I didn’t give him the benefit of a reply, as I knew more was coming and I didn’t want to delay what I was sure would be an entertainingexplanation.
“See, the virgin queen takes a mating flight with a dozen or so male drones. Now, I know what you’re thinking… those are some lucky bees,right?”
“No, I really wasn’t thinking anythingatall.”
“I mean out of the hundreds of eligible bachelors in the colony, she picked those winged studs. Except there’s nothing lucky about it because while the two are having tiny little honeybee intercourse in the sky, at the very moment of reckoning, the drone’s genitals explode, and all his bloody miniaturized parts seal off the queen like a microscopicbuttplug!”
My eyebrows shot to the sky as I jerked my head up in alarm. This definitely wasn’t where I thought the story was going. “Jesus.”
“Exactly.” He nodded, like it all made perfect sense. “After the queen got what she wanted from the poor hapless dude, he became totally uselesstoher.”
I waited for my father to offer up any more words of wisdom, but nothing followed. That couldn’t beit. “And?”
“There’s noand, son,” he said shaking his head. “That’smarriage.”
Still a little shell-shockedfrom Dad’s rather unpleasant portrait of holy matrimony, I made my way over to my younger brother, Kyle, lounging on the couch. His eyes were closed, and one leg hung over the armrest as if he hadn’t a care in the world. I envied his relaxed state of being. If I had just a tiny bit of his slacker mentality, I was convinced I’d be a happier person. Taking in his costume of choice, I had to smile. Of all the superheroes he had to choose from, Kyle had settled on Ant-Man. Of course he had. My brother could never just be normal and select a run-of-the-mill crusader. Oh no, he had to pick a ‘hero’ who, in conjunction with millions of his closest ant friends, had brought villains to justice by hoisting them over their heads and marching the bad guys off toprison.
A swift kick to the side of the sofa didn’t produce the instantaneous effect I’d hoped for. Instead of being jarred to a vertical position, Kyle casually opened his eyes, yawned, and stretched an arm out in front of him, reminiscent of a cat waking from a daylong slumber. Was he really napping during my bachelor party? What a dick. I pushed his leg off the armrest. “I’m not sure if you’re aware, but when you lie like that, it totally showsyourjunk.”
Kyle sat up and rubbed the sleep from his eyes. “I think the word you were searching for was ‘Hello.’”
“Shouldn’t you be out there saving the world fromcrumbs?”
“Ooh, good one.” Kyle faked a laugh. “Perhaps you’re uninformed, but Ant-Man is a very complex guy with uniquepowers.”
“Yeah?Likewhat?”
“He can reduceinsize.”
“That’s self-explanatory.” I said, pretending to yawn. “Whatelse?”
“Well, he can command an ant army with his specialhelmet.”
“Todowhat?”
“I don’t know.” He shrugged, putting little to no effort into selling himself. “Antstuff.”
“You can do betterthanthat.”
“Okay, how about this?” The glint in Kyle’s eye was unmistakable. “He has inferiority issues when it comes to the stronger, more powerful, and more handsome heroes who always outshine and underestimate him. Soundfamiliar?”
A grin spread across my face. “I love yourcostume,man.”
“That’s more like it,” he said, matching my expression. “What can I doforyou?”
“Nothing. I’m trying toescapeDad.”
Kyle nodded as if he completely understood my reasoning. “Ah, yes, the infected, ingrown hair on his buttcheek.”
“What? No.” Damn, that man needed supervision when he ventured into public spaces. “Why would he beadvertisingthat?”
“I mean as far as abscesses go, it is fairlyimpressive.”
“I don’t care if it’s the size of a small country, I don’t want that thing anywhere near me. I’m already traumatizedenough.”
“Do you want to tell Ant-Manaboutit?”
“Why not? It involves your insect brothers, so you might have a unique perspective. Dad just managed to connect marriage to the most disturbingAnimal Planetfact ever. Did you know the male honeybee’s testicles explode after he mates with thequeenbee?”
