“What can I say? I’m an action junkie.” My bravado had just the right amount of cocky swagger. It was what Richie expected from me, so I acted the part even though I hated the way things had played out over the past year. It felt like I’d been going at full speed for way too long, and I wanted nothing more than to slow things down; maybe even leave Los Angeles behind for good. I was ready for a simpler life, and I wanted to settle down and start afamily.
“I keep telling you to go out on auditionsagain.”
“Yeah, well, someone needs to be working, or we’ll get kicked out of thisplacetoo.”
“You insult me. I’ve always got some trick up my sleeve. I predict we’ll be back in the lap of luxury in no time, mark mywords,Finn.”
We ordered our burritos, and then I lumbered to my seat and slowly lowered my tormented body onto the unforgiving plastic, wincing and whiningdramatically.
“Jesus, sweetheart, how many centimeters are youdilated?”
“You know, maybe I might be more physically pleasing if your ass-explosion hadn’t forced me to abandon myicebath.”
“Oh yeah, about that. Is this a good time to discuss yourshrinkage?”
“I was submerged in ice! You’d be so lucky to have my package… on awarmday.”
“Uh-huh, you tell yourself that, if it makes you feel better, but we both know thetruth.”
A couple of young, college-age women at an adjacent table made eye contact. They’d been watching my entire spectacle in amusement. I mustered the energy to smile in their direction and was rewarded with two dazzlingonesback.
“Looks painful,” the shorter blonde said, running her eyes over my beaten up body. “I hope the other guy got itworse.”
“Sadly, there was nootherguy.”
“His girlfriend beats him,” Richie said, always eager to jump into a conversation when coeds were involved. “This is anintervention.”
“In a Chipotles?” the taller blonde asked. “Shouldn’t you take him to a shelter or hospital orsomething?”
“I was hungry.” Richieshrugged.
Both women laughed at his deadpan comment and then turned their attention back on me. That was the way it usually went down. Richie was the comic relief, but I always gotthegirl.
“Well, if you need someone to nurse the wounds…” oneoffered.
I realized then that I could probably get myself one, if not two, nursey-maids for the night, but I was not in any shape for beautiful women. I had a date with my pain medications tonight, and I planned on showing them a reallygoodtime.
“Thanks for the offer, but you know, I’ve got the interventionandall.”
“Oh, right. Well, if you change your mind…” She pulled a pen out of her purse, wrote her number on a receipt, and walked over and handed it to me. I smiled and nodded, giving her the reassurance that I might just reconsider her offer at a later date even though I had no intention of doing so whatsoever. That was me. Always the nice guy. Why spend the energy being rude to people when a smile and nod took so much lesseffort?
Redirecting my focus on Richie, who’d been glancing between the women and myself, I narrowed in on his wide-eyedexpression.
“What?”
“Unbelievable.” He shook his head. “You’re whining like a bitch, and you still get the girl. I swear I could have rolled you in here in a coffin and you’d get more actionthanme.”
“Speaking of that, have I ever told you about the slasher flick I was in where I played a corpse who actually did get someaction?”
“Yeah, I saw that one. Disgusting, if you ask me,” Richie said, cringing. “Have any of your characters ever survived an entiremovie?”
“Once, but not without a few missinglimbs.”
“You really need to audition for some less lethal roles… play up those leading man looks, bro, before you totally jack upyourface.”
“Ihaveauditioned for those parts. Can I help it if the only people who want to hire me also want to rip out my intestines and bludgeon me todeath?”
“No, I guess not. Although I don’t think you’re faring much better in your current role as a stuntman. You know you have a black eye,right?”
