I picked it up gingerly and stepped over to the nearby electric trash can that was shaped like a giant elf. Like everything in this small town, the trash can, too, had been a victim of an overzealous Christmas lover.
The elf’s mouth opened. I sighed and tossed the fork inside.
“Merry Christmas!” the elf yelled in a creepy robotic voice. The eyes flashed red. “THANK YOU FOR NOT LITTERING! I WILL TELL SANTA TO PUT YOU ON THE NICE LIST.”
“I need a vacation,” I said.
The trash can started blaring a Christmas tune.
“This is a state-of-the-art automatic trash compactor,” Eli informed me. “One of my brothers designed it especially for Harrogate’s Christmas market.” He slung an arm around my shoulder and dragged me over to another stall selling Christmas branded food.
“I’m glad I found you. I thought you might have flung yourself into the river in a fit of bake-off-induced embarrassment.”
“The bake-off went according to plan,” I said loftily as Eli pondered the menu written on the chalkboard beside the stall.
“You wanted to lose to your ex and the guy she was screwing around with?” Eli gave me a concerned look. “You’re not thinking of getting back together with Hensley, are you?”
He held the back of his hand to my forehead. “You’re feeling a little warm. This isn’t some bizarre romantic gesture to ensure that Hensley wins the competition and is oh so grateful to you and lets you come crawling back to her, is it?”
I shoved my friend off. “Absolutely not. I hate Christmas. I never wanted to be in the bake-off. Now I won’t have to. End of story.”
“Unless you win the fan favorite vote.”
“I won’t.” I frowned. “I have more important things to do. Besides, Merrie is a terrible bake-off partner.”
“I think of your team, you are the weakest link,” Eli said. “I’m ordering ChristmasKäsespätzle—you want some?”
“That’s not a thing,” I protested. “Why are they trying to turn all these foods into Christmas foods?”
The stall owner handed Eli a plate.
“Another for my friend, please,” he said.
“After that embarrassment at the bake-off, you’d think he’d be too ashamed to show his face in the Christmas market,” the stall keeper remarked.
The fuck?I looked around in disbelief.
I hate this town.
Eli shoved a plate of food at me.
“See? It’s red and white. That makes it Christmas. Because of the bacon in it. Also, the fork is shaped like an elf!”
Eli waggled the elf fork at me.
Behind me, someone threw their empty plate in a trash can. A flash of red washed over the crowd from the elf’s glowing eyes, and it yelled “MERRY CHRISTMAS!” and began the whole spiel over again.
“The raffle is going to start soon,” Eli said, picking up Kringle’s leash and leading him over to the stage. “I bought you a ticket.”
“I don’t want any more raffle items, thanks.”
The giant snow globe was even larger and tackier sitting on my kitchen counter than it had seemed when I’d first received it.
“You just need a little more Christmas cheer.” Eli held out a red ticket. Kringle rose on his hind legs and ate it in one gulp.
“Winter sangria!” Ida skated by on roller skates. The senior citizen wore a bright green one-piece spandex catsuit with red and gold decorations.
I winced.
