She stormed out of the room.
The groom heaved himself up off the floor.
“Aren’t you going to finish?” he said to the maid of honor then belched.
* * *
I spentthe next few hours trying to coax the bride out of her suite after she had locked herself in and was screaming through the door that she was going to cut all her hair off.
“The wedding was supposed to start ten minutes ago,” Ivy said while I pleaded with the bride that the groom wasn’t worth her hair.
“I need to go down and inform the guests now that it’s not happening.”
“I want all our money back,” the mother of the bride demanded, trailing Ivy as she headed to the elevator. “Every single penny. This is a disaster.”
Elsie passed them with a carryout box. She rolled her eyes.
“I brought her something to eat,” she said. “It’s the creamy parmesan mushroom pasta, conch fritters, and lobster puffs. Also cake. Sophie went ahead and let us cut it because...you know.”
The door to the suite unlocked and opened.
“Did you say cake?” the bride asked hopefully. I did a quick survey and breathed a sigh of relief when I saw she still had her hair, minus some extensions.
“We have all the cake you could want,” Elsie assured her as we rushed inside. The bride slumped on the couch.
“I knew he was a dick. He was constantly paranoid that I was cheating,” she admitted as Elsie fed her bites of pasta. “And here he was on our wedding day.”
“You dodged a bullet,” Elsie assured her as the bride took a swig from one of the champagne bottles.
“I should have married the dick then taken all his money.” The bride looked up at me.
“You’re freaking insane to marry some douche you’ve never met.” She took a huge bite of wedding cake.
“Yep,” I said, patting her shoulder.
“Clean him out in the divorce,” she told me. “Make sure you screw him before he screws you.”
“I don’t know—”
“Promise me!” There was a hysterical edge to her voice.
“Sure, sure,” I said, stuffing another bite of pasta into her mouth. “I am definitely going to screw Chris over and take all his money. Now eat some more cake! You’ve been so good on your wedding diet, now you can reward yourself!”
“There you are!” Linneah bustled in through the open suite door. “We have a car ready. We’re all going to go to Cabo and the beach!”
I left the bride to her bridesmaids and went to debrief with Ivy. On the way, I checked my phone. I had tons of missed messages, and several were from Chris.
40
Chris
“Baba Yaga! Run for the hills!” the parrot squawked as I herded my mom to the living room.
Grace’s grandmother was there, completely naked and doing a strenuous-looking yoga workout along with an equally terrifying video of another old woman leading a nude yoga class.
My mother clutched her designer handbag.
“You’re supporting this heathen but not your own mother,” she said accusingly. “I knew that girl was a gold digger! Who moves their entire family into their husband’s house? Stop mooching off my son!” my mother screeched at Grace’s grandmother.
