But he’dbeen coming here for six months.The nightmares hadn’t stopped.Then, were they so irrational?Sasha folded his hands in his lap.Laurie was paying for these visits.Olivia was hellishly expensive.Sasha thought about the papers in his file, and Cuza, and how itfelt—he sometimes let himself forget—to be a stranger in a strangeland.“All these things are possible,” he said quietly.“But mydreams are getting worse, not better.”
Sheblinked as if he’d dropped a stone into her calm pond.Beside himLaurie flinched too.“I’m sorry,” he went on roughly, throatsuddenly full of words that needed to be said.“I don’t like tothink about the past.But...I came here in a container ship.In arefrigerated truck, along with...”He paused, because this part ofit had always been grimly funny.“Along with the yoghurts.Therewere eleven others with me, and five of them died of the cold.Ithought they’d just gone to sleep, but when I tried to wake them upthey fell down onto the floor.Their faces were grey.Then I ranaway, and I had nowhere to live.It was winter.I got robbed andbeaten up, and I stupidly started doing the rent-boy thing to earna few pounds, and I got raped a couple of times.I slept on thestreets in a bin bag.It’s all over now, and I’m fine, but to behonest, I’m not fucking surprised I have bad dreams.”
Lauriegot up.He was expressionless.His hands were loose by his sides,his shoulders and spine rigid.Sasha glanced up at him in surprise.“Laurie?”
“Will you excuse me a minute?”
“Are you okay?”
“I’m fine.I just—”
“Sasha, let him go.”The doctor went quietly over and openedthe door.She didn’t look at Laurie as he slipped past her.Thenshe closed it again, and sat down on the edge of her desk, her armsfolded.She was very pale.“He loves you terribly, doesn’the?”
Something tired and damaged in Sasha almost made him deny it.His own words had thrown him back to that time two years ago whenLaurie had come down—like a god, like a diamond-starred angel—intothe pit where Sasha had lived.Even in Laurie’s bed, held tight andecstatic with those warm arms around him, Sasha had questionedit.How can someone from your world lovesomeone from mine?But he was over all thatnow.“Yes,” he said softly, shivering at the ongoing miracle of it.“He does.”
“Did you ever tell him you’d been raped?”
Theshiver died.Sasha stared at her.Had he told him now?Clearly he’dtold this nice, civilised woman the same thing.He replayed hisstatement.Yes—there between the muggings and the bin bags, sooffhand he’d barely heard it himself.“Yes.At least, I...He knewwhat I did.I told him I’d had a client or two where things wentwrong.Where the guy wouldn’t let me go.”Christ, had he even beenthat explicit?Cold horror stole over him.“No.I don’t think Idid.”
“Listen to me.”
“I’ve got to go after him.”
“Yes, I know.Just for a moment, though.You know I look afterMarielle Fitzroy, right?Laurie’s mum?”
Sashanodded.He didn’t really care, but if Olivia was serious enough todiscuss one client with another...On his feet, satchel in hishand, he forced himself to attend to her.
“That’s the kind of doctor I am.I help rich, delicate ladieswho’ve had maybe a little addiction to prescription sedatives, or adifficult divorce.Things like that.Laurie brought you to mebecause I’m the only psychiatrist he knows, and because he stillassociates money with safety.With effectiveness.Do youunderstand?If something costs enough, it’sgotto work.”
“I do understand.That’s not true, though.Laurie knows betterthan that now.”
“He’s grown up a lot.And he’s a dear, but he’s still verynaive.So I’ve got to tell you this myself—I’m the last doctor inthe world who can help you.You need a specialist in rape trauma,someone who knows about homelessness and the long-term effects itcan have.”
“There aren’t any.”Sasha headed for the door.“I told you—Ijust have bad dreams.”
“Which I’ve told Laurie to let you sleep through.I’m verysorry.”
“They aren’t about that.They’re about...”But Sasha didn’thave time.He shook his head.“Never mind.Olivia, I’ve got togo.”
“I can give you the name of a good counsellor at—”
“Send it to me, would you?Please?”Sasha took pity.“Youhaven’t done anything wrong, okay?I wasn’t honest with you.You’rea great doctor.”
Hersmile twisted oddly.“Thank you, Sasha.But you know a hell of alot more about the world than I hope I ever have to.Go on, then.He’ll be beating himself up by now for making this about him, notyou.”
***
Sashamet him in the corridor.He was smiling but pale, his fringe wetand sticking to his brow, as if he’d splashed his face with waterand not glanced in the mirror before leaving the bathroom.Sashaturned him with a touch to his elbow and fell into place at hisside.“Laurie, love.Are you all right?”
“Yes.Why wouldn’t I be?”
“Because of what I said in there.”
“If I’m not—if—then I’m the biggest pansy arsehole in the world for makingany part of this about me, not you.”
Sasha took his hand.Olivia Matthewswasa damn good doctor, he reflectedwryly, at least for the troubles that ailed people like Marielleand Laurie.He opened the door to the staircase, tugged Lauriethrough after him and sat him down on the top step.Knelt in frontof him and took his face between his hands.“Listen tome.”
“I am.But you don’t have to go through anything againthat—”
