This caught Finn’s attention, and he watched me with interest, the anger already dissolving. He was so forgiving. I’d spent ten years blaming my loving mother for perceived slights, when Finn had been ‘raised’ among junkyard trash and still found it in his hearttocare.
“You know what happened to my brother when we were younger,right?”
He nodded. Of course he knew.Everyonedid.
“When Jake disappeared, it affected me in ways I can’t really explain. I watched my family fall apart. My mother… it was just awful. Her loss consumed her. She’d wake me up at all hours of the night with this terrifying cry, like she was dying. And, at the same time, I was having nightmares about my other siblings disappearing one by one until I was the only one left. I became fixated on protecting myself from loss. By putting these chains on myself, I thought I could avoid the pain… but I only made it worse for you andforme.”
“So what are yousaying?”
It was unmistakable, the hope in his voice. After everything I’d put him through, he was still looking for a hole in my armor, a way back in. I didn’t deserve this man… but our baby sure ashelldid.
“I’m saying something has happened that’s forced me to open my eyes, and now I don’t have a choice but to change my way of thinking. I’mpregnant,Finn.”
His eyes bulged from their sockets. “Wait. What areyou…?Is…?”
“Ofcourse.”
“How? I mean I used condoms…. and…and you were onthepill.”
“Only after the festival. I didn’t see the point before. The amount of sex I’ve had in the past few years didn’t warrant taking pills every day ofmylife.”
“But, I used condoms that weekend,” herepeated.
“Yes, Finn, I realize that, but they’re only 98%accurate.”
“Only?” he replied, suddenly turning hostile. “That’s a bigfuckingonly!”
He didn’t seem to know how to react to my admission, so he let shock rule his responses. Finn looked around, possibly to see if anyone else was hearing this bullshit, and when he didn’t get any reassurance from the rosebushes, he lay on his back on the concrete, covering his face with his hands. I waited. I’d had time to process the information, and he deserved that courtesy too. A minute later he did something totally unexpected… Finn laughed. Hysterically. And when the laughter died down, he sat back up, still clearly trying to process theinformation.
“I’m sorry if this is not what you wanted, but you, at least, needed to know,” I said, touching hisshoulder.
“It’s not that. It’s… I’ve been through this before, you know. And it was all one big lie so, yeah, I’m having a little trouble believing this,isall.”
“Right, but that was a fake baby by a woman trying to deceive you. I would never lie to you about something so important. I hope youknowthat.”
I handed him the ultrasound pictures, and the shift in mood was immediate. It’s hard to describe the rainbow of emotion that splashed across Finn’s face as he took in the photos of his child… shock, then awe, then acceptance, and finally heart-melting tenderness. In those few short moments, as he held proof of the little life he’d helped create, Finn fell completely and totally in love, as somehow I just knew hewould.
“How old?” he asked, with tears inhiseyes.
“Three months. I’m pretty sure he’s afestivalbaby.”
“He? It’saboy?”
“No. I don’t know. I keep picturing a boy, but maybe it’s a girl. Doyoucare?”
“Are you kidding?” Finn was still looking at the pictures in complete amazement. The truth seemed to finally be settling in. “So, I mean, you seem okay with this for a woman who doesn’twantkids.”
“You should have seen me a fewdaysago.”
“Notpretty?”
“Well, there’s an ugly crier, and thenthere’sme.”
Finn smiled, but it was a short-lived moment of levity. “What are you thinking, Emma? If this isn’t something youcando….”
“I can and I will. I’m committed, Finn. I promise to be a good mother to our baby. I get that you are still processing, and I know you will want to be a hands-on father to this baby, but just know, I understand this isn’t apackagedeal.”
“Meaning you, me,andbaby?”
