“No,” I blurted out forcefully. I had no time to argue my point. I only wanted to be obeyed. “I’m telling you to let him finish. Please get me a driver so I can stop at the hotel to grab my bag. Then I want to go straight to the airport. My family needsmenow.”
Sean grabbed me by the shoulders and forced me to meet his eye. “Listen to me, Casey. Your family will want Jake there supporting you. Either let me call off the show or wait the forty-five minutes for it to be over, but please don’t leave without him. He’s yourfamilytoo.”
His words hit where they were intended, and I gulped back the giant sob sitting in the crook of my throat. Sean kept his eyes trained on me, and it was clear he had no motivation other than concern for Jakeandme.
“What do you want me to do?” he asked, looking strangely helpless for a guy who could doanything.
The first tears began to fall. This was real. My brother was dead. I couldn’t do thisalone.
“Cancel the show. I need myhusband.”
* * *
Iwas packingmy bag at the hotel with the help of Sean’s assistant when Jake burst through the door. Even from across the room I could see the worry lines crossing his forehead. His eyes swamped with sadness, Jake hurried to my side and swallowed me up into his safe, loving arms. He represented safety, and I welcomed his strong presence. Neither one of us spoke. There was no need. We both understood the crippling loss and the unimaginable challengeahead.
The sob I’d been suppressing bobbed up and down in my throat like a buoy waiting for a wave of emotion to knock it over. But right now was not the time to let it go. I needed to be strong. There was a little girl and a little boy who were worse off than I was right now. There was a father and a mother who were feeling the grief of losing their oldest child, and they needed mylevelhead.
“I don’t know what to say,” Jakewhispered.
“Why did this happen? Two kids are left without their parents.” The first prickling of rage began to rise up inside. “I’m just sick. Why? It’s not fair. None of thisisfair.”
“No.It’snot.”
Jake didn’t try to reason with me, as he knew better than most how unfair life could be, and nothing he could say or do would make any of thisright.
“My mom, Jake. What am I going to saytoher?”
“I…I don’t know, Casey. Maybe there’s just nothingtosay.”
No, there really were no words. Life had just changed forever, and I had no experience dealing with such grief. Even when Jake had fallen into a coma, I hadn’t succumbed to sorrow because I’d still had hope. This was different. All hope was lost. Miles and Darcy were gone, and no bedside vigil would bring them back. I was stepping into a whole new world. Burying my head into Jake’s chest, Icried.
We arrivedin Arizona just past midnight and sat in somber silence on the drive to my parents’ home. It seemed no words could accurately express the mood, so none were spoken. Jake’s hand was firmly in mine, a reminder that I wasn’t alone even though the emptiness I felt inside could fill a stadium. It seemed I’d cried all the tears I had to cry, and my bloodshot eyes stung from the strain. Jake had been texting Luke during the trip and was tasked with passing on the grim information to me. There was apparently no point left in going to the hospital, as my parents had already identified both Miles’ and Darcy’sbodies.
Their bodies? That’s all that was left. I gulped back the shock of those words and of my parents having to say goodbye in such a manner. I wished they had waited for Luke or me, so we could have shouldered some of the pain for them, but at the same time, I was relieved not to have had to do that myself. If all I had left of my brother and his wife were memories, I wanted them to be good ones. But what of my parents? They’d brought Miles into this world and had been the last to see him go. I couldn’t even begin to imagine what that was like. I didn’twantto.
I hadn’t even known the tears had started up again until Jake pulled me tighter to him. Laying my weary head against his shoulder, I grabbed the arm he’d laid over my shoulder and drew it toward my chest, hanging onto him for dear life. His lips brushed past my forehead as his body settled against mine. It would be the last moment of peace for a verylongtime.
People were milling aboutas we walked through the front doors of my childhood home. It was a solemn affair that greeted us. Heads were hung in despair as we moved between grievers, adding our own sorrow into the mix. Miles and Darcy’s kids had both fallen asleep in exhaustion, propped up on either side of my father. I’d been told that Riley had awoken to the sounds of sobbing and had to be told of his parents’ death. Any later attempts to move the exhausted children into beds had failed miserably, so they were allowed to remain where they felt mostcomfortable.
Leaving Jake with my father and brother, I found my mother in the living room. She was sitting in the center of our sectional couch, staring at the wall adorned with family pictures, her own mother nestled by her side. As I came around the room and took the other spot beside her, my mother didn’t acknowledge my presence. In fact, I wondered if she knew I was there at all. She seemed to be in a sort of trance as her eyes moved back and forth over thepictures.
Meeting my grandma’s eyes, she lightly shook her head as if to warn me to keep silent. She then looked down at her hand, which was tenderly stroking my mother’s. Understanding the meaning, I nodded before folding my fingers into my mother’s and wrapping my arm around her back. Together the three of us sat like that for a long while. No words were spoken between us. Even when the kids woke and the sounds of their crying filled the space around us, my mother remaineddazed.
I considered leaving her side to tend to my niece and nephew, but decided against it. My mother’s devotion to her children had been absolute, and now, in her time of need, I was determined to give it back. Suddenly, the sweet sound of music wafted through the air. I swallowed the lump in my throat as I imagined my husband sitting quietly at the piano, gently pressing down on the keys in a desperate attempt to soothe not only his own sorrow but that of those around him. My mother turned her head toward the sound, blinking a few times in rapid succession before focusing her gaze back on me. I could see the fog clearing. Jake’s music seemed toawakenher.
“Casey? You’re here,” she said, squeezingmyhand.
“I am, Mama.I’mhere.”
The lines in her face deepened as she cupped my cheeks in her shaking hands. It was then that we both succumbed to thesadness.
12
Jake:Bereavement
Miles and Darcywere laid to rest five days after the fiery crash that took their lives. According to witnesses at the scene, the young woman who hit their car head on had been texting when she ran a red light. Three lives gone, just like that. Most of the last few days, I’d wandered around aimlessly, offering support where needed and just being there for Casey as she and her family grieved. I was unaccustomed to being the supporter, as my whole life had always been about people rallying around me. I’d never really considered the toll my tragedy had taken on those around me until the tables were turned and it was I who stood by helplessly, struggling to easeanother’spain.
My family had turned out in force for the funeral. In the over two and a half years Casey and I had been together, a bond had formed, especially between our mothers. Last year had been my mother’s time of need, while I lay near death in the hospital, and it had been Linda who’d been there to offer her support; and now my mother was sadly returning the favor. Whatever bond they’d formed over the years was serving its purpose today, as Linda seemed to draw strength from my mother, who certainly knew a thing or two aboutgrief.
