Brea let out a screech. “I win! I win! I win! I win! It’s thirteen inches!”
“Why do you have a picture of Chris’s ding dong on your tablet?” Ivy asked, clapping a hand over her mouth.
I grabbed for it, but Sophie snatched the tablet and held it aloft.
“Gaze upon the glory!”
“Did you Photoshop that?” Elsie complained.
“Oooh!” Amy said. “That’s a good point. We need to see a video of it. It’s hard to fake a video.”
“I’m not taking a video,” I said.
“How thick was it?” Ivy asked.
I made a face then swiped to the next photo. “Six and a half inches.”
My friends gathered around, breathing all over my tablet screen.
“You take a very nice dick pic,” Amy congratulated me.
“Yup,” Ivy added. “It’s almost like you’re a professional photographer or something!”
The elevator dinged, and the doors whooshed open.
“Oh shit!” I muttered hastily, turning off my tablet, as Chris walked out of the elevator.
I started to sweat. My friends and I were all guiltily silent, seeing as how we’d just been talking about Chris’s admittedly magnificent manhood.
“So…uh…” Ivy said, tapping two index fingers together. “About those invoices…”
Chris’s mouth was turned town, the skin around his eyes tight.
“Apologies for the interruption,” he said as we all stared at each other.
“I...” He looked around almost as if he was confused about where he was. “I’ll just go.” He turned.
I ran after him and put a hand on his arm.
“Chris, it’s okay. We were just finishing.” I reached up to caress his cheek. “What’s the matter?”
He leaned into my touch like he was starved for it.
“I think my life’s falling apart,” he said bitterly.
“That’s okay,” I told him cheerfully. “I’m totally an expert on how to deal with a crumbling life. Pro tip, you need lots of fried food and chocolate.”
“Maybe I’ll pass on the chocolate,” he said with a slight smile.
“Then a fast food buffet in front of the TV with a bunch of Disney movies also works pretty well,” I joked.
Chris’s face went dark. “I don’t think that’s going to be possible.”
I face-palmed. “My grandmother didn’t co-opt the living room, did she? I’ll tell her to leave. I thought she was out all day at her senior citizens club. They claim they’re volunteering, but they just go barhopping to various nursing homes and do shots with the residents and tell dirty stories.”
“No, she didn’t. My parents did...” He looked away from me.
“Your parents?”
