I settled my attention back on Finn, who was appropriately dressed in a Spiderman costume, seeing as hewasthe human version of that specific hero. A former stuntman who specialized in jumps and wall-climbing, he could scale any surface with ease. Although after the arrival of his four-month-old daughter, he’d been spending a lot more time with his feet planted firmly on theground.
Finn was a hands-on dad and had taken to fatherhood with ease. He adored his little girl like nothing I’d ever seen. His devotion as a father was one of the things that scared me about taking the next step with Casey. As soon as we were married, she’d want to start a family, and as much as I wanted that myself, I was genuinely concerned over the type of father I’d be. Most men went through life without ever knowing what they were made of. I, unfortunately, couldn’t saythesame.
Shaking off the uncomfortable thoughts, I asked Finn, “Where’s yoursidekick?”
For the past hour he’d been on daddy duty with a picture-perfect Gerber baby strapped to his chest. I suppose if you had to wear an infant around, my niece Indiana wasn’t a bad one to put on. In fact, I’d argue she was the cutest baby ever to rock a superhero bachelor party. Clad in a Supergirl onesie, with a head full of wispy, light brown curls, Indy was as cherubic a little champion astheycame.
“Your dad’s got her. He knew I was about to bring Indiana back to Emma, so he talked me into taking a piss just so he could delay her departure time a few moreminutes.”
“Sounds about right. He’s actually scaring me with all that impromptu singing he’s been doing. I mean the minute she’s in his arms, it’s like he turns into Barney theDinosaur.”
“Finally! Thank you. I’ve been trying to figure out who he reminds me of.” Finn laughed. “Anyway, I’ve got to wrap things up because Emma’s expecting the baby back, and if I don’t deliver the goods, it’s onmyhead.”
“Youtoo?”
“Huh?”
“Nothing, it just seems everyone I know is totally whipped by their woman. I expected morefromyou.”
“Really? Have youmetyoursister?”
“That’s true. Lucky for me, I picked a less complicated girlthanyou.”
Finn scoffed at that. “Every girl is complicated, some are just more skilled at hiding it than others. False advertising, if you ask me… like those damn erectile dysfunctioncommercials.”
Oh god, I felt a honeybee storycomingon.
“They give men a false hope of what a long-term relationship looks like. You know how they go – the pretty, smiling trophy wife doting on her man while serving up hors d’oeuvres and rubbing his back… all while he watches the big game on TV. And she’shappyto do it. I mean, perfection, right? WRONG. That shit’s not real. What human male has ever lived that fantasy? Not one… ever in the existence of human males. We’re talking not evencavemen,okay?”
“Well, cavemen didn’t have televisions… or, you know, horsd’oeuvres.”
“Focus,man!”
As he said that, Finn started stripping at the urinal. His costume was essentially an adult-sized onesie, and required a partial undress just to empty his bladder. We were friends, but not that good of ones. Iturnedaway.
“You see,” Finn continued the discussion as he peed, “the commercials aren’t going to show real life scenarios. Where are the tampon wrappers in the trash? Or the home-cooked meal she makes that’s so nasty you wouldn’t even feed it to the neighbor’s dog, who barks all night while the baby’ssleeping?”
“I feel like you’re talking aboutyourselfnow.”
“I’m talking about all of us, Jake. We need to drop these lofty expectations of marriage. Sometimes she’s going to be a bitch and sometimes you’re going to be an ass, andall of the timethe neighbor’s dog will bark, but you make it work because you love each other and she’s the only womanyouwant.”
Finn shook it off and redressed. “My point is, if she makes you happy, who cares if you’rewhipped?”
“You’re missing my point, man. I’mnotwhipped, nor will Ieverbe.”
“Oh, okay,” Finn said, eyebrows arched high in amusement. “I thought I saw the movieLa La Landon your phone the other day. Maybe I waswrong.”
“That,” I mumbled, looking away in shame, “wasn’tmine.”
“Right. Of course. And the ruffled, powder blue comforter with all those flowery pillows on your bed was youridea,then?”
“I…”
“Uh-huh. And the potpourri in the bathroom that smells like an Abercrombie model took a shit… also your brilliant mindatwork?”
I hesitated. He was right. Casey was firmly in control of my masculinity. She’d taken over my whole damn house even though she didn’t even officially live there. I was already a goddamn honeybee drone, and we weren’t even married yet. “Well,fuck.”
We left the bathroom,and the minute we turned the corner, my father was there, flying Supergirl down the narrow hallway. Indiana’s eyes, wide as saucers, conveyed her pleasure with the activity by flailing her arms wildly. In the few short months Indiana had been on this earth, the two had formed an unbreakable bond. It was as sweet as it wasirritating.
