James didn’t need to be a behavioral specialist to pick up on my non-verbal cues. Any old Joe on the street could have done it. I was just thattransparent.
“Or…uh…” James chose his words carefully. “Perhaps I should have said,sorry.”
“No, it’s good. I mean it’s my kid, right? I’m happy…” I looked up to the skies, as if the act of searching my brain for the correct feeling required a glance to the heavens. “Or… I’m…” I stopped myself again. Was there a better word? Happy implied I was pleased with the news of my impending fatherhood, which, just by my hesitation alone, proved I wasn’t. But not being excited about your own child when you’re married to a wonderful woman who dreams of being a mother? That’s shitty.Congratulations, kid, you’ve got an ungrateful asshole for a father. Have anicelife.
Remembering I was still having a conversation with an actual person, I said, “No, I’mhappy.”
James studied me intently, the slightest of smiles registering on his face at my obvious indecision. “I’m glad you’re so…happy.”
“Thank you.” I settled back into my seat grinning. If I continued with this level of uncertainty, it would be a longnight.
“You know, a baby’s a big life changer. It’s common to feel apprehensive even when you’re excited about the newarrival.”
Pointing to him, I said, “Yes, that’s what I meanttosay.”
I wasn’t sure why I was making light of the situation because in a few minutes this room would be a somber death chamber, sucking the life out of all who entered. Thankfully, James was blissfully unaware of his looming fate. He gave me a courtesy smile before switching to his ‘therapy’ face. It really was a genius expression. With one brow tipped upward, indicating interest, while the other drooped ever to slightly in order to convey concern, James had taken attentive apprehension to a whole newlevel.
“What about Casey’s pregnancy isconcerningyou?”
The knot in my stomach instantly tightened. This was what I was here for. It was time to man up and face my issues. Catching his eye I said, “Everything.”
“Okay. Can you narrow that down a bit? ‘Everything’ is harder toworkwith.”
Dropping my gaze, I studied my boots, focusing on a muddy splotch on the right toe and wondering where I’d gotten it. But then, who cared? It was mud. Shaking the thought from my head, I walked over to the chair and sank down into it. James followed me over to the one opposite mine and took a seataswell.
Looking up to meet his eye, I noticed James still staring keenly at me. Shit. That’s what I was talking about. He had that way about him. He made me want to spill my soul. I could almost feel the truth traveling up through my throat, preparing for a dramatic exit. Hopefully, the man was true to his word and would stop me this timebeforeI went berserk on his powerappliances.
“Before the wedding, I told Casey I didn’t want kids. I said it was because I was afraid they’d be ashamed of me, and that I didn’t know how to explain to them what happened to me as a kid. And while that was partially true, there’s a bigger reason why I don’twantkids.”
James shifted in his chair, studying me. “Goon.”
Here went nothing. “I’m afraid I’m going to hurtmykid.”
There. I said it. The ugly truth was out. Becoming Ray, and all the horrible things he represented, was my biggest fear. Well, that and the fucking ghosts who haunted me, but that could wait foranotherday.
James nodded his head as if it were a totally common fear. Did he not understand the implications? There was a very real possibility that a part of Ray was living inside me, just waiting for the right opportunity to turn me into the monster he had been. The last thing I wanted was to be like him – a killer, abusing my children they way he’d abused me. I’d seen, heard, and experienced things no human ever should, and now, as a result, I was afraid of my owngoddamnself.
“Have you ever hurt achild,Jake?”
“No, but I’m not around them very often. I did have my niece and nephew staying with me for a while,though.”
“And how didthatgo?”
“Fine. I didn’t hurt them, if that’s what you’reasking.”
“Have you ever wanted to hurt achild?”
Heat lapped up my ears as anger seeped through my pores. “No,” I growled. I wasn’t sure why I was pissed at him when it was me who’d brought the subject up in the firstplace.
“What about Casey? Have you ever raised a handtoher?”
“No, but sometimes I feel like my whole life is one big act. I try so hard to be normal, but I know I’m not. I feel like there are forces inside me that are just waiting for the right trigger. I was thirteen when all this happened, so who’s to say what influence Ray had on me, and when his evilness will present itself? Can I really be trusted? I mean, you saw what I did to your goddamn lamp. Obviously, based on my past, I have a propensity towards violence when I feel threatened orangry.”
“Taking your anger out on an object is not the same as taking it out on aperson.”
“Right, but it’s the escalation I’m worried about. There are no guarantees that I won’t become progressively more violent downtheroad.”
“I get what you’re saying, and your concerns are valid, but statistics are on your side. Only a very small percentage of abused children become abusersthemselves.”
