Jovi chuckles quietly.
I knew that asshole was listening.
JOVI
Maybe it was realizing I could lose her to Brennan. Maybe it was the coffee maker she snuck into my place without either of us ever acknowledging mine was broken. Or maybe it was the damn curry mac and cheese that finally gave me the balls to give up the lie I've been telling since I was sixteen and admit the truth. I'm in love with Liz Penny.
Did I find her obnoxious and uptight when we first met? Fuck yeah.
It was easy to hate her. She was one more person expecting me to be responsible. To want me to do better.
Worse. She represented everything I knew I needed to become and was certain I would fail to be.
I didn't look at her and see an ally, someone who could understand me in a way no other person could. I saw her and saw the future I feared most. The life I knew was coming for me whether I was ready or not.
And since I couldn't fight my fate, I fought the next best thing. Her.
For a while it worked for us. Life just made sense that way.
Then she left for college. And my father’s cancer was in remission. Distance settled between us.
Wasn’t until the night my mother sat me down to tell me the cancer was back. That it was worse. More aggressive. Fatal. That I lost it.
I don’t remember having a single thought that night. Just this drive to do something insane. Something that would really piss Liz off.
Falling off her damn roof did the trick.
I almost died. Probably should have. And she was there. And I'd never been more grateful.
Scared out of my fucking mind, in so much pain I thought death might be a welcome reprieve, it was her voice that kept me grounded, her grip on my hand that anchored me, gave me strength. And when I woke up after hours of surgery, certain I would find my parents sitting at my bedside, a knot of disappointment tied in my chest anticipating her absence.
Opening my eyes to find her still there, at my side, didn't just unleash a wave of relief, it realigned the most intrinsic parts of me.
I'd been so pissed for so long that my life was forfeit alongside my father's, that I stopped giving a shit if I lived or died. I knew Ineededto live. That my family needed me. That I was a vital piece required to ensure a secure life for my mother and siblings. But the weight of that responsibility, that need, had stripped me bare, hollowed me out, until all I had fueling me on each day was fear and rage.
I had a purpose, but no soul. Trent and Lena gave me whispers of life whenever I was around them, but it wasn't until thatday in the hospital, opening my eyes to have them lock on Liz's, that my world fell back into orbit.
Before that, I thought I'd never have anything for myself ever again. It was absurd to think, but I was so young and the expectations of me so vast, the emotions I found swimming in the depths of those vivid irises struck me like a fist to the chest.
I'd always been able to read her eyes. Always attributed the skill to our mirrored paths. It was easy to makes sense of hers when mine told the same stories every time I saw my reflection.
Wasn't until that moment, the flash of understanding that she and I shared so much more than the same shit fate of being the eldest child in a broken family. The one who had to step up, become the second parent, grow up before their childhood was over. Who didn't just grieve the loss of that absent parent, but the piece of themselves that disappeared to become what was needed to fill the gaping cracks of their splintering homes.
The same relief I felt at finding her beside me shone in her eyes as well. Somewhere, in the midst of hating each other for being so lost, we'd found each other.
The connection was fleeting. My parents showed up. Liz left. And the next time we crossed paths we both fell right back into our old habits. Harder than ever.
And it took me until now to understand it was because we finally saw something we wanted. Something that was only ours to lose. And maybe neither one of us had the emotional bandwidth to carry the weight of that kind of risk then. Maybe we still don't.
Fourteen years later, and we're right back to where we started. Both of us stepping into the lives of those we loved no longer here to live them. Trying to do right by them. To honor their wishesand pray they're at peace knowing we're here to carry on. That the faith they had in us was deserved.
The truth is, we have more to lose than ever. But this time, I refuse to become the bones of my purpose and forfeit my soul in the name of carrying on.
My heart's been out of reach forever, locked away with those connected by blood and a shared youth. The secret paths Trent and Lena carved, passed on to their children, but no one else has made it in.
No one else was ever going to.
I knew that. It's why letting Casey go was the only right thing to do.
