Carland I talked the rest of our shift. He told me about his life as a lumberjack as well as his side career in Hollywood. He played roles in movies that needed exceptionally tall characters. It didn’t bring in much money, but it was something, and was also how he’d been discovered for this show. After some prodding, Carl opened up about his divorce, his daughter, and coming out at thirty-five. Not surprisingly, Carl’s surly temperament didn’t play well in the gay crowd, and he had yet to find love, or even ‘like,’ for that matter. As far as I could tell, the only good thing he had in his life was his daughter, and he rarely got to see her as his ex-wife had moved with their daughter to another state after the divorce. There was a deep sadness in Carl that touched my heart and made me want to help him. By the end of our two-hour shift, I felt connected to this gentle giant in ways I never would have thought possible. We even hugged it out before he wandered back to his side of the bamboo tracks and I to mine.
Kyle was sleeping soundly when I got to our sleeping quarters. I wanted to curl up into his body the exact way I had woken up this morning, but I knew that wasn’t appropriate given our very short and very platonic relationship. But the memory of his arms wrapped around me sent warmth through my body. If it were raining I’d have an excuse, but as it was now-with clear, warm skies- there was just no justifiable way to get me some cuddling time in without totally freaking the dude out. Bummed, I slipped in between him and Marsha.
As I lay there waiting for sleep to take me, I watched Kyle’s peaceful face. He definitely intrigued me. There was more to him than met the eye. I was sure of it. Unable to fall asleep, I lay there and endlessly speculated what his story might be. His comment earlier about not being a winner played over and over in my mind. I thought I’d heard just the slightest hint of sadness in his words. Kyle presented himself to the world as just some funny, goofy guy, but I had to wonder if that smile was there to mask something deeper… a pain that remained unspoken.
TV Confessional
“I’m going to put the jolly in Carl’s green giant. Wait, that didn’t sound right, did it?”
—Kenzie
17
Kyle: Udder’s Day
It was day three, and I was sitting by myself on the beach reflecting on the changes I’d noticed since arriving on the island. Inhaling deeply, I marveled at the relaxed sense of calm I was feeling. The anxiety that had gripped me for weeks leading up to the start of the game was miraculously gone. Being cut off from Jake, with no way to contact him, was actually freeing in a way I never would have thought possible. I’d spent the past ten years tethered to my brother, not only because he needed the support but because I did too. Our shared past haunted me in ways that I’d never been able to shake. Of course it affected Jake so much more. I wasn’t trying to downplay his suffering, but his was an accepted pain, maybe even an expected one. Jake’s nightmare was out there for the world to see and judge. Me? I was just a background player in the story of his tragic life. No one knew or cared what I’d gone through all those years ago. Yeah, it wasn’t anything next to the magnitude of what Jake had survived, but to me it was real and terrifying, and the memories still lived on in my head.
For all my bravado, deep down, I was just a scared kid. New experiences terrified me. Being alone without the support of a trusted few filled me with dread. Just the fact that I was out here at all was a major accomplishment.
I hadn’t always been this way. There was a time, many years ago, that I was one of those daredevil kids. You know the type – the kid all other kids admired for his fearlessness and the one other parents shook their heads at in disapproval. I’d broken many bones in my attempts to experience all that life had to offer. Whether it was riding my bike off a store rooftop or flipping through the air on my skateboard, I was always up for a new challenge. The old Kyle would have reveled in an adventure like this, but I’d stopped being that kid a long time ago.
Post-tragedy Kyle spent years in therapy. He no longer felt safe in the world around him and would break out in a cold sweat if strangers got too close. He couldn’t step foot outside his front door without the security of family or close, dependable friends nearby. Traumatized Kyle stopped being adventurous because he could no longer trust that he’d land on his own two feet. He’d learned the hard way that the world wasn’t as simple or safe as he’d once believed. And guilty Kyle understood he didn’t deserve a fulfilling life when the reckless decisions he’d made had destroyed someone else’s world.
Of course I understood that I was my own harshest critic and that the chains I put on myself were of my own doing, but at the same time, I also knew what I was made of, and it was decidedly unfavorable stuff. So I hid behind my sarcastic humor and well-crafted insults in order to keep others from seeing the insecurities that lurked beneath the surface.
Coming on this show meant leaving behind my carefully structured life. One might expect that traveling for months on end would be chaotic and unpredictable, but Jake was even less adventurous than I was. He kept things unwaveringly routine. Even though the cities changed and the inside of the venues varied, the experiences largely remained the same. And I thrived in that stable environment.
Over the years, my parents had attempted to steer me away from life on the road in an effort to focus my attention toward my own hopes and dreams, but I always resisted their efforts. It wasn’t so much that I didn’t want my own life and my own unique experiences; I just didn’t know where to begin. Of course, my parents thought they knew what was best for me and were always pushing me toward higher education. I really wasn’t sure what they were thinking because I’d barely graduated ‘lower education.’ It had literally come right down to the wire. Would I graduate or not? In the end, I did, but only because the teacher who passed me did it for the sole purpose of never seeing my face again.
No. I was clearly not cut out for the academic lifestyle. I could barely handle the pressure of island life. These past few days had been an adjustment. When things got tough, my instinct had always been to rush back to the safe and comfortable. I’d never allowed myself the chance to adjust to a new situation, but I realized early on that I had no choice in this instance. This show was taking me out of my comfort zone, forcing me to keep my shit together, for no other reason than to avoid embarrassing myself in front of millions of viewers.
Kenzie came wandering up from the water’s edge, carrying a bucket. Her nasty sunburn was peeling in places and now there were patches of blotched, angry red burns. Her ruddy nose glowed like Rudolph’s.
“Hey there, Shaggy,” she greeted me, with a mischievous smile on her face.
“Hey there, ‘girl who puked on me’.”
Kenzie rolled her eyes dramatically. “Has it been twenty-four hours already?”
“Yep. Your reprieve officially ended two days ago. Now you’re playing by my rules.”
“Wonderful. Can I sit?”
“Go for it.”
She settled down onto the sand beside me. “You wanna see what I found on my treasure hunt?”
“Depends. Is your find gooey, squishy, stinky, slimy, or covered by a shell?”
Kenzie peered into her bucket, taking inventory of its contents. She wrinkled her nose and looked up at me through her long lashes. I had to admit, Kenzie’s wide-eyed innocence was somewhat adorable. “All of the above.”
“Forget it then.”
“Okay, suit yourself. But all this will be in the stew tonight, so you’ve been warned.”
I fake gagged.
“So what are you doing over here by yourself?”
