He beganto walk.The track was so familiar.Every detail had been burnedinto his mind, not from his back-and-forth trek to his job at thecar wash but from the first time he’d come here with Laurie.Adiamond-sharp winter’s day, his companion alight with curiosity athis side, struggling not to show his excitement at the adventure,to stay cool and not look like a rich kid gawping at the Roma...Tears nettled up behind Sasha’s eyes, a sting and then a scald hecouldn’t ignore.Blinded, he came to a stop.
He hadalways known that one day he would return here.That they bothwould—not just to the heath but to this one patch of bare openground beside the woods.The sun was beginning to set, beech treesthrowing long blue shadows out across the earth.In noonday lightthe remains of Mama Luna’s fire would be invisible, merged by twoyears of rain back into the patchy turf.Now, if you knew it hadbeen there, you could just see a trace of a circle.
Sashasat down.After a long minute, ragged breathing broke across thedusk-breeze silence.Footsteps scraped.Sasha tried to wipe hiseyes on his parka’s sleeve, but the fabric was coarse andnon-absorbent.Something brushed against his hand.Blindly he tookit, and found himself holding an American Airlines paper napkin.He’d have laughed if he’d had breath for it.If Laurie touched himnow he was lost—broken, undone.He blew his nose.When he could, heraised his head and looked.
Lauriewas kneeling opposite him on the far side of the long-dead fire.His beautiful hands were clenched so tight that Sasha could seeevery bone and tendon.“Ves’tacha,” Laurie said hoarsely.“Have youbeen waiting?”
“Yes.I’ve been waiting for you.”
“Why?”
“Because I want to tell you something.What I’ve been trying todo with you—keep you, protect you—that’s a thing you do with achild, isn’t it?Or a treasure of some kind.And you didn’t wantthat.”
“Never mind what I wanted.I—”
“I have to mind it, Laurie.What you wanted swept us halfwayround the bloody world.I know why you did it now, but it was whatyou wanted to do, and your needs, desires, cravings—they’re strong,and they’re gonna get stronger as you get older, notless.”
Laurielowered his head.“Oh, Sasha.”
“They’re what make you what you are.You wanted to be abrilliant actor, and you are.You wanted your car and you got that.You wanted...”Burning, ugly words rose up in Sasha’s throat.Hehad never meant to say them—sworn inwardly never to contaminatehimself or Laurie by acknowledging out loud what he had seen.Wordslike those were for normal couples, not for paupers who’d marriedthe prince.How could you lay a hand onthat guy,they would say.Don’t touch me.Don’t ever come near me again.
Lauriewasn’t a prince.He was a human soul, raw and bleeding in thefading light.Sasha was raw too.“You wanted someone else,” he saidflatly.“Someone else to suck your cock, and God knows what else,and you got him.”
Laurielurched forward.He threw his hands out in front of him as if hewould have fallen otherwise.“Christ,” he rasped.“It was once.Itwas Wes Lombard.Bailey died, and...”
“I know about Bailey.I’m sorry.”
“And I got drunk and stoned, and Wes and Nicole Delgado set meup.”
“Laurie, don’t fuck with me.Don’t fuck with yourself.Say theword and I’ll hunt down Wes and Nicole and kill them with a Romashiv, butyouwanted the drink and the drugs that got you there.Justyou.”
Theirtableau was complete now.Laurie looked up, hollow-eyed, sick.“This is where Mama Luna died, isn’t it?”
“Yes.”
“Because my father and his thugs came out here and scared herto death.Because I told them where to find the camp.I’ll neverforget the look in your eyes when you found out.You never forgaveme for that, but you never...”Laurie swallowed hard and coughed.“You never told me how angry you were.That you were angry at all.It’s the same now—about Wes, and what I did.You’ll talk to meabout drugs and desires, and how I have to handle them.But youwon’t tell me how pissed off and miserable you are that I sleptwith another guy.You’ll be calm and intelligent and sane, butyou’ll never forgive that either.Ever.”
Sasha stared at him.“All right.You betrayed me, you bastard.You ended my life when I saw that fucking tape.Bits of me died.Isthat what you want?Is that whatnormalpeople say?”
Lauriecurled up.He clasped his hands across the back of his head.Onesob racked him then another.“I don’t know!”he choked.“I justknow...Oh, Sasha!I’m so fucking sorry!”
Sashacrawled to meet him.They came together at the centre of thecircle.Sasha put his hand into the hair at Laurie’s nape, closedhis fingers tight in its rich silk.He drew Laurie’s head down ontohis lap.He leaned over him.They were right out in the open, whichwas stupid—which violated all the laws of the hunted fox, but Sashawould shield him.He stroked Laurie’s hair, clenched his free handin the fabric of his coat.“I did what I wanted, too,” he said.“When I found out about Stefan, I mean.I thought I was being...brave and noble, leading him away from you.But in the end it waseasier for me to face the danger alone than to share it.That’sall.”
“Don’t.”It was barely more than a grunt.Laurie rubbed hisbrow against Sasha’s thigh.He got an arm out of their tangle andgrabbed Sasha’s wrist as if he’d never let it go.“You don’t haveto say that.”
“I do.Because you’re not my child—not my treasure, to keep andhide away.You’re my...”He hesitated, struggling, rocking Laurielightly.“God, I hate English.Mypartner...That sounds so cold.My otherhalf, my other soul.And you wanted to walk at my side.To be mycomrade.”
Lauriegot his head up.“Yes.Yes.”
“I was waiting for you, to tell you that.If I asked you to gonow, because it was right and I needed you to—would you doit?”
Lauriegritted his teeth.“Yes,” he said brokenly.“Is that what youwant?”
“No.I want a comrade.And...you’re wrong, you know.Wrongabout the forgiving.”
***
Lauriewalked at Sasha’s side, across the heath and away—finally, foreveraway—from the circle.Sasha touched a fingertip to the back of hishand, indicating the sweep of woodland turning grapeskin purple inthe dusk.The touch communicated urgency, the sense of theirexposure out here in the open.Laurie’s heart was bumping raggedly.Pain and joy were clashing like cymbals in his skull.Reunion andgrief, the cleansing sting of Sasha’s anger, and after it...Lauriedidn’t know what had come after.It had felt like love, likeunearned absolution.Sasha pointed out a track between the beeches,and they ran for it side by side.
