Dear God, please put us all out of our wedding-induced misery.
“This is supposed to be the happiest day of my life, and all of you have conspired against me out of jealousy and pettiness to make it as awful as possible.Andyou,” she hissed at Mika, “are selfish and self-serving. You want your stupid earrings back?” Imogen pulled them out of her ears then threw them at Mika. “Here, take them.”
“All of you are on my shit list!” Imogen stated, wagging her finger at the dumbfounded guests.
There were several phones up recording the scene.
“Finish the ceremony,” I hissed to the officiant under my breath.
She flipped to the next page of the ceremony script.
“Do you, Imogen, take Teddy to be your lawfully wedded husband?”
Teddy grabbed the microphone.
“I object.”
“That’s not your line!” I blurted, then clapped my hand over my mouth.
Evan was silently laughing across from me. I glared at him and silently tried to communicate to him that he needed to stop Teddy.
“I object because, Imogen, you are no fun. You wouldn’t let me have apple bobbing or cornhole or any sort of party games. We couldn’t even have alcohol!”
That sent off a rumbling through the guests. “No alcohol?” someone exclaimed loudly. “What the fuck am I doing here?”
“Please, everyone, we do have very delicious craft mocktails for your enjoyment,” I called out to the crowd.
“I need alcohol!” Evan’s great aunt said, shaking her purse threateningly.
“It’s all right,” Teddy said, taking a flask out of his jacket. “I brought some.”
“Put that away,” Evan hissed.
“You need to marry me!” Imogen yelled at Teddy.
“No! I object! I object to marriage and I object to you and I object to your crooked breast implants.” Teddy took a swig from his flask.
“Oh yeah?” Imogen shrieked. “Well, I object to you and your beer belly and the hair you’ve been losing. And the fact that you’re short!”
“That’s mean!” Teddy thundered. “Take it back.”
“No!” Imogen slapped him with the bouquet, and flower petals rained everywhere.
Teddy staggered back. “Fuck this shit. By the power invested in me as the leader of my fantasy football league, I hereby pronounce this wedding cancelled!” he announced. “Who’s coming on the honeymoon with me?”
His mates cheered and pulled out their own flasks.
“No alcohol,” I hissed at them, trying to make them put the flasks away before someone saw.
“You can’t have my honeymoon,” Imogen yelled, grabbing the microphone. “It’s my honeymoon. I object. I object!”
“No,” Evan said, taking the microphone from her. “I object.”
“What in the world, Evan?” I hissed at him through gritted teeth.
Evan faced me.
“I object, Ivy, because I love you. I had a grand apology gesture planned, but it looks like we’re all going to be disentangling this disaster of a wedding for the foreseeable future, and I can’t keep waiting any longer. I’m in love with you, Ivy. I screwed up and ruined your life and now you hate me, and I’m sorry. I know you won’t take me back, but I just want you to know, at every wedding for the rest of my life, I will be cold and alone and always wish it was you and me getting married.”
