He squeezed my hand. “It’s okay. I didn’t take itpersonally.”
“You never do. How can you be so forgiving? I don’tdeserveit.”
Jake turned to his side and propped himself up on one elbow. His fingers caressed my cheek as those grayish-green eyes of his, brimming with affection, gazed into mine. “Yeah,youdo.”
His devotion heartened me. Our love was real. That much I was certain of. I felt its force every day, with every touch. It terrified me to think if I didn’t pull myself together soon, Jake’s love for memightfade.
“I’m trying, Jake. Don’t give uponme.”
He flinched at my words. Of course, I understood that he wasn’t being given the credit he deserved, and that he was prepared to fight alongside me in this battle, but we were still in the early stages of my decline. Would he have the strength to stick by me for thelonghaul?
“I will find a way, Ipromise.”
Jake leaned in, his face inches from mine, and his hair tickling my forehead. “I know you will. I have faithinyou.”
“Why? What makes you think I can make itthroughthis?”
“Because I know you. The way you’ve pushed me through one crisis after another, there’s nothing you cannot do. You are, and always will be, a force to bereckonedwith.”
I could almost hear the inspirational music playing in the background and brightened at the memory of the woman I used to be – strong, fierce, and committed to the cause. We’d always scraped through every obstacle placed before us and emerged stronger for it. There was no reason to believe we couldn’t do itagain.
I felt the tiniest ray of hope lifting my dour spirits; yet fear still nagged at me. “The thing is, I’d fight to the death for you, Jake; but for myself, I don’t know how farI’dgo.”
“And that’s why youhaveme.”
“Until you get tired of my bedroom bullying and replace me with a shiny, newCasey.”
“Not gonnahappen.”
“You don’t know thatforsure.”
“Trust me, I do. You’ve ruined me foranyoneelse.”
“Ahh. Really?” I asked, pretending to be ridiculously flattered by his backward compliment. “I’veruinedyou?”
“Only you would find a positive message in that,” he said, amused and clearly relieved by the changeinmood.
I pulled up to plant a kiss on my man. “I love you, JakeMcKallister.”
Emboldened, he rose to his knees, straddling me, his eyes tempered by warmth. “I love you too, Casey McKallister. And on those days where you feel like you’re dangling off the ledge, I’ll be there to pull you back up. I’m never going to let you fall. Do you hear me? I’vegotyou.”
It had only been eight months since we’d stood in front of a crowd of our loved ones and vowed to love and cherish one another until death did us part. I’d meant every word then, and I meant every word now. And even if this great loss managed to tear us apart in the end, Jake would always and forever be the man Iloved.
In one swift movement, he sat up, pulling me with him. As we both shifted on the bed, I caught sight of the seriousness of his expression, and my stomach turned over. Whatever he was about to say, I felt certain I wasn’t going tolikeit.
“Please don’t take this the wrong way, Casey, but I have to get this out. I know you want a baby, but I really think this isn’t the right time. For everyone’s sake, you need to get to a better place before we have a child ofourown.”
I felt a little stab to my heart. He’d never wanted a baby in the first place, so I had to wonder if he was just taking the opportunity to reiterate his position. But then, he’d had ample time to back out before today and had not, so I had to believe he was being sincere – that he truly believed it was a bad idea to bear a child in this current toxicenvironment.
Problem was, I didn’t agree. Maybe he was right, and yeah, he probably was, but my brain was not leading the charge on this one. “I hear what you’re saying, and I agree with you… to an extent… but I don’t see a way forward without a baby. I’ll just linger indefinitely in this weird kind of limbo. I know it’s not an ideal mindset to have when bringing a baby into the world, but haven’t you ever had that feeling that something has to change or you just can’t moveforward?”
Jake kept his eyes focused on mine, and I could see the recognition in them as he nodded. There was no doubt he understood my dilemma, whether he currently agreed with my solutionornot.
“I need something to fill the hole in my heart. I can’t really explain it but… but… I just feel…I don’t know…I just feel like having a baby to love would take away the sadness. That precious little life could fill the void left by….” A sob caught in my throat. Just saying the name that finished the sentence made the nightmare all too real. “Anyway, I know you probably think it’s selfish, and that making a baby on a timetable is not the way it’s supposed tobe,but…”
Jake abruptly stood, pulling his shirt up and over his head. Tossing it aside, he then began the arduous task of wiggling his way out of his overly tight concert jeans. I observed his actions with surprise. This current turn of events had definitely not been anticipated. The humor of the moment was not lost on me, and even though my spirit was shrouded in sorrow, laughter still came. Jake stopped undressing, appearing both concerned and confused by my flip-flopping mood swings. Perhaps he thought I’d finally lost my mind, and maybe I had, but that dumbfounded expression on his face only served to escalate my antics further as I dissolved into full-blown hysterics. It was an odd combination of guttural sobs and gut-busting laughter and it went on for a full, very uncomfortable minute before I finally calmed down enough to breathe normally onceagain.
His mouth slightly askew, Jake just stood there with his hands on the waistband of his jeans, which had impressively been worked halfway down his thighs. Steeped in disbelief, he asked, “What the fuck is happeningrightnow?”
