“I’m sorry for showing up like this. I knew if I called, you’d probably ignore it. Which you have every right to.” He was talking fast, and I could hear the nerves bubbling up inside of him. It was so unlike Chandler. “I just had to see you. I had to tell you…” He rubbed the back of his head as he looked down at the ground.
“Tell me what?” I asked softly, bracing myself.
His gaze lifted from the concrete and found mine again, the look in them making my heart pound loudly in my chest. I had never seen that look before. His eyes looked like pools of melted emerald.
“I love you, Gabriella. I’m in love with you,” he said, taking a step forward and closing the distance between us.
I sucked in a breath as I tried to process the words that just came out of his perfect mouth. They were so unexpected, and they pushed their way into my chest, leaving what I knew was a permanent impression on my heart. I couldn’t speak. I was too stunned. Too surprised to believe this was happening.
“Uh, why don’t we go inside?” I eventually said, opening my purse and fishing out my keys, my fingers brushing against the glossy photos of our baby. I quickly pulled out my keys before he had a chance to see the ultrasounds. I pushed the key in the lock and turned it, the click the only sound in the pulsing silence between us. We walked quietly up the stairs to the second floor, the quiet only adding to the overwhelming feeling building between us.
I let him in my apartment and we sat on my couch, the afternoon sun warm on our backs. I set my purse next to me on the couch and clutched my hands in my laps, waiting for him to speak. I wanted to make sure this was real. I wanted him to finish the thoughts that still lingered in his mind. I could tell from the way he furrowed his brow slightly and the way his jaw tensed every few seconds.
He looked around my apartment before clearing his throat and bringing his attention back to me. He chewed on his bottom lip nervously, and I tried not to get distracted by his mouth and the way I missed having it pressed against mine.
“I’m sorry it took me so long to get here,” he said softly. “But I’ve had a lot of time to think since…well, you know.”
Since he walked out on me and broke my heart. He must have seen the change in my expression because he reached for my hand and held it softly in his.
“I’m so sorry I walked out on you at the country club. I don’t know what I was thinking. Iwasn’tthinking. It was impossible to process what you were saying because it was such a shock. It felt like I was drowning.”
I knew that feeling. I had felt the same thing after reading the positive pregnancy tests.
“I never should have left you. I should have been there for you. I just thought if I pushed you away, it would be better for you and the baby. I know I hurt you in the process and I don’t know if I’ll ever forgive myself for it, but I really thought I was doing you a favor.”
I shook my head, not understanding why he ever thought that hurting me the way he did was the right thing to do. He rubbed his thumb over my knuckles softly as he looked down at our joined hands.
“I never knew what a good father was,” he said softly. “Mine was hardly around, and when he was, it all turned out to be one big façade. It’s fucked me up more than I would like to admit. I didn’t think I could be the father the baby needed or the man you deserved because I am damaged. I thought I would screw up the baby.”
My eyes started to sting with tears as I listened to Chandler open up so freely, the pain so apparent in his voice that it sent a crack through my heart. I remembered the late night we shared in his office when he had told me about his father and the double life he led. It was the first and only time we had ever opened up to each other in that way. Physically was easy, but emotionally was difficult.
“You’re not your father,” I whispered, blinking back tears.
“I don’t want to be,” he said with a defeated shake of his head.
“You don’thaveto be, Chandler.” I reached for his face, tilting his chin up so he was looking at me. “I know that this baby wasn’t what we had planned for. I know it’s scary. I’m terrified too, trust me,” I assured him.
“But you’re going to be a great mom. I know it. I can see it in everything you do, and how you treat everyone around you…minus me.” He chuckled softly.
I lightly scoffed and shook my head, thinking about just how miserable we tried to make each other in the times we weren’t completely enraptured in each other.
“It doesn’t mean I’m not scared. I wasn’t expecting this. It’s taken me until today really to be okay with the idea of bringing a baby into the world.”
He nodded, a little relief in his eyes as if he didn’t feel so alone in his fears.
“It’s taken me until today to realize how much I want to be in your life. In the baby’s life. I’m sorry it took me so long to work through everything…” he said.
“I understand.” I smiled weakly.
Ireallydid understand. I knew people processed things differently, and while I wished it had gone a different way, at least Chandler was here now. He was trying.
“I want to be a good father. I’m committed to trying the best I can. I want to be a better father than mine was.”
I searched his eyes to see how genuine his words were. They sounded so good. They had been everything I didn’t know I needed to hear from a man I swore I wanted nothing to do with anymore. My guard was still up, though. I wanted Chandler towantto be a good father for the baby and for me, not just to prove he could be better than his own shitty dad. I wondered if he really cared about me and our baby. I wanted to believe he did.
I turned to my purse and carefully pulled out the ultrasound photos. I held them out to him and his eyes widened slightly. He slowly reached for them.
“Is this…?” He looked at me expectantly.
