I woke up again when Ida bustled into the apartment.
“I couldn’t help but overhear you girls last night,” she said earnestly. “You were talking as you came home about yoursituation.”
Seriously, someone,anyone, kill me.
Ida handed me a box. “I brought you some samples from my new line. I’m selling sex toys as a side hustle, don’tcha know. My company is called Bath and Body Twerks. These dildos come in a variety of sizes. You just have to stretch out the ol’ love tunnel, and you can take in a man the size of an eggplant!”
I stared at the box of multicolored dildos.
“Ida…”
“Don’t thank me. They’re made right here in Harrogate. I got a grant from the Rural Trust. I have Doris working for me, selling door to door. Her real estate gig didn’t pan out. I’m thinking of setting up a stand in the general store. Not front and center, but those in the know could ask for them.”
I stood up and stumbled to the freezer and pulled out a container of ice cream.
“Erika asked me to make sure you went to work,” Ida chattered. She zoomed around faster than someone in her seventies had any right to, tidying up the apartment and packing my work bag.
She found the condoms and clucked her tongue. “If you’re going to have a large man, you can’t use these,” she said, waving the condoms in my face. “I’ve been with a real big guy before.” Ida gestured. It was a large gesture.
I took a bite of ice cream.
“These condoms are for little guys who want to feel big,” she explained. “They narrow at the end of the ring so they stay on. If you have a real big guy, you need these!” She whipped out a large green-and-black condom packet that said “Frankenstein” in big blocky black letters.
I took another bite of ice cream. I half hoped this was all some sort of lucid nightmare, and I was going to wake up and not be having a conversation about my nonexistent sex life with a woman old enough to be my grandmother.
“Just hop right in the shower,” Ida said cheerfully. “I already packed your bag. Then you’ll be ready for a new day at work.”
I shouldn’t have bothered to shower. It started raining as I drove into work, and the car threw a temper tantrum two-thirds of the way up the hill.
“At least mass moves mass,” I told myself as Ithunkedmy bag down on the gas pedal and pushed the car the rest of the way up the hill. At this rate, I should buy a bike.
“Just let him fire you,” I told myself as I ran, wheezing and dripping rainwater, into Parker’s office. I wrenched the door open, cursing my lateness. Parker was in his office, meeting with several of his brothers and Kaitlyn. I tried to slow my pace and walk with stately grace into the assistant’s office.
Morning, I mouthed to Parker. I felt as if I was going to puke. Definitely should not have eaten all that ice cream.
Parker must have thought I was going to desecrate his office, because he frowned and pushed himself off of his desk, coming toward me. My legs, not used to the exercise, cramped up, and I stumbled and fell. Parker caught me before I landed on the ground.
My bag wasn’t so lucky. It thumped to the terrazzo floor, and out bounced five neon-colored dildos.
“I guess that’s why it was so heavy,” I said.
Parker and his brothers stared in horror at the dildos on the floor.
“I swear they are not used!”
Kaitlyn glared at me. “Why would you bring those in your bag?”
“I didn’t put them in there, I swear. Ida gave those to me for a condition. She was in my apartment; she must have done it.”
“Do you believe that?” Kaitlyn demanded, looking at Parker.
“Knowing Ida, yes,” Archer Svensson said with a shrug. “I’m trying to convince Hazel to make mango-flavored lube for Ida’s sex toy company. They’ll probably need testers.”
“Out!” Parker yelled at his brothers. They blinked at him.
“I have another meeting,” Mace said finally.
Parker bent down to pick up the dildos as his brothers filed out of the office.
