“I don’t likeadventure.”
“Only because you’ve never experienced Finn-relatedadventure.”
The confident smile on his face swayed me to trust him. Why not? I’d already laid my life on the line for him multiple times today, and he hadn’t killed me yet. I followed him through the fairgrounds, my heart pounding in anticipation. For whatever reason, I felt wildly alive as we strolled through the fairgrounds hand in hand like an actual couple. I was surprised at how comfortable I was with the whole thing. I’d spent my life avoiding such situations, but now I couldn’t remember why. This feltamazing.
Finn stopped and pointed to a spot under a stage. “See that, underthere?”
“Yes.”
“I took a nap down thereearlier.”
“No, youdidn’t.”
“Yep. There was no concert at the time, so I just hopped the fence and slept for an hour. Totally relaxing… until the music started. I jumped up so quick I hitmyhead.”
I laughed at his antics. Finn’s cozy approach to life both shocked and enticed me. I couldn’t imagine not having a plan and just winging it. Where was he sleeping tonight? Did he have something booked? I couldn’t ask him because then he’d think I was giving him an invitation to my place, and if there was one thing I was certain of, I could not be alone with this man overnight. Somehow I just knew if I slept with him, it would be all over. I’d fall hard, and I couldn’t do that to myheart.
I wasn’t even paying attention to where we were until I looked up to find us standing below the giant Ferriswheel.
“Oh, no, Finn. I don’t likeheights.”
“You’ll be safe, Ipromise.”
“What if there’s a mechanical malfunction or an earthquake… or… or even an alien invasion? You can’t possibly promise me that I’llbesafe.”
Instead of laughing at my insecurities, as I’d expected him to, Finn wrapped his arms around me. I was shocked at the tenderness. “No, you’re right, I can’t promise an alien nation won’t invade while we’re on the ride, but since when have there ever been guarantees in life? Little green men could also rain terror down upon you while asleep in your bed. There’s no reward without risk. And I have to point out, Emma, a Ferris wheel is about as low risk as you’re going to get. How’s this? I promise that if a rogue wave materializes in the desert or a meteorite decides to choose this exact spot to obliterate, I will die first, protecting you withmylife.”
I swallowed hard and swayed a little in his arms. It was the most sincere promise a man had ever made to me. Granted, hook-up guys rarely felt a need to offer up safety and security to a woman they didn’t plan on ever seeing again. I could feel my resistance wavering after Finn’s heartfelt sales pitch. On any other day, with any other person, such a decision would seem obvious, but today was no ordinary day. I’d broken more self-imposed rules in the last twelve hours than I had in the past ten years of my sedentary life. Finn made me want to take that step out of my comfort zone. He represented danger and risk, two things I thought I never wanted back in my life, but maybe I’d been wrong. Maybe I needed that to feel alive. Staying safe and cocooned in my own little world hadn’t made me happy, so what’s to say Finn’s sloppy approach to life didn’t have somemerit?
Sensing my apprehension, he grabbed my shoulders and retracted the offer. “Hey, we don’t have to do this. I didn’t realize how scaredyouwere.”
No reward without risk– that’s what he’d said, and the elation I’d experienced today seemed to prove the point. Why was I always holding back? Where was that adventurous girl from so many years go? Could it be that she still lived inside me, just waiting for the right trigger to show herrebelliousface?
“No, I trust you,” I said. And strangely enough,Idid.
10
Emma, 2004: The Un-SupportingCharacters
Collapsedin exhaustion on the living room sofa, I struggled to keep my eyes open and focused on my homework assignment. My notebook was lying on Grace’s limp head. As she’d insisted on using my lap as a pillow, I insisted on using her head as a desk. Quinn was also out cold, nestled up next to me with his head back, a soft whistling sound emanating from his lips with every breath. Thank god they were finally napping. Who knew kids could have this much energy? No wonder Mom never had time for matching dinnerplates.
The heat radiating off my sibling’s bodies warmed me, and I reached down and ran my fingers through Grace’s silky hair. Since that day when Jake went missing – the day I’d yanked on her mane and been so mean to her – I’d used those soft strands as almost a security blanket, mindlessly running my fingers through them whenever sadness threatened toderailme.
It had been nearly a month now without him… a month of sickening despair. The house had taken on an eerie feel, and even though it was still filled with people, the emptiness was palpable. Thankfully, the kids kept me so busy that I had little downtime to really think about the heavy void, which was the way Iwantedit.
Everyone had their own way of dealing with their loss and grief. Mom slept, Dad wandered, Keith smoked pot, Kyle played with knives, and I pretended like Jake didn’t exist. That was my way of coping… well, that and stroking Grace’sglossyhair.
I thought about Keith and tried to telepathicallyreachhim.
Comehome.
Since neither one of us had clairvoyant capabilities, I knew my brainpower messaging would not reach him. Keith just didn’t care anymore. And when he would sporadically grace us with his presence, more often than not he was impaired. The red, bloodshot eyes and the skunky smell radiating from his dirty clothes were a telltale sign of his descent into a world I did not understand. Keith was eighteen now, having ‘celebrated’ his birthday a few days after Jake’s disappearance, and although he was a senior in high school, he was only occasionally showing up for classes. The few adults still committed to his attendance – the school staff – seemed reluctant to push our parents past their very fragile breakingpoint.
I frowned. How could Keith just leave me hanging? This was supposed to be a shared challenge. In fact, when Aunt Mel left, he’d promised her, and me, that he would be there for us. He’d lied. As soon as she was gone, so was he. But I needed him, now more than ever. His presence at home made things bearable. When he wasn’t high, Keith was an incredible guy. So sweet, funny, and energetic, he’d always been the shining star of the family, and his personality wascontagious.
I couldn’t really pinpoint when Keith got derailed from the straight and narrow track, but certainly it was well before Jake’s disappearance. Insecurities and the lack of a solid peer group pushed Keith toward a questionable faction of the school population. His was a slow and steadydecline.
Before the kidnapping, Keith had been far from a model teenager, but at least he’d had our parents fighting to keep his unhealthy habits in check. Now, left to his own devices, Keith was spiraling out of control. “I can’t deal with this shit” were the last words he’d said to me, two days ago before disappearing into the night. As if I were so much more equipped to run a household and keep our little siblings alive! If anything, I was the least qualified person forthejob.
