“There was no baby,” I said, absorbing some of the painforhim.
“No. I think, deep down I knew all along, but didn’t want to admit it to myself because I wanted to be a father sobadly.”
“I’m sosorry,Finn.”
He held me a little tighter. “It was for the best. She would have made my life a living hell, using the baby against me to get what she wanted. I want to have a baby with someone I love… someone who wants a family as much as I do. Someone likeyou,Emma.”
* * *
One month wasall it took to fall in love. The little flutter I’d felt the day I met him had grown too large and too powerful to ever be stuffed back inside. In reality, it had taken less than a month, but it wasn’t until I was sitting on top of the sand hill listening to Finn pour his heart out to me that I admitted the truth to myself. And now here I was in a place I never thought I’d be, making a decision I never wantedtomake.
In order for Finn to be happy – really, truly happy – he needed the one thing I could never give him. Sadly enough, at this point, the truth was all I had to offer. He had to know that I didn’t share his vision of a family, so he could move on and find someone who would. I, of course, knew the man he was – he’d make excuses and tell me he could forego fatherhood to be with me, but that wasn’t what I wanted for him. Doing without was not an option for Finn. He deserved more than just tosettle.
The talk went about as well as could be expected. Finn sat quietly at the table as I explained to him that I was not the one for him and the reason why. And when I finished my speech, he sat back without a word and just stared at me. Finally, after he’d had time to process, the first tentative questions began toemerge.
“Is it that you can’t have kids, or you won’t have kids? Because if you can’t, we could alwaysadopt.”
“As far as I know, I can have children. I just don’twantthem.”
“I’ve seen you with kids. You seem goodwiththem.”
“I like kids; I just don’t want any of my own. Is that so hard tounderstand?”
I saw a change in his demeanor then. Anger took form as the reality of what I was saying began tohithim.
“Yes, Emma. It’s really fucking hard to understand. I mean, how do you know you won’t change your mind somewhere downtheline?”
“Iwon’t.”
“But how do you know?” His frustration wasbubblingover.
“Finn.” I reached out and touched him. “I’m telling you this now to save you the heartbreaklater.”
A bitter laugh broke free from his scornful lips. “Toolate.”
“I’m so sorry. The last thing I want to do ishurtyou.”
“Again –toolate.”
An awkward silence ensued. Yes, he was hurting, but so was I. When all was said and done, Finn would move on and find love again; but I’d be back where I started. The only difference from before was that I’d be saddled with the memory of a love that couldneverbe.
“So you’re breaking it off with me?” Finn breathed out jaggedly, rubbing the back of his neck. “That’s what’shappeninghere?”
I looked down, unable to make eye contact. Leaving him was the last thing I wanted, but what other choice did I have? Our lives were destined to go down vastly differentpaths.
“The more time we spend together the worse itwillbe.”
“Do you love me?” heasked.
“It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t changeanything.”
He slammed his hands down on the table, making me jump. His lip twitching in anger, he said in a growl, “It matterstome.”
Tears filled my eyes as I took in his utter sadness. I could at least give him thetruth.
“Yes, Finn, Iloveyou.”
“Then don’t do this. Please, Emma. You’re just scared. I know you. This is what you do. You push away when you get scared. We can workthroughthis.”
