“Go on,” he says with pain etched in his weary eyes.
“I thought if you got caught by the police and went to prison, you would get off the drugs and get away from your friends.” I remind myself to breathe and inhale a deep breath. “Shane knew nothing about it until it was too late, and he had to put you in theback of the patrol car and take you away. I didn’t know he was working that night.”
“If you’re trying to make me like the bloke, this ain’t gonna cut it, Lil. I still hate his fucking guts.” He squeezes my hand, and it’s reassuring that he isn’t trying to break away, as if he needs this connection as much as I do.
“Please forgive me.” I hold my breath, my lungs filled with hope now I’ve let out the lie that’s been held back for so long. “I love you, Ash. I just wanted my brother back.”
His face screws up, but I’m not sure if it’s me causing the pain or his shoulder. Probably both. “I need some time, Lil. It’s a lot to take in.”
“I know it was a stupid thing to do, but I was running out of options, and I thought if you were in prison, at least Mum wouldn’t be up all night worrying about you.”
“You probably saved my life. I went through hell, but you’re right. The way I was going, I wouldn’t have lasted the year.”
A sigh leaves my lips like a strangled sob. Relief relaxes my shoulders as a wave of guilt pours out of me onto my cheeks. “Promise me you won’t try anything stupid again like you did last night.” My hand trembles in his, waiting for him to speak. “Please Ash. I don’t want to lose you.”
He stares blankly at the ceiling. “Kane said it’s a miracle I’m still here. But it didn’t feel like that last night. It felt like it was just my fucking luck that another thing in my life didn’t go how I wanted it to.”
I wipe my wet cheeks. “Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Thingswillget better. I promise.”
He tilts his head again to look into my eyes. “I was talking to Kane last night, and he told me all about his situation with Violet.”
I nod my head, knowing Kane’s situation all too well.
“I want to be a better man, Lil.”
“You’re already a good man, Ash. You just need to make better choices. Mainly in the company you keep.”
He glances at the pile of leaflets on the bedside table. “The nurse said she’ll get me into a therapy programme.”
“That sounds like a step in the right direction. I’ll be here to help you every step of the way.”
“Thanks for always believing in me. You’re probably the only one who cares.”
“That’s not true. Kane’s been here all night. He’s only just left.” I don’t mention Shane. He wouldn’t believe me if I told him Shane cared, but I know Shane will do anything for me and that extends to my family too.
“He’s a decent man. I don’t know why you didn’t stay with him instead of the cop.”
“Because I don’t love him like I love Shane.”
He glances down at my stomach, then back up to my face. “You really having his baby?”
I nod my head and place both my hands over his. “You’re gonna make a great uncle.”
His tired eyes sparkle in the sun like a glimmer of light at the end of a dark road.
“I want you to move in with me. I’m going to take care of you until you’re well. We’ll get your son back.” I place my hand over my stomach. “My baby’s gonna want to know their cousin.”
Ash nods his head, his eyes swelling with sadness. The apple in his throat bobs as he swallows hard, as if trying to keep his emotions at bay.
“I’m sorry about Jodie.” My voice cracks.
He rubs his eyes, leaving them red and sore with deep insets. “Shit happens, init?” His face turns away from me so I don’t see his tears fall.
“It’s okay to cry, Ash. You don’t have to act so macho all the time.”
“I had a dream last night.” A tear runs down his temple as he stares at the ceiling. “She was walking on the beach. She looked so happy and healthy.” He sniffles again as another tear falls. “She was carrying our son, and she handed him to me with a smile before walking into the sunset.” He wipes his nose on the back of his hand with a sniffle. “You know what’s worse? Her son will never know her. She wasn’t perfect, but she was doing her best, and she had a kind heart. He’ll never know that about her.”
I grip his good arm, wanting to shake him. “Yes, she will, Ash, because you’re gonna tell him all about her.”
