“I don’t think much is going to happen,” he assured me. “We’re going to wander around in the backwoods then eat something disgusting that one of my drunk brothers burns over a fire.”
“Shirley at least has a nice meal planned for us this evening,” I said. “She is in charge of organizing the bachelorette party, and she’s gone all out.”
Blade frowned slightly. “Honestly, I’m jealous you’re eating something prepared in a kitchen with actual sanitary standards.” He pulled out his wallet and handed me a credit card. “You can put everything on that. Have a drink for me.” He leaned in and kissed me one more time, then I walked him to the front door.
“Who’s ready to par-tay?” Ida whooped as the elevator opened.
Blade shook his head. “Have fun,” he said wryly.
“Boo!” Ida yelled. “The stripper is leaving early.”
“We will not have any strippers tonight,” I said firmly, already feeling frazzled. “Shirley has a very nice evening planned.”
“Sounds boring,” Ida said. “Where’s the bar?”
“Blade and Avery have a magic bar,” my grandmother exclaimed. She picked up the tablet and started tapping it.
“Gimme that,” Ida insisted, taking it from her. “I just finished a computer class at the community college. I’m ready to start hacking the FBI.”
“Please don’t hack anyone,” I begged as the TV flew out of the ceiling and the fridge started making upset beeping noises.
“Let’s just not do that.” I tried to take the tablet.
Ida skipped out of reach. “I got it!” she said as the wall whooshed, and the bar appeared.
I was trying to head her off from drinking all of Blade’s expensive liquor when the doorbell rang. My stepmother and stepsister were standing there, sour looks on their faces, holding giant boxes that said, FOR THE BRIDE.
“I brought some friends,” Cassie informed me. “Hope you don’t mind. Thought you needed some more young blood.” She nodded her head to the three senior citizens getting piss drunk behind the bar.
“Shirley has a reservation; it’s only for so many people. Maybe you can tell whoever it is you invited that it’s just not possible.”
“Honestly, Avery,” my stepmother said, shoving the giant box she was carrying at me, “try to be more charitable. I knew your party wouldn’t be that much fun, so we brought party favors and decorations.”
“Hi, Avery,” Stacy said, appearing around another enormous box that my stepmother was holding. Kitty was beside her.
I closed the door. “You’re all a bit early,” I said helplessly.
“We didn’t want to be late for your big bachelorette party,” Dottie insisted, pouring my stepmother a generous glass of champagne.
I texted my friends.
Avery:Help! They’re all here!
Shirley:They’re like an hour and a half early. What the hell?
Edward:We’re downstairs.
Dottie and Ida and Bettina were unpacking the boxes my stepmother had brought when Edward and Shirley stepped off the elevator.
“Thank God you’re here,” I whispered to my friends. “I don’t think I can take this.”
“We have themed T-shirts!” Dottie said in excitement when Edward and Shirley walked in the door. “Pink for us and a white one for the bride!”
Cassie handed me a T-shirt that read BIG BEAUTIFUL BRIDE in a cursive script. The rest of them put on shirts that said BRIDE SQUAD. Edward was not small enough to fit in any of the shirts, so he draped his around his neck.
“You should have told me the stripper came early,” Ida said, sidling up to Edward.
He looked down at the tiny senior citizen in bemusement. “I might give you a heart attack if you saw me strip,” he drawled.
