“It’s her book. Why won’t you let me read it?”
“I’ve made some notes in it. I… I was going to turn it into a book,” she stutters. “It’s going to be a surprise.”
Even now, she won’t tell me the truth about what’s in that damn book. “Tell me what’s in the book. I want to read it.”
Her eyebrows pinch, her eyes droop. “Have you read some? What did you read?”
“I read enough. Now give it back. I want to read the rest.”
“You don’t need to know. Kane.”
“Is this what you were talking about the other day? Why do you hate her so much?”
Moisture coats her eyes, and a tear hangs from her lashes until she blinks it away. We’ve been so happy this last week. I knew it wouldn’t last. It never does.
“She didn’t deserve you. She didn’t love you like I do.”
“And you think it’s right to keep secrets from those you love?”
“Kane please. There is nothing in this book that you need to read.” She spins on her heel, then bolts through the door, clutching the book.
I follow her, stomping down the stairs into the living room, where she throws the book onto the open log fire.
“What are you doing?” I dive past her, retrieving the singed diary and patting it down to remove any embers.
“You can’t read it. Please Kane. If you love me at all, please don’t read it. Just burn it. I should have tossed it when I was at Jesse’s.”
“We agreed no more secrets. Why don’t you want me to read this book? You already told me your mother was no angel. I thought you’d be happy so you can prove it to me.”
Tears stream down her face. “Because when you read it, you’ll never look at me the same way. I know part of the reason you love me is because I’m part of her. I couldn’t bear you to look at me…” She sniffles. “Like you are now.”
I can’t go to her. Normally I want to comfort her, but I’m so angry now, I don’t have it in me. It’s not her I’m angry at, but the world. Ali, Gavin. I suppose I’m angry at Vi for keeping this from me. Most of all, I’m angry with myself.
Everything makes sense now why she would never admit the rape. Why she ended her life. But ten fucking years of my life wasted. Not to mention I killed an innocent man. Twenty years of feuds with that family for nothing.
“The way you say my name. You’ll never be able to say it again, when you read why she called me Violet. And I can’t bear it, Kane. Please. Say you still love me. Say my name like you always do, so I know you still want me.”
My mouth won’t move like I want it to. I want to please her, take her in my arms and kiss her mouth, but I’m numb. That familiar numbness of guilt clawing its way up my throat, coating everything in acid. It burns, but I welcome it. Guilt is my old friend. We’ve lived together all these years. I thought Vi could replace him, see him off for good, but he’s back with a vengeance. My stomach churns. A cold sweat swathes my skin and still I can’t move or go to her.
She disappears upstairs. The sound of doors slamming, drawers sliding open and closed only fuel my anger.
I sit on the sofa, opening the notebook on the first page. May as well know the full truth, like ripping off a bandaid. Get it over with in one go. If Vi and I are to survive this, I don’t want there to be any secrets between us. She’ll calm down. I’ll calm down, but I won’t be able to rest till I’ve finished this damn book.
* * *
“Kane.”Vi’s voice trembles as the door to the living room creaks open.
I tear my eyes from the pages in Ali’s diary.
Vi stands in the doorway, her hands rubbing her arms with a shiver. The fire died out a while ago, along with the setting sun. “Are you coming to bed? It’s gone 2am.”
“I need some time to think and clear my head.” I focus back on the pages, Ali’s handwriting blurring with my tired eyes.
Vi turns around and pads back up the stairs with bare feet. I don’t miss the sniffle as she leaves.
I should go to her and reassure her, but I can’t find it in me to comfort her right now. I never thought I deserved her, and this just proves that I don’t. All these years, I’ve lived with my actions, knowing there was one less rapist in the world, but Ali’s confession changes everything.
I really am a monster.
