The dog whined.
I tipped my head back and looked up at the night sky.
I hate Christmas, and I hate small towns.
I fed the dog the last bite of the cookie. He swallowed it then looked up, nose twitching as he inhaled the scent of cookies wafting out of a nearby shop.
I turned to see Merrie glaring at me through a window, a cookie in her hand.
16
Merrie
“Ican’t believe I lost,” I groaned, resting my head in my hands.
“It’s not your fault,” Olivia reminded me as she took a bite of her twice-baked cheese chive and crab meat potato. “Matt is a Christmas-hating Grinch. He ruined your cheesecake on purpose. And he didn’t help you at all. In fact, it would have been better if he hadn’t even been there.”
“I can’t believe they made us have partners,” I complained, stabbing at my own potato, though mine had bacon, green onions, and extra cheddar. “It’s so unfair. I didn’t even have a chance with him as my partner.”
“In Matt’s defense,” Olivia said, waving her phone at me, “he is helping you with the fan favorite votes. People made tons of memes out of your livestream.”
She showed me a GIF with my face squished up like an orc to screech at Matt. The handsome billionaire had a small smile on his face that made him seem aloof yet also like a bad boy that could be tamed by just the right woman.
“I thought those livestreams weren’t supposed to be saved; they’re supposed to disappear,” I said in a panic. “Matt made an off-color remark about my getting er—”
“It was not an off-color remark,” Olivia said. “It was frankly pornographic. Now there’s a Facebook group of people who want to get fucked by a two-foot-dong. Look, they used a GIF of your face as the banner. They already have two thousand members, and they’re all your fans!”
“Oh my god, I have fans?” I checked my Instagram account. “Oh my god, I have fans! I have fans!”
I spun around. “Maybe they’ll all come here and shop.”
“For sure! There’s a whole Christmas-core aesthetic movement, and these people love your shop. They also really like Matt.”
“Why?” I wrinkled my nose.
Olivia shrugged. “Someone is writing a TikTok fanfiction about you two, and it is very spicy. All his groupies—they all think he’s like a cross between Jack Frost and Draco Malfoy. GIFs of him are all over Facebook.”
The shop door jingled.
Customers?
No, just Great-Aunt Bettina.
“You go, girl!” she said, bustling over to me. “That’s my great-niece!” She wrapped me in a hug. “She knows what she wants, and she’s not afraid to get it. Though a two-foot penis.” Bettina shook her head. “You and I are on the short side, Merrie. But it’s good to have dreams.”
The older woman hustled around the shop, neatening up some of my ornaments and selecting several more. She came back over to the counter, pulled a book out of her bag, and set it down with a thud.
“How to Grow Your Vagina to Let Him Go Deeper And Wider…Aunt Bettina,” I hissed, grabbing a tea towel and throwing it over the book. “This is a wholesome Christmas ornament shop. I can’t have this here.”
I looked down at the towel. The innocent embroidered elf gazed up at me, reproachful.
I snatched it up.
“I’m going to burn for all eternity in a Yule log.”
“Nonsense,” Bettina said. “This book was written in the seventies by a well-known sex therapist.” She opened the book.
“It’s a picture book?” Olivia’s mouth gaped open, and a piece of potato fell out.
