“What do you mean? I was just going to disappear?” I ask in disbelief, and she nods. “But it’s… mymom.I wouldn’t do that to her.”
“I’m sorry, Stevie. It’s just… what you decided. You wanted to cut off all contact,” Nora says.
She’d be sick. I mean… she’ddie.
What was I thinking? I must’ve really,reallyliked Nora. I must’ve liked her more than I’ve even been imagining. More than I even think is possible.
I want to try this. I know I do, but Nora needs to understand that things have to be different this time. I know I’ve dreamed about maybe going to UCLA someday, but I can’t gonow. I want to take this slow, and slow does not include California.
If we’re going to try this, she needs to understand no matter what I decide or when I decide it about coming out, I can’t let my relationship with my mom crumble again.
“You—” she starts, but I interrupt her. I’ve got to get this out.
“Nora, whatever I did or planned, I can’t do that again. I can’t lose her, okay?” I ask, realizing how desperate my voice sounds. “I mean, she’s like… my best friend. And we’re in such a good place right now. I can’t do that to her. Iwon’t.”
She looks at me for a long moment, biting her lip. “I won’t ask you to,” she says finally.
“Okay.” I take a deep breath and let it out with relief. “Okay.”And then I ask: “Well, what about you? What was your plan?”
“Was I going to tell my mom?” She shrugs, letting out a weak laugh. “You haven’t even come close to seeing the worst parts of that lady. No. I never even considered telling her. You weren’t the only one who wanted to keep us a secret.”
Jeez.I wonder what that means. I’ve seen the way her mom talks to her. How much worse can it get?
But then my heart sinks as I realize something else. Nora finally had a plan to get out of here and away from her mom and… I ruined everything.
“Nora, you could still get out of here. You could still go to California. Without me, I mean.”
She lets out a huff, shaking her head like I just said the most ridiculous thing. “You still have no idea what you mean to me. I wouldn’t leave without you. I… I told you once I want to be with you more than I want to be away from here.”
She reaches out, her hand hovering over my leg, maybe to see if I’ll pull it away, but I don’t. My skin lights up at her touch in a way that I suspect could never get old. As I set my hand on top of hers, her hazel eyes dart up to meet mine, questioning.
I nod and her eyebrows settle back into place as a giant smile finally breaks out on her face.
“Are you serious?” she asks, her eyes welling up.
“Yes. But We. Can’t. Tell.Anyone. Everyone has to think we’re just friends,” I say. There’s no reason for my friends and family to know, before I even knowmyselfif this is what I really want. “And I’m serious about my mom. I’m not letting us grow apart again.” I try to keep a straight face to show her how serious I am, but I can’t help but crack a smile as she scoots closer to me on the quilt.
“I want to keep this a secret as much as you do. In public we can be friends, strangers, whatever you want, Stevie,” she says, slipping her free hand into my hair and tugging my lips toward hers. “But here…”
She kisses me, softer this time, like she’s still afraid she’ll scare me away. Even so, my stomach lifts, giving me that lightness that I felt in the middle of the field the other day. Then she pulls her lips away, leaning her forehead against mine. I open my eyes to find hers still closed.
“I love you,” she whispers. The words send a panic up my back, even though they sound so beautiful coming from her.
Less than a second later, her eyes fly open.
“I…,” I start, but don’t know what to say.
“I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean… well, I did, but…”
“It’s fine. Really. I just… I’m not—” I feel my face go red.
“No, no, no.” She waves her hands in front of her. “I shouldn’t have said that. It just kind of slipped out. Please, don’t say it until you really mean it. No pressure at all. Even if it’s seven years from now.”
“Okay,” I reply, liking the idea of still being with her seven years from now. She’s cute.
She reaches out to take my hand again. My face still feels red-hot, but my stomach is going wild. It’s so incredible and so confusing. All of this. She loves me, but I just kissed her for the first time a few days ago. She remembers all this stuff that I don’t, an entire relationship that we’ve had together that for me is only just starting. It must be hard for her to look at me and see the person she loves, but to also have it not really be her… me.
“I’m sorry,” I tell her, hanging my head as she rubs circles against the back of my hand. “I’m sorry that I forgot us. That I might not ever remember.”
