"But then I had time to think, and I realized the truth is you're a million times better than me, because you still show up. Afraid or not, you keep being there. Keep trying. And maybe I got swept up in thinking I could too."
"You could too?"
"Try," and her voice breaks on the word. It's as much relief to hear the emotions as it breaks me apart to hear so muchhurt in one small word.
"I don't. Ever,” she whispers. “I haven't committed to anyone or anything in my entire adult life. Brennan is the last guy I went out with longer than three months and that was proximity more than anything. I always knew that relationship would end the second school was out and I left town. I was fine with it. You thought he was my first love, but I never let myself get attached to him. It didn't hurt when it ended. I didn't cry. I didn't miss him when I left. Not once."She sucks in a breath. "But I missed you."
CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
LIZ
As soon as the admission spills out of my mouth, I hurry to crawl my way back to the open window, escaping inside the barn.
The words came out of nowhere. Feelings I thought were buried inside me, drawn from my depths and put on a shameful display just for him.
None of it was what I planned to say when I came out here looking for him. Even after not speaking for a week, and then everything with Tammy, I'd been overwhelmed, sure, but I hadn't made a decision. Not one that I was aware of anyway.
Then I saw him sitting up there on that roof. Saw that deep desperation I never understood when we were kids swimming in his eyes again. And the words suddenly started coming out of my mouth.
Whatever is happening with the business is bigger than he's letting on. The last time he wound up on a roof, he was drowning under the weight of his father's illness and overwhelming responsibility crashing down on his shoulders. The business he was way too young to run. A family he should never have been made the provider for when he was barely older than the children whose needs he'd been tasked with meeting.
I won't let Trent and Lena put him in that place again. Won't stand by and watch him fall off another fucking roof, literally or emotionally.
I won't. I can't.
Any more than I can walk into court, look a judge in the eyes and tell them I believe I'm the best choice to raise Remmi and Gavin.
Fine. I raised Lena. While I was home. I didn't give up college to see her finish high school. Didn't move back to Cedar Hill when our father died and Lena chose to stay and marry Trent. Have babies. I didn't come home. Didn't take up a permanent role as aunt.
And my family isn't the only commitment I've shied away from.
I wasn't lying when I told Jovi I haven't had a relationship that lasted more than three months. And if I didn't pay Holly to keep showing up, I doubt I could claim to have a friendship that didn't expire after half a year either.
"Liz!" his voice calls out, close enough to know he's following me. When the thud of his feet hitting the floor behind me follows, I know I'm right. "Liz!" He's more adamant the second time, but I only walk faster. A few more steps and I'm at the ladder.
"Would you stop fucking running from me!" His fingers curl around my arm the same moment my hand reaches for the my means of escape. "Liz, please."
It's the plea that breaks me. Splits me open from the inside out. And everything I've been working so diligently to hold in, to keep together, shatters.
The words I never wanted to burden him with, the shame of my failure I never wanted him to see, seeps out through the cracks. "Tammy is suing me for custody," I whisper, tears running down mycheeks in uncharted rivulets. "I thought it was an empty threat. That it was her grief talking. But I was served papers yesterday."
I brace myself for his questions. They don't come.
His arms do. Strong and steady, they wrap around me, pressing me to him, as he holds me close. Tight. Safe. "Then we'll fight her." It's all he says. As if it's as simple as that.
"I'll lose." My words are muffled, face hidden in his shirt, the smell of horse and coffee and a hint of lemongrass, enveloping me. The comfort of his scent is almost as soothing as his body wrapped around mine. "She's claiming I exposed the kids to sexy photoshoots," I sniff. "And even if she didn't wave that red flag around, she'd still have enough proof that I lack on all fronts where she can provide."
His body grows tense against mine, but he doesn't release me. "Where exactly is it that you lack, Liz?" His voice is low. Controlled. Almost frightening. Except the simmering rage isn't directed at me. It's for Tammy.
"I'm weak," I tell him, squeezing my eyes shut. "The kids need someone they can depend on. Someone who won't run. Who won't choose themselves. Who isn't selfish."
He pulls away enough to slip a finger under my chin and softly tilt my head up to meet his gaze. "Is that honestly how you see yourself?" His eyes have a sheen to them and when he blinks, a single tear slides down his cheek. "How the fuck are you selfish, Liz?"
"I left," I remind him. "After I graduated. I left for good. I didn't come back."
He nods slowly.
"I remember you went away to college," he says. "I also remember that your father threw out the acceptance letters you got for both in state universities before you could see them. Because heknew you'd stay as close to home as possible, even if the school you really wanted to go to, the one offering the best program for your studies, was on the other side of the country."
