B: Me either.
I stare at the screen. Stare at his response for longer than I care to note and unsure of what else to say. On one hand, I’m glad we ironed that out, but on the other hand, is it that easy to move along?
It’s been easier to repress the enormity of the feelings I’ve begun to develop for Brandon, but he’s so blank-faced that I sometimes can’t get an accurate read on him. And just knowing that he’s now in the same spot that I’m in, well, that makes what we’re doing worth it.
B: How was work?
It appears we’re moving on, which I’m more than grateful for.
Me: Busy. Every game day I’m reminded how passionate fans are.
B: Oh, that’s right.
Me: I feel like I should know this after yesterday, but are you a sports fan?
B: You have to take this to the vault.
Me: Okay.
B: I pay attention to the big-name athletes. But besides golf, I don’t really pay attention to the other sports.
Me: *takes a screenshot to blast you on social media*
B: HaHa.
B: You?
Me: I’m the same as you. Although, golf did kind of grow on me. And after Liam, I saw no need to keep up with athletes.
B: I knew it.
Me: Brandon?
B: Yeah?
Me: I really like you.
B: I really like you too, angel.
15
BRANDON
“Hi, buddy,” I greet my brother and take a seat at his grave. The wind takes that moment to whip around me, and I like to think it’s James’s way of saying hi. “So I need some advice.” The wind whips around me again, and I assume he knows where I’m going.
Sometimes I think the afterlife is a myth. When we’re gone, we’re just gone. You have no idea what comes next, and you’ll be lucky if people remember you. But it turns out that’s not entirely true because I’ll see James in my dreams, and it’s like no time has passed. In my dreams, James is still twenty-six years old and preparing to marry the love of his life. But when I wake up, two years have gone by, and he’s forever twenty-six years old andnotpreparing to marry the love of his life.
I think that’s why I hate dreaming.
I’ll wake up missing him more and more and wonder when the constant ache of missing my brother will end.
“I started seeing someone. Which, I’m sure you already know.” I turn, looking behind me and decide to lay on the ground, looking up at the sky hopefully searching foranswers I know I won’t get. “What do I do? Angie is… She’s the missing piece I didn’t know I needed. We’ve been going slow-ish, but we’ve also been going at the right speed, which isn’t exactly fast or slow. For me and for her. Does that make sense? I think we’re both scared that if we put all our eggs in one basket, someone’s going to come along and cut out a hole, leaving us with no tools to repair it. And it’s hard to get past the obvious mountain that will always be ahead of us.”
Overhead, birds fly by, chasing one another while the sun casts weird shadows as it peaks through the tree canopy.
“I took the lead on a new video game.” More wind rustles through the cemetery grounds as I change the subject. “I don’t know how it works where you’re at, but no playing it early. Just…let me know if any of what I’m showing you is good, okay? I’m a ball of nerves that no one will play it.” I turn my head to look at his headstone and adjust so I’m looking back up at the cloudless, afternoon sky. “Are you keeping an eye on Emily? We haven’t seen her since your funeral. The last I heard from her parents, she went back to New York for a while before moving to Cincinnati. I don’t blame her for leaving. Losing you was hard on all of us. But it was especially hard on her. But I know you, James. I know you wouldn’t have prepared her for a life without you unless you knew that one day you two would be apart. Tell her that she’s… I don’t know—allowed to move on. I’m sure you told her that. But we need to know that she’s happy.”
What sounds like a melody of birds chirping, squirrels skittering up the stairs, and the distant sound of geese squawking in the background—it’s like a sign from James that Emily is okay and that she’s managing to find her happiness.
