Sadie:What is wrong with me? I sent Parker away again. Help!
Jasmine:You’re still sore from the waxing. Send him topless photos. He’ll forgive you.
Erika:Oh my poor sweet lesbian. No! That is not going to cut it.
Sadie:But the salon said no sex for 24-48 hours!
Erika:Sadie you should have invited him up for a blowjob.
Jasmine:That’s demeaning.
Erika:’Scuse you, but us straight girls like dick. In our mouths, in…other places.
Sadie:I don’t know how to give a blowjob.
Erika:It’s easy. You just pretend it’s a popsicle!
Sadie:I don’t like popsicles they hurt my teeth.
Erika:*sigh of the long-suffering friend* Parker is going to import an escort from Manhattan if you can’t get it together.
I didn’t want Parker to hire an escort. I sucked down the rest of a bottle of wine in the fridge. I couldn’t let it go bad! I fell asleep cradling the empty bottle. I had fitful dreams, and Parker featured in every one. He was in my bed; we were in the office, in his car; we were in the hallway of my old high school, and everyone was laughing.
I woke up in bed with a shout. My head was pounding in time with the pounding on the door.
“Sadie! Yoo-hoo! Good morning.”
I looked at my clock. Six a.m. “Ida, what are you doing here?”
“I’m coming in!” The door swung open.
I flopped back down on the bed.
“Doris was at the salon yesterday, and she couldn’t help but overhear you and your friends talking about your bikini wax. Now, she likes to go to the salon to have hers done, but Bettina and I do each other’s. I’m not paying forty dollars to have the hair ripped out of my cooch,” she chattered as she picked my dirty clothes off the floor.
I hate my life.“Ida, you don’t have to do that.”
“I brought you some soothing balm. It’s called Vulva Voom.”
Dear lord.
“And it will make you right as rain down there. Have you been practicing with the dildo I gave you? I’ve seen one of those Svensson brothers with very little clothes on, and let me tell you, he’ll give you a workout.”
“When did you…never mind. I don’t even want to know.”
“Go try it,” Ida said, sticking the jar in my face.
“Just for you, Ida.”
“This is a sample,” she called through the bathroom door. “If you want a larger jar, I’ll give you the friends-and-family discount.”
“I am never waxing anything again,” I muttered as I opened the jar. My hoo-ha was itchy.
“How is it?” Ida called.
I lathered on some of the balm and felt…good. Actually, I felt great. “I think this is a miracle salve,” I said, coming back out.
“Write me a review if you can!”
