even though I could feel myself losing ground there too.
This had to stop. I didn’t want to bethatguy… the one people laughedat, not with. I didn’t want to be Pearl Beach High’s well-loved slacker anymore. I knew if I put my mind to it, I could turn this around. Certainly my people skills and proclivity for money should be enough to carry over into a legitimate job whose employee benefits didn’t include jail time.
So while I listened to the principal talk about the future he believed I’d never have, I made what I hoped would be a life-changing decision. Instead of walking toward danger, like I did so many years ago, I would allow my feet to carry me in the opposite direction – to a place where my father could be proud of me again. And maybe even to a place where I could be proud of myself.
* * *
Principal King marched me out into the main office just as the passing period bell rang. Through the large windows that spanned the entire wall, I spotted a welcoming committee of sorts. Somehow, the friends I’d left on the beach less than an hour ago were on the other side of the window, sliding their nostrils in grotesque displays along the glass.
I had to hand it to them. They hadn’t left me behind. Instead of being halfway to the zoo, my buddies had made the side trip to school to spring my sorry ass. With students flooding the hallways, how easy would it be for me to disappear into the crowd?
King grabbed my arm, pulling me back. “I’ll be waiting for you in Mrs. Lee’s class in seven minutes. I expect you to be there. If you make the wrong choice and follow them out the back door, I’m going to recommend you for transfer. Do we understand each other?”
I jerked my arm out of Principal King’s hold. He might own my ass, but that didn’t give him the right to manhandle me. Besides, he didn’t need to worry. I’d already made my choice, and it didn’t include skidding my nasal passage along single pane glass.
“Yeah, I understand.”
