“Fin has sent us a gift for our wee one that we three will open together as soon as he’s here. Come on, wee laddie,” he said.
She knew he was jesting to try to distract her, but it was of no use. She tilted her head back as the next contraction hit. She couldn’t survive much more of this and now understood why women fell into darkness from this process. How could one not feel violated by something that was supposed to be precious and magical?
Doubt crept into her heart. Wasn’t she supposed to be overjoyed right now? There was no joy in her heart as the old woman kept her from doing what her body so desperately wanted. She began to resent them all then. How could they allow this torture to continue when relief was so close at hand?
“Surely she must be ready to push now. Can’t you see how much agony she is in?”
Willam’s words mirrored her own thoughts which had now turned as dark as they’d ever been. She’d already failed this child and William for not being able to withstand the pain that camewith bringing her into the world. She was angry with God who had blessed her with such a gift but at the cost of her own self-worth.
A small bird flew in through the window and landed atop the wardrobe as if to further mock her.
Agnes sat up a little. “I will be pushing on this next wave, so you had better be ready,” she said with far more assertion than any words she’d ever spoken before.
William held her tighter as the old woman nodded. “You are as ready as you could ever be. When I tell you, I want you to push down hard and stop when I tell you. Do you understand?”
“Aye.” She would listen as long as they were moving forward.
When the next wave came, the old woman called out. “Push!”
Agnes leaned forward with her chin on her chest and pushed with all her might. “Stop!”
The woman placed her hand on Agnes’s leg. “That was really good, lass. One more will do it. Are you ready?”
Agnes brought her head forward again and nodded. She had no strength for words. All of it would be used to bring her bairn into the world.
“Push!”
And push she did. With all the strength she could muster, she envisioned her child’s head coming out. That alone released an enormous amount of pressure.
“Stop now. One more and your wee one will be here.”
Agnes focused on the old woman as if no one else was in the chamber with them. The bird called from the wardrobe just as the final wave hit and she could hear the word “Push!”
As the bairn came into the world, Agnes was vaguely aware the bird flew back out through the window and all the pressure in her body released. The old woman lifted the child upside down and waited.
The lone cry washed over Agnes in a shower of light. All doubt washed out of her mind and her heart in a second. The old woman placed the wee one on Agnes’s chest as she wiped the child down and made to cut the cord.
Once that was done Agnes looked down at her precious angel surely sent from God, despite her earlier doubt.
“Well,” William said. “Is it a laddie or a lass?”
She didn’t have to look, but she did. This ferocious lass would claim the world as her own; Agnes was as sure as she existed.
“She’s a bright wee lassie to be sure,” she said to him as he lifted the blanket from her face.
Sleepy eyes met Agnes’s gaze as a little hand curled around her finger. She was lost in the power this little one held over her. The old woman and William’s mother shooed him out as they set to clean her up and ensure she would heal properly.
Now seated in a chair by the hearth and wearing a clean nursing gown with the maids stripping the bed, Agnes would never tire of staring at this darling little one who had taken all the broken pieces inside her and mended them together with one small cry.
Much later, after they helped her nurse for the first time, she lay in bed with the bairn between her and William. A cradle rested by her side for the nighttime feedings. She had all sorts of offers to assist her with aspects from changing nappies to finding a nursing maid from the village.
Agnes didn’t want any of that. All she wanted now was for this peace in her heart to remain for all time.
When she looked up from staring at her daughter, it was to find William staring at her. “I saw the moment you changed,” he said.
“How do you mean?”
“You struggled and I could feel your pain rolling off you in waves. I wanted so desperately to take that pain from you, butyou sank deeper into it. When she made her first cry, your whole body changed. It was as if a dark cloud had been lifted from you forever. Your body relaxed into mine for the first time in a long time.”
