The excitement and safety of being pressed up against her on the back of the four-wheeler.
“When you look at me?”
The way my breath caught when her eyes locked onto mine at the fence line.
“When you hold my hand?”
The way my hand felt in hers, like nothing could ever feel moreright.
“What does it feel like to kiss me?”
My skin burns like oxygen on hot embers at just the memory of her lips against mine.
He stands there with a lingering shrug in his shoulders. “Stevie, why are you asking me all of this? I don’t understand. I don’t know how to answeranyof that.” He takes in a deep breath and lets it out in frustration. “I mean, wejuststarted hanging out and I’m leaving in a month.”
And that’s exactly the problem. He doesn’t understand.
Because he’s not the one for me.
“I have to go. I’m… I’m sorry,” I reply, shuffling backward down the alley, toward the street.
“Wait!” he yells, but it’s too late. I’m already around the corner, in my car, and gone as quickly as I came.
That night, I pull my covers up over my head and try not to think about the shoe box or the lies, our kiss in the field, or my life before the accident.
After all this time of trying to remember, all I want to do is forget. But I can’t. As many times as I force it out, everything just comes flooding back in again.
It was one thing to know that I had a hole in my life.
But it’s a completely different thing to know exactly what was missing.
Especially when what was missing is something I can never let myself have again.
July 15
Stevie,
I’m sorry.
I’m sorry I just pretended like we didn’t know each other.
I’m sorry I was too much of a coward to tell you the truth.
I’m sorry I didn’t tell you everything in the field today.
Most of all… I’m sorry I made you walk out over the crick.
Hurting you was the last thing in the world that I wanted…
But now it seems like that’s all I’ve done.
I can’t believe I’m saying this, but… I can see now that things can’t work out for us. That we can’t go back and forget the accident ever happened and pick up where we left off.
You asked me to let you go, and maybe that’s the punishment I deserve.
So… I won’t contact you again.
But in my heart, I’ll never let go. I never could. I will truly love you for the rest of my life.
