“I don’t know.”Laurie grabbed a handful of chips and watchedSasha thoughtfully while he demolished them.“You know, Ireallydon’tknow.We’ve spent so much time together, and I’ve never given you achance to talk.”
“Well, we’ve been…busy.”
Sasha’seyes glimmered, and Laurie, despite his exhaustion, felt a suddenwild desire to be busy again, right there on the rug.He pushed itback.“Stop it.I want to hear—all about your life, how you’vesurvived.Tell me.”
“I already have.”Sasha reached for the carton of fruit juicethey were sharing and, to Laurie’s surprise, knocked it over—thefirst clumsy gesture Laurie had seen him make.He lookeduncomfortable for the first time.“Container truck, yogurts,Hungerford Bridge.You.”
Lauriereached for the napkins that had come with the burgers and helpedhim mop up.“Come on, Sash,” he said gently.“More to it than that.I know about your parents, but… Well, who else came over with you,or…or tried?Do you have brothers and sisters?Did—”
“Laurie.”Sasha’s hand descended on his.It still had anoutdoor chill in its palm, a tang of chemical damp from the carwash.“No,” he said.“That is, no to the brothers and sisters.Andas for the people who came with me—my friends, or if I did havefamily who stowed away with me… Think what you’re askingme.”
Lauriedrew a breath.His head was full of his own day.He knew, to hisshame, that his effusion of curiosity about Sasha’s origins hadbeen just that—an outburst, brought on by the relief of findingsafety, food, and shelter.He shivered.All of that wasmeaningless, wasn’t it, unless he had Sash by his side?He playedback his question, imagining a cold morning on the Dover docks,border patrol agents opening a refrigerated van onto a scene of theliving and the dead.“I’m sorry,” he said.“I didn’t meanto…”
“Shut up,” Sasha said, smiling.The flicker of—what?anger?dismay?—had died from his face, and he was busy unwrapping anotherburger, handing it to Laurie.
Lauriethought he understood.They would have time, he thought.Time inthe future, when he had built a safe world for them.Sasha wouldtell it all then.He reached forward and kissed him, making Sashagroan in mock disgust and swipe with a serviette at the ketchup onhis mouth.Sasha asked him what role he’d landed, and Laurie, whofor all he loved him and was growing up in huge unsettling shocks,was first and foremost an actor, with ego and benign self-obsessionto match, beamed in pride—here with Sasha, in the warmth, he couldtake in his achievement for the first time—fell for the evasion,and began to tell the story of his day.
* **
They laytogether in the single bed, entwined.They had begun the actions ofloving, and Laurie had so very nearly fallen asleep in the middleof it that Sasha had commanded a postponement, laughing, drawingthe exhausted body close to his.Once Laurie had got over theembarrassment of that, he had settled in Sasha’s embrace with analmost overwhelming relief.The bed—ungenerous even for asingle—threatened to pitch him out with every move, but what hewanted was to remain…to stay very still.From where he lay, hecould view his new world across the arm Sasha had wrapped aroundhis chest, a slender, lean-muscled horizon that rose and lightlyfell with his breathing.
He couldbear it, from here.The floodlights that lined the railway trackcast a pale luminescence into the room, filigreed by the bare treebranches outside his window.The rumbling from the lines was almostconstant, but apart from the punctuating Doppler shrieks of theexpress, it was a sound he could get used to, more akin to musicthan machinery.Sometimes the overhead cables flashed, picking outeach fine hair on Sasha’s arm, bleaching his skin for an instant todiamond white.Yes, he could bear it.“Sasha,” he murmured.“Movein with me.”
Hethought for a few seconds that Sasha had fallen asleep, althoughthe rhythm of his breathing was shallow, still alert.Then hestirred and lifted his head to look at Laurie, dark eyes uneasy.“What?”
“Move in.Live with me.”
“Jesus, Laurie.Wait till I’m half-asleep, then…”
“Sorry.Did I stealth bomb you?I mean it, though, Sash.It’llsolve…oh, it’ll solve all sorts of problems, won’t it?For you aswell as me.”Laurie heard the scrape of urgency in his own voiceand tried to back down.“I…I know I just got here.”
“Yeah, you did.Though”—Sasha paused, and Laurie wriggledaround so he could see the smile he had heard breaking in Sasha’svoice—“though I like the nerve of the man who’d try to sublet hissublet on the first night.”
“I wouldn’t be.Not technically.I…I wouldn’t want rent offyou.I’ve got a job.You could just—”
“I have a job too.”
Thesmile was fading.Laurie, who for one instant thought he had puthis hand to this fruit he so badly wanted and pulled it straightdown off the tree, felt a pang of dismay.“I know,” he said.“ButI’m gonna be earning more, for a while.And it isn’t about thatanyway.I owe you everything.Please stay with me.”
“Laurie, wait.You want to find a safe place for your sister,don’t you?”
Laurieswallowed.He ran his fingers through Sasha’s hair, its luxuriantwarmth a contrast with the cheap nylon sheet they were lying on,the chill of damp in the air.“Yes, but this isn’t it,” hewhispered.“I don’t know how I thought I could ever do thatanyway.”
“You couldn’t—not with an illegal living here.”
“That’s just what I don’t understand.”A voice inside Laurie’shead told him to shut up, but fear was at work in him—and thehopeless desire to make one thing fixed and certain in his shiftingworld.“There was nothing legal in anything I did today, and lookhow far I got.And you’re smarter than I am.I…I still don’tunderstand why you don’t ask for asylum.”
“I told you.Things aren’t that simple for me.”
“What things?”
“I’ll tell you one day.You…you took my word for thisbefore.”
“I know, but—”
“Laurie.”It was soft and flat.Sasha’s hand spread out onLaurie’s chest.His eyes had filled with pained shadows.He said,very quietly, “Don’t push.”
The air left Laurie’s lungs.He held himself carefully still.He could not speak: his shame was acute, and cold shock wasrippling through him.To incur even this much reproach from Sashawas terrible to him, worse because he knew he’d deserved it.Hiseyes stung, and he quickly closed them to hide the reaction.In theburning dark, he heard Sasha whisper his name, voice rough withremorse.He heard Sasha’s hoarse apology and wished he could speakto tell him there was no need for it.Hehadbeen pushing, unable to acceptthe miracle of Sasha here in his bed with him.
