Tony acted like he was doing me a huge favor, when in reality, he was the one in imminent danger of sinking to the ocean floor like the anchor of a fishing vessel. Although I had to admit, that belly of his was floating nicely. Tony heaved and grunted, his plumber’s crack on full display. And, like passing by a car accident with bodies littering the road, I couldn’t look away. That hairy line of fur, which presumably had started somewhere up his back, disappeared between the whitest butt cheeks I’deverseen.
It wasn’t until he’d extracted about two inches of his body out of the water, that my eyes diverted back to the task at hand. It had been a gallant effort, but after twenty seconds of trying, Tony sank back down into the water like a seal sliding off a buoy. “Yeah, sorry, Jake. It’s not happening. I need a damnforklift.”
Was he using my name like we were old buds? Minutes earlier he’d been chasing after me like some creeper. Tony swiped his hand over his polished head. Still sporting tufts of hair on the sides, he was the type of bald that wasn’t fully committed to thecause.
“You’re going to be fine, Tony,” Casey said soothingly, before turning to me and lowering her voice. “He’s going to drown,isn’the?”
“No, he’s not going to drown. If I have to, I’ll drag him through thewater.”
“Why don’t you just wait with him and get the pictures out of the way, and I’ll gogethelp?”
“Pictures?” My voice raised a pitch. I was saving his life. Wasn’t thatenough?
“For his daughters. Geez, Jake. It’s his anniversary. Just wait here. I’ll bebacksoon.”
“No way. What if you fall in? There are fish in the water,remember?”
“Fine. Then I’ll wait and yougethelp.”
“I’m not leaving you with somestranger.”
“He’s not a stranger,” she protested. “It’sTony.”
“No. He’s definitely a stranger. Jesus, Casey. How have you survivedthislong?”
She rolled her eyes at me as if I were theunreasonableone.
“Anyway, we stick together or let him drown. Yourchoice.”
“Um…hello… hi,” Tony waved from his sunken position. “I can actuallyhearyou.”
“Relax,” I said. “Shepicksyou.”
After a comedy of errors,which included me jumping into the ocean and attempting to forcibly shove his ass up and out of the water, I devised a new plan. With Casey holding onto my jetski, I transferred over to Tony’s. Standing up for better leverage and height, I leaned down and offered him my hand. “On the count of three, liftyourselfup.”
By the time I said three, I’d yanked him up, but instead of getting his leg over the seat, the man face-planted directly into my dick and balls, forcing a wail from my mouth as loud as a matingwhale.
His muffled voice was blocked by my package as he asked, “Would this be a bad time to ask for yourautograph?”
* * *
Tony’s wifeTeresa was waiting for us on the dock. She was all hair and makeup and loud exaggerated talk. When we brought her water-logged husband back to dry land, you’d think, given they were celebrating their twenty-fifth wedding anniversary, that her concern for his safety would be paramount. Think again. After Casey explained to her what had happened, not only was Teresanotthe least bit concerned over his predicament but she smacked Tony upside the head and chastised him for eating the chimichanga platter the night before. As if an extra pound here or there would have made such a huge difference when it came to hauling his ass out of thewater.
Not to be outdone by her nagging, Tony went to town in an attempt to embarrass her by making an off-colored joke about the incredible amount of biking, hiking, and fornication the two had been doing since arriving in Cabo. Teresa pursed her lips and circled her finger by her ear in the universal signal for ‘He’scuckoo.’
Casey and I were spellbound; our eyes swiveled back and forth between the bickering lovebirds as if we were watching a heavyweight prizefight. It took less than a minute for us to become fully vested in the relationship of these two outspoken strangers. So amused were we by them that I was even reluctantly persuaded to accept their offer of a thank you drink. Well, one drink turned to plenty, but it was only after Teresa offered up a nightcap back in their hotel room that I motioned for my bodyguard to take us away before we got drunk enough that a night of swinger sex with Tony and Teresa began looking like a goodthing.
While I was okay with never seeing our drinking buddies again, Casey was drunkenly exchanging phone numbers with Teresa. Had I not been so wasted myself, I would have warned her against being so damn friendly all the time. Okay, I’ll admit, they were a fun couple, and yes, Tony turned out to be a cool dude when he wasn’t bobbing for my dick, but couldn’t she meet someone and just for once not become lifelong friends with them? I’d need to talk to her about that… just as soon as I found a toilet to throwupin.
It wasn’tuntil I woke up in the morning with a massive hangover and saw the anxious text from my mother that I understood the extent of Tony’s gratitude. He’d gone straight to social media to tell his amazing rescue at sea story. In his version of events, Casey and I came off as modern day saints… heroes who’d risked life and limb to save a stranger from a murky death. I was finding his storytelling quite entertaining until I clicked on the accompanying video Tony had apparently taken of us without our knowledge or consent. It was all over theInternet.
“I still can’t believe he was taking video the whole time we were out there with him,” I complained, pointing at my phone’s screen. “I blame you for this. I wanted to let him drown, but nooo… you justhadto go pluck him out of thewater.”
“Tony’s only trying to make you a star.” Casey lifted her head off the table togroan.
“I’m already a star,” I answered, wiping a dollop of drool from my lip. “I don’t needTony’shelp.”
“Okay, whiny boy. You’ve had enough googling for one day.” Casey plucked the phone from my hand. “Besides, there’s worse press you could be getting. Just be happy that the video is of you saving Tony and not of you jetskiing away. You can thankmenow.”
