The last Christmas I spent with them, I was nineteen. Mum brought Ali’s nan over in a wheelchair, and we all sat around the big oak dining table.
Ali pushes her glasses up, her cheeks all rosy from the heat of the range cooker and the roast turkey dinner placed in front of her. She looks just like she did last night when I took her virginity. Something I’ve been desperate to do all winter while I’ve been at the army camp. She wasn’t ready the last time I saw her, and I didn’t want to rush her. We have the rest of our lives. I wanted this to be special, but damn, it’s all I’ve thought about. Each time I received one of her letters or spoke to her on the phone, I’ve been savouring the day when I could fully make her mine.
The windows in the kitchen cloud with condensation, and now and then she wipes her lenses on her green Christmas jumper. Mum sits down after serving the last of the plates. “Shall we say grace?”
We all hold hands and thank the Lord for what we are about to receive. None of us are overly religious or go to church, but it’s the one day of the year Mum insists on giving thanks.
Ali’s nan struggles to cut her meat with her weak bones. Mum stands to help, but Ali turns and cuts it into bite-size chunks. I think that’s why I love her so much, her caring nature just like my Ma.
“So, when are you two going to get married? I’m not going to be around for much longer, you know,” her nan says, waving her fork between us.
Mum’s face beams with pride. She loves Ali as much as I do.
Ali shuffles uncomfortably in her seat. Her face reddens as she scolds her nan under her breath. I interlace my fingers with hers under the table, giving her a reassuring squeeze. We’ve only been together since the summer, but nothing could scare me away. She’s worried about rushing me, thinking it’s too soon. I don’t want to marry her and then leave her alone. When we marry, I want to at least be able to spend time with her and not be on the other side of the world in some godforsaken desert.
I swallow the mashed potato rolling round my mouth, then clear my throat. “I’m being deployed in the new year.” That’s not the only reason. I would get down on one knee right now, but I don’t want to rush her. We’ve only just taken the next step in our relationship. There’s plenty of time for everything else to follow.
Her nan’s features sink deeper than they were before. She moves the food around her plate and sighs out a long breath. “I just want to know she’s taken care of when I’m gone.”
“Mrs Carter, I love your granddaughter. I promise you she’ll be taken care of.” My thumb strokes the back of her hand under the table.
She clasps her other hand around mine and glances up at me with her beautiful hazel eyes. I kiss her nose, causing another bloom in her cheeks. One I’m going to recreate again later. So many things I want to do to my little wallflower, my shrinking violet before I go on tour.
“Coffee, black.” Vi snaps me from a distant memory.
“What are you smiling at?”
I shake my head, but can’t hide the whimsical smile on my face. “Just thinking of your mum.” It was in this room too, where we stayed. My old room. It looks completely different now, especially since I’ve added the desk and bookcases for Vi. “You’re nothing like her, you know. I mean, you’re the spit of her, but that’s where it ends.”
“Is that why you don’t want me? Am I not angelic enough?”
If only she knew it makes me want her more. Ali was always a good girl, but taming Violet brings out the beast in me, and it’s getting harder and harder to keep him under control.
24
VIOLET
Desperate to read another letter, I slip into Kane’s room to put some clothes away and knowing he’s out delivering a unit; I pull out the box from under his bed. Delving a little deeper this time, I retrieve a blue envelope that opens up into a letter on the reverse. It’s addressed to Iran with the date around ten months before I was born.
Kane
I received a scholarship for the creative writing course at Leeds University. Nanna would have been so proud. She always loved my stories and said I would make a great author. And now this is the beginning of my dream. I only wish she’d lived long enough to know I received the scholarship. A-levels were so hard to complete while caring for her, and I barely scraped through, so this has come as a huge surprise.
Since Nan passed away, I’ve been going out a lot more. It’s nice to make new friends and just hang out. As much as I miss Nan, I have a newfound freedom that I’ve never had before. Nobody to tell me what time to come home or worry about getting nan’s pills. It’s liberating.
How’s things with you? Your letters have become less frequent. It makes me worry when the postman passes the house with nothing for me. Your letters were the only thing that kept me going for so long. Stay safe and come home to me. I miss you so much.
Your loving Ali
xxx
This letter seems more positive than the last. It brings a smile to my face, knowing Mum found some happiness after her nan passed.
A car engine sounds from outside and I stuff the box back under the bed. My heart rate quickens as I scramble to put his things how they were. If his bedding is loose even a little, he’ll know I’ve been snooping.
I make it into my room before his footsteps tread the stairs.
“Vi?”
