“Great bridal shower, right, Avery?” my grandmother said, handing me a glass of champagne with several pink penis-shaped ice cubes in it.
“If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em,” I said, tipping the glass back. I made a kissy face at the camera and stuck the phallic ice cube out of my mouth. “I’ve got a penis in my mouth!” I yelled.
Dana stifled a laugh. Cassie huffed. I knew my half sister wanted me to run away crying. However, I didn’t give in to backstabbing bitches without a fight.
“Where’s the party?” I shouted over the music. “It’s Raining Men” blared from the sound system.
“In here!” Ida whooped.
In the middle of the living room was an inflatable ring, and in the center was a giant mechanical bull, except it was a bright-pink penis.
“Supposedly you can attach a dildo to that,” Ida hollered.
I resisted the urge to grab my hoo-hah and wince. “That doesn’t sound fun.” I took another drink from a nearby tray.
“Are you going to ride it?” Ida prompted.
“Has anyone else?” I asked, looking at the giant penis warily.
“Nope. We all have fragile bones,” my grandmother’s friend Bettina said. “Besides, you’re the bride. You should pop the mechanical dildo cherry.”
My grandmother draped a lei made of penises around my neck. Ida handed me a cowgirl hat and another drink. I downed it then put on the hat. Zane had the video camera trained on me.
Screw you, Cassie. Want to humiliate me? I’ll show you.
I whooped then hopped onto the dildo. Ida turned it on. The thing bucked, jerked, rotated to the side, then spun around in a circle. I flew off, hitting the edge of the ring then bouncing face-first into the armrest of a couch.
“Shit,” I said, standing up slowly, the room spinning. “That’s a lot harder than I thought.”
Shirley screamed. “Oh my god, your face! Someone call an ambulance!”
51
Blade
Ihadn’t been planning on going to Harrogate. Usually some majority of my brothers went back home over the weekend. However, I’d had quite enough family time.
“Besides,” I said to Cesario, “who would take care of you?”
I shook my head. Who would have thought I would be having a conversation with a bunny rabbit? In my defense, he wasn’t a cute, fluffy animal, he was more of a gangster bunny. That morning, I had dropped bacon on the floor accidentally, and he had gobbled it down.
I took a few pictures of him posed at my desk and sent them to Avery.
Blade:#BillionaireBunny
Avery:LOL
Avery:Plotting your next evil plan, eh?
My phone rang as I was putting Cesario outside for some fresh air. I looked at the caller ID and was seriously considering not answering it. Unfortunately, ignoring my older brother tended to be worse than just getting it over with.
“Where are you?” Hunter’s clipped voice demanded over the phone.
“I’m not coming into Harrogate this weekend,” I told him. The phone was silent.
“What do you mean you aren’t coming?” Greg said into the receiver. “What could you possibly be doing?”
“I’m rabbit sitting.”
