The oven timer beeps, distracting me from my thoughts. “I’ll sort dinner. You clean up.” Before I get up, I lean over and press a kiss against her lips. Mine.
I can still tasteher as I serve up the mac and cheese, licking my lips. I whistle a Christmas tune while I cut the garlic bread, my heart light, as if we’re living in a picture postcard instead of looking in from the outside. Angelica’s made everything else seem irrelevant and the only thing that matters to me now is her.
She appears on the other side of the kitchen island, climbing onto a stool, her fingers twirling the box of pills around in her hand. “Can we talk about this?”
“I drop the ladle in the sink and climb onto a barstool opposite her. “What is there to talk about?” I slide her knife and fork over to her next to her plate.
“I didn’t take it yet.” Her nose scrunches as she pulls her hair back from her face, the light and dark sides of her. “I’m not sure I want to.”
I reach over and take her hand. “I hate that you have to go through this. You shouldn’t even have to be making this decision.” Guilt gnaws at my insides. The plate of food in front of me less enticing with the acid rising up my throat. “I’ll be here for you. You don’t have to go through this alone.”
“Why do I have to go through with it at all?” She interlaces her fingers with mine, her chewed thumbnail delicately scratching my hand. “What if we put it in the hands of fate?”
“What you’re saying is like playing Russian roulette.” My jaw clenches. “You can’t be serious.”
“It depends on your perspective.” She pulls her hand away and grabs her fork, stabbing it into the macaroni.
I lean over the counter, my jaw tight, but trying to keep my voice calm. “You have no idea what you’re asking for.”
“Then explain it to me.” She holds my gaze, her eyes narrowing. There’s a beat of silence, the space between us crackling. “Just tell me this and be honest with me.”
My heart pounds, wondering if she’s thinking what I think she is.
She picks up the box of pills. “Are these for my benefit or yours?”
I open my mouth, then close it, struggling with the words, my hands flexing at my sides. “You deserve better than this, Angelica. Better than…than me.”
Her breath hitches. She drops the box and places her hand on my cheek, her fingers grazing my beard. “Maybe I don’t want better. Maybe I just want you.”
“Eventually, you’d leave like all the rest of the women in my life. I’m not good at the relationship thing. You’d get fed up with me eventually and I’ll be damned if you’re trapped with my kid.”
She climbs from the stool and rounds the worktop. Her palms press against my chest as she gazes into my eyes with nothing but love and admiration. “I’d never leave you.”
Choked with emotion, I swallow the ball of tinsel in my throat, pushing down the guilt. What have I done to deserve this woman? I part my legs, allowing her to stand between them. My palms slide under her pyjama top onto her bare skin, caressing her back and running my fingers along the creases there.
“You know when you asked me how I’d managed to stay a virgin for so long? The truth is that none of the guys I dated were you.”
“Angel.” With my arms wrapped around her, I pull her into a bear hug, but I crush my lips against hers, sinking into her warmth. She’s perfect in every way and she saved herself for me.
Breaking the kiss, I take her beautiful face in my hands. “You know I’ll never leave you. No matter what happens. Even if you get fed up with me and change your mind about us, I’ll still be here for you. I’ll be whatever you need me to be. But you’re still young and there’s plenty of time for you to have a baby. We can wait until you’re ready or until we’re married.”
Her smile reaches her eyes, twinkling under the kitchen spotlights. “I thought you didn’t believe in marriage.”
“That was before marrying you was within reach. Now that cards are out on the table, I’m kinda warming up to the idea.” My smile matches hers, gazing into her eyes. “I’ll never force you to do anything you don’t want to do.” I chuckle to myself. “Exceptmaybe anal.” I raise my hands. “Just kidding.” Another chuckle escapes. It’s as if I’m high on laughing gas.
“Well, can we shelf the morning-after pill and sleep on it?” She smoothes a hand over her round stomach as if she’s already pregnant. “There might be a baby Paul in here?”
A laugh tumbles out. “Paul?”
“It’s your middle name, isn’t it? After your dad?” This woman surprises me every day. She knows things about me I don’t even recall telling her.
I lift the box and move it to the other side of the breakfast bar. “If you want to risk having my son or daughter, then I’d be honoured, angel.”
“It’s just that I’ve always wanted a family. And I don’t see the point in waiting if it’s what we both want. I’ve failed at every job I’ve ever had and barely made it through university. I just think this is something that I’d be really good at.”
“You’d be an amazing mum.” My arm wraps around her back again, holding her close. “And I’d be the best fucking dad there ever was, because I’ve spent the last twenty-three years learning from the best man I know.” I press my lips to hers. “The man who raised my favourite person in the world.”
I relax on the sofa,my balls empty and my belly full.
