“Youchoseme, Stevie. You chose me over everyone else in your life who would never understand. Doesn’t that tell you something?” she asks.
I crumple the acceptance letter in the fist at my side and look her dead in the eyes as she stands back up, just a couple of feet away from me now. “Well, whoever that was, it wasn’t me. You don’t know me. I would never. And I… IlikeRyan,” I tell her. The truth. It’s the truth, no matter how much it doesn’t feel like it in this moment.
“You don’t like Ryan,” Nora scoffs, confident, almost amused. “That’s bullshit and you know it.” She takes a step forward until she’s one foot away, and my skin starts tingling.
“No. What’sbullshitis being lied to by someone who you thought was your friend,” I cut back.
“I’m not your friend, Stevie! I was neverjustyour friend.” She takes a deep breath. “I’m sorry that I lied to you. Okay? I’m so sorry.” She gives it room to breathe between us. “But this has beenimpossiblefor me. You don’t understand… we hadeverything.I mean, our relationship is something that shouldn’t have survived this town. We could never share a milkshake at the Dinor. We could never hold hands at the mall or go to prom or even risk being seen together as friends because we were terrified of letting something slip and someone taking it all away. We spent all of our time tucked back in those woods together, and somehow, we didn’t just survive there, wethrived. Our relationship blossomed all alone in the dark. And finally,finally, we were about to step into the light when in an instant, it was all taken away anyway.” She pauses, her glassy eyes tracing every inch of my face. “Do you know what it’s like? To have the only person you love standing right in front of you, but she has no idea who you are? No idea that she’s your entire fucking heart.”
My ribs ache as I watch fresh tears roll down her cheeks.
“I know you, Stevie Green. I know you hate grocery stores, because they’re always too cold. I know you love when people scratch your back, but no one does it quite like your grandma used to. I know you don’t like the feeling of your bare feet in the wet shower after the water is turned off. I know you won’t talk to someone who raises their voice at you until they’ve calmed down.” She moves still closer to me, her face inches from mine as my legs quiver underneath me. “I know you don’t remember, butIdo. And I know you feel it. Even now.”
Her hand brushes against mine, but this time I don’t pullaway, because as much as I know I should… I physically can’t. I stand there, frozen in place by the truth in all her words as her fingers slip into mine, lacing between each one until our palms are flush against each other. A warmth ignites up my arm and burns all through my body. Suddenly, I understand how it could have happened, how holding hands in the middle of the gym during a football game could lead to all of this.
But I can’t do this. I can’tbethis.
“Please just let me go,” I whisper across the shrinking gap of space between us, which I find myself wishing wasn’t there.
“I can’t,” Nora replies, leaning toward me until finally I give in to the magnetic pull between us, wrapping my arm around the back of her waist and pulling her up against me, her lips crashing into mine. Our heads twist and tilt and readjust clumsily. I breathe in hard against her salty skin as she drags her fingers down my jaw and off the end of my chin over and over again, trying to pull me impossibly closer.
What does it feel like to kiss her?
It feels like we’ve both been swallowed by flames.
It feels like my insides are so light that I wonder if we’re actually floating.
It feels so right that it couldn’t possibly be wrong.
I mean, itshouldn’tbe.
But whatever this is, it made a mess of all the other areas of my life.
So even if it’s all I want, I know that this time I’m the one who can’t. I can’t do this with her.
I push her shoulders away from me and then force mylegs to stumble backward a few steps, putting some distance between us.
“This was a mistake,” I say, wiping my mouth with the back of my hand, even though everything in my body is begging her to ignore me, begging her to kiss me again. “Please just leave me alone.”
“Stevie…”
I can’t bring myself to look at her, because I’m afraid that I won’t be able to leave if I do. Instead, I close my eyes and see both of my parents’ faces if they ever found out what I just did with a girl. I might’ve chosen Nora over them before, but that was another life. I couldn’t possibly do it now.
“I can’t do this. My parents would… I never should’ve come here.” I bend down to scoop my backpack off the ground, but instead I toss it onto the pile of stuff. “Just… keep it. All of it.”
“Wait, there’s more. Just… just give me a second. I have to tell you—”
“I don’t want to know, Nora,” I reply, even though I want to know more than just about anything right now. The problem is, if I do, I’m scared I won’t be able to walk away. And if I don’t walk away, everyone is going to find out about me and I’ll lose them all over again, just like these last two years. And I’ve already lost too much.
“Just wait,” Nora says, reaching out to grab my arm as I stalk past her. “Stevie, wait! Just talk to me.” I shake her off and keep moving. “Stevie, I’m sorry! Please don’t leave!” she calls from behind me, her voice breaking.
It takes everything in me but I don’t stop until I’m back to the safety of my car.
I don’t need her. I don’t need her. I don’t need her.
I say it over and over again in my head until I convince myself that it’s true.
Until I realize how I can prove it.
