“If I get you the money, will you come home?” Iasked.
Noreply.
“Keith?”
He sighed heavily, and I felt his body tremble beside me. “I don’t know ifIcan.”
“Of course you can. It’s where youbelong.”
“It’s like being in a funeral home. Ican’tdeal.”
My blood boiled as I fought the spiteful words trying to push their way out. “You think Icandeal?”
Keith was quiet for a moment, and then met my eyes and said, “You’re fierce, Emma. Always have been. I wish I were strong like you. There’s no challenge youcan’tface.”
“You think I’m strong?” I laughed, but it came out a bitter scoff. “I’m barely holding it together,Keith.”
“But my point is, youareholding it together… the only one of us who is. Fierce… that’s what you are. Neverforgetthat.”
“I don’t like the way you’retalking.”
“I’m giving you acompliment.”
“No, you’re talking like you’ve already given up. And you’re makingexcuses.”
“No, I’m stating facts. You guys are better offwithoutme.”
“Like we’re better offwithoutJake?”
Keith’s face fell, guilt awash in his horrified expression. Good – that was the reaction I’d been going for. How dare he suggest such things? We were family, and he hadn’t just abandoned them but me as well. Keith and I had always been incredibly close, and although it wasn’t the same type of loss I’d experienced with Jake, Keith’s absence was still a loss, and I couldn’t help but fling a little of my frustration into his face. But instead of having the desired effect, my brother covered his eyes with his palms and let the tears flowfreely.
My regret was instant, and I too began to cry. Keith put his arm around me and I laid my head on his shoulder. Life wasn’t supposed to be so hard. I wished I wereaduck.
“You have a choice,” Iwhispered.
Keith took his arm back and dropped his head into his hands again. His body shook. My words continued to hurt him, but they had to be spoken. He had tohearthem.
“Youhave a choice to be home, Keith, to be safe.Youhave a choice to sleep in your own bed. But instead, you’re out every night. You drink, you smoke, you do god knows what else. You should be home, with us… becauseyoucanbe.”
“No, I can’t, Em,” Keith said, his voicecracking.
“Why? Are you that selfish that you’d rather be out having fun than being home and suffering right alongside the restofus?”
“You don’t think I’m suffering?” His voice trembled inanger.
“It sure doesn’t look that way. You’re needed at home. Have you seen Kyle lately? He’s barely surviving. You could help him; but you won’t because all you think about isyourself.”
“Trust me, Emma, there’s nothing you could say to me that I haven’t already said to myself. I hate who I am. I hate that I can’t be there for you and the others. I hate that some sicko perv has my brother. And I hate that I’m so wasted that I can’t remember where I parked myfuckingcar.”
“Then stop. Just stop all of this andcomehome.”
“I can’tcomehome.”
“Why?”
“Because Jake’s notthere.”
* * *
