“Oh, my God, please tell me that you’ve never used that line on anyone.”
“Actually, when I was younger I did. You’d be surprised how effective it was.”
Kenzie groaned like I disgusted her. “That’s the last thing I’d want – having to teach a guy. It’s like some exciting toy you’ve been looking forward to, and then you open it up and it didn’t come with batteries.”
I laughed out loud. “Wow, I never thought of it that way.”
“Because you’re a guy. You all want virgins,” she said, rolling her eyes.
“So I guess that answers my burning question.”
“What question is that?”
“If you’re a virgin or not.”
She eyeballed me but didn’t seem offended. “How much thought have you been giving toward my purity, Kyle?” There was a clear flirty tone to her voice.
“The required amount. I’m a guy, Kenzie. We ponder these things.”
“Well, I’m not a virgin, but I’m far from a ‘ho’.”
“Oh, perfect. Just the way I like them,” I joked.
She grinned, looking at me with a strange expression before she hopped back onto her feet and started walking. I watched her sandy, bikinied bottom shimmy away, and like the obedient mutt I was, I jumped to my feet and ran after her.
TV Confessional
“Just so we’re clear, I’m not really a virgin.”
—Kyle
20
Kenzie: Taming the Dragon
Carland I sat on the rock overhang as we worked on his surly temperament.
“So you’re telling me I should just ignore her damn comments?” he complained.
“Yes. That’s exactly what I’m saying. We’re all annoyed by them, but part of being a decent human being is not rubbing people’s noses in the shit they create.”
“I don’t know if I can do it. I mean, yesterday Marsha told me that fact about turtles being able to breathe through their rear ends three times! I’m trying, Kenzie, but a person can only take so much.”
“I know.” I patted his giant arm. “And I sympathize. Yesterday I heard the one about the slug again.”
“Do they really have four noses? I mean, really, do they? How can we even be certain that these ‘facts’ she’s spouting are true? Maybe she’s just feeding us lies in hopes that we’ll spread them around the world.”
Carl was getting more agitated as he spoke. The large vein that ran through his forehead was bulging and his teeth were clenched.
“That’s what I’m talking about, Carl. Control the facial expressions. It makes you look mean. Take that deep breath we talked about.”
Carl did as I asked, but he still appeared angry and resentful.
“Let’s work on your smile again. Think of something that makes you happy, like your daughter, and then keep that in the back of your mind when you talk to people. Yep, right there. Look at you! So handsome,” I cooed.
“Yeah, right.”
“I’m not kidding. When you smile, it lights up your face. People respond to that. In my personal opinion, I find guys who smile so much cuter.”
