“Whatever,” Jake responded, looking pissed.
Oh, great! It was going to be one of those days. Recently there had been a lot of ‘those’ days. I studied him as he ran a towel through his sodden hair. He seemed burdened and preoccupied. Over the last couple of weeks, I’d noticed a change in his overall demeanor. Aside from the sleeping thing, my brother had been exceedingly moody. It’s not like I wasn’t used to Jake’s particular brand of irritability, but his current behavior was unsettling, to say the least. With me set to fly back to the States the next morning, Jake would be alone with his thoughts; and that, in turn, filled me with excessive amounts of anxiety. Nothing good had ever come from Jake thinking too much.
Damn. Why did I have to leave now? Competing onMarooned, the popular survivalist reality show, was something I had been looking forward to since I’d been cast a few months back. After all, I almost never did anything on my own, and I figured a national television program was as good a place to start as any. That being said, I wouldn’t hesitate to give it up if Jake really needed me. And I was starting to get the impression that he would struggle in my absence.
“Maybe I should postpone the trip,” I blurted out.
He looked at me in surprise. “Why?”
“I don’t know. I’m thinking this whole reality TV thing was a mistake.”
“Since when? It’s all you’ve talked about for three months now.”
“I know, but I’ll probably just embarrass myself. Maybe I’ll stay on tour with you. Who wants to be a C-list celebrity anyway?”
Jake didn’t immediately respond, and I assumed he wasn’t going to. He was busy wiping down his guitar. Finally, though, he lifted his head and said, “I’ll be fine… if that’s what you’re worried about.”
“It’s not,” I lied.
Jake exhaled loudly. “I’m not suicidal. Jesus, K.”
“I didn’t say you were.”
“Yeah, but you were thinking it.”
He was right. I was thinking that. Could he blame me? It’s not like he was unfamiliar with the word. Living with him all these years had been a roller coaster of ups and downs. For the most part, I found people to be fairly black and white, but Jake was more like fifty shades of gray… and not the good kind.
“So you’re fine, then?”
“That’s what I said,” he replied passively.
“Jake, I…”
“Dude, I’m in pain, that’s all. Just drop it.”
“Your knee?”
He glared at me like I was breaking some unstated agreement. Jake always made the rules… and typically, I was in no position to refuse.
“What else?” He shrugged.
“You need to get it fixed.”
“Duh.”
“So then why don’t you?” I pressed.
“With what time?”
“Make the time. Your fans aren’t going to split if you take a few months off.”
Jake was laying his guitar carefully in its case. When he finally looked back up, his eyes were dulled in somber resignation. “I know. I will… after the tour.”
I nodded.Yeah, sure you will.
The room got quiet. The pained expression on Jake’s face actually hurt me. I was acutely connected to his moods. It had been this way for years and was the reason why I worked so damn hard to keep his environment upbeat. We could talk and joke all day long about the stupidest shit, but when it came to discussing things that troubled him, Jake was fiercely guarded. Sometimes I wondered how his head didn’t just explode from all the years of built up pressure.
“I think you should go on the show,” he replied, his voice void of emotion.
