There wasn’t muchof a line at the biscuit stand, and I had to really practice self-control not to eat one of the breakfast sandwiches on my way to Ida’s to grab some orange juice.
“And then I said,” Ida regaled loudly to a crowd of people, “‘You better get your fishing line and get your false teeth out of my vagina before I call the police!’”
I backed out of the door, but she saw me before I could leave.
“Meg!” Ida yelled. “Meg! Yoo-hoo!”
I cringed and hurried over.
“Honestly, I’m glad you’re back with Hunter,” she said. “Let me tell you. Walter had maybe about ten good years on him. Then you’d need to put a lint trap in your vag to catch his teeth. I swear! I better not get an infection.”
“I just needed some orange juice,” I said weakly.
“I’m glad you came in here,” Ida said, puttering around the store. “Now, I know that the super PAC and your mayoral campaign aren’t supposed to collaborate at all, but I wanted to see your reaction in person when you saw my big surprise!”
“What is it?” I asked, grabbing a bottle of orange juice.
Ida rang me up. “It’s amazing. It turned out even better than I expected it to.”
I swiped my credit card, then she herded me outside around the building.
“Close your eyes. No peeking.”
“I’m not,” I said. “This isn’t some sort of animal, is it?”
“Better!” Ida said happily. “Ta-da!”
“Oh… my god.” I stared up at a Photoshopped two-story mural of me in a very revealing outfit spanking a shirtless Hunter. In bright-yellow letters, it read, “Vote for a woman who will put those billionaires in their place!”
“Ida, we can’t have this up!”
“Ah-ah-ah.” Ida wagged her finger. “No collaboration.” She pressed her hands together and bowed. “You are very welcome.”
I felt faint.
“I got a deal on this baby,” she said proudly. “Had to give head to a guy who was having trouble getting it up on the account of all the pretzel bites and cheese sauce he’d just eaten, but I got him there eventually.”
I walked back to my apartment in a daze. Hunter was going to freak out when he saw that. Shoot, I was freaking out!
Even though I had been planning on waiting until I got to the apartment, I grabbed one of the biscuits out of the bag and took a big bite. “This is terrible,” I muttered to myself around the bite, opening up the orange juice to take a swig. Then I crashed into Karen, spilling orange juice all over myself and her.
She screamed as it dripped down her face.
“You!” she spat.
“Sorry…”
“God, you’re so disgusting,” she sneered. “And you ruined my clothes.” Her nostrils flared. “I’d say that you ruined yours, too, but of course you’re dressed like a homeless, crazy person. You’re not even wearing a bra.”
“Nor am I wearing underwear,” I added.
“I can’t believe you’re enough to throw Hunter off of his game.” Her eyes flicked up and down.
“What can I say?” I drawled. “He likes something to grab onto.”
“Don’t act like he’s going to come crawling back to you. If he was going to, he would have already done it.”
I tipped back my head and laughed. “I take it you aren’t on the Harrogate Facebook group.”
