Then he just stood very still in the dark, listening to the rain beating its muted melody on the roof above him, and feeling sadness sweep through him in crashing waves; it weighed him down, defeating him. He sank slowly to his knees under its power, fists clenched against the agony tearing through his brain—against the inescapable knowledge that he had just walked away from everything in the world that would ever matter to him…
A woman and a love, God help him, that had never truly been his to begin with.
Catherine watched the door shut, feeling its echo reverberate through her soul. She waited until the sound of Gray’s leaving faded into nothingness, until she heard naught but the cold wind rattling the panes in the window.
He was gone.
Wrapping her arms round herself, she gripped the twins’ portrait tight against her, letting the metal frame dig into her flesh so that she’d know she wasn’t some formless spirit, wrenched from her mortal body by the force of her anguish. The pain rocked through her, devastating in its power.
Sweet Mother Mary, she’d just lost the man she loved. Lost him forever because of her secrets and her lies.
And it was then that she began to weep.
Chapter 16
The hearth logs had burned to glowing coals before Catherine made up her mind. ’Twas well past midnight, she guessed. Hours earlier she’d sneaked a message to Heldred in the stables to relieve him of both his worrying and his waiting for her. Then she’d unbound her hair and changed from her boy’s clothing into her long chemise to curl in this chair near the fire. She’d tucked her legs to her chest, absently wiping tears that seemed to seep from her eyes without end.
’Twas high time to stop crying and get on with it.
She’d wronged Gray, of that there was no doubt. But she loved him, too, and as she’d sat stewing in her misery, she realized that in all she’d told him when he’d confronted her earlier this night, she’d never told him how she felt. It was an error she planned to remedy right now.
Grasping one of the tapers from the mantel, Catherine eased open her chamber door and stepped into the corridor. She sucked in her breath as the stinging cold of the stones assaulted her bare feet, moving quickly to keep them from going numb.
She needed to find Gray.
Should she look in the tilting yard? Nay, the lists would be soaked from the rain. Besides ’twas too late for him or anyone else to be engaged in any kind of exercise outside.
Some corner of the great hall, perhaps? She chewed her lip, pausing in her progress until the chill made her pick up her pace again. Nay, not the great hall. He’d avoid company in his current state of mind; there would be too many people to see him there and remark on his presence among them.
His solar.Aye, his solar was the perfect place for him to be alone, though ’twas possible that by this time of night he might already be asleep. Still, she couldn’t help thinking that if he managed to fall into blissful slumber after all that had happened between them, then she would have her answer and no more need be said.
There was only one way to find out.
She made her way to the stairs, creeping down them in silence, moving even more carefully when she reached the bottom and the entrance to the great hall. She snuffed out her candle, stealing round the edge of the huge chamber to avoid rousing any of the sprawling squires, servants, retainers and knights asleep on the rushes or benches.
The rain had ceased more than an hour before, and a thick crescent moon hung in the sky, providing enough light through the arrow slits and windows high near the vaulted ceiling to allow her shadowy view of those sleeping below. She saw no sign of Gray anywhere.
After picking her way carefully around the groups of sleepers, none of whom offered more than a snore or cough to mark her passing, she reached the corridor leading to his solar. ’Twas darker in the passageway, especially without the light of her candle. Feeling silly holding an unlit taper, she set it down. Then, straightening, she wiped her palms on her shift, breathed deep, and pushed the solar door open enough to slip inside.
A fire crackled in the grate, banishing the chill of the corridor; it drew her gaze, and a joyful shock went through her. Gray himself leaned back in a chair before the blaze, dressed only in his shirt, boots and breeches. His long legs were stretched out to the heat, and he sipped from a cup as he stared into the flames, unaware, it seemed, of her entrance.
Catherine hesitated, wondering if she wasn’t risking a beheading to startle him without warning, when suddenly he spoke.
“I see that you’ve found me.”
The sound of his voice, deep and smooth, made her jump. But then she wondered if she’d imagined its echo; Gray hadn’t shifted even a hair from his position. He continued to stare into the fire, drinking again, but otherwise moving not at all.
She took another step, and another before he turned his head and directed the full force of his gaze on her…
And then she knew that she hadn’t imagined anything.
His expression was primal in the firelight, dangerous and untamed. Catherine swallowed. Now that she stood closer, she saw that his shirt was unlaced, and as he sat up and twisted to face her, the muscles of his chest and belly rippled. He rested his forearms on his thighs, his cup gripped loosely in both hands; the firelight shone through his open shirt from behind, glowing tawny on his skin and his ebony hair.
“Welcome to my haven, lady, such as it is,” he murmured, his brow arching in time with one corner of his mouth. He lifted his cup to her in salute.
His haven from her.The dark thought pushed its way into Catherine’s mind, shoving aside the curls of heat invoked by his stare. But she stopped herself from voicing her fears aloud, instead nodding to his hand. “What is that you’re drinking?”
“This?” He glanced at the cup. “’Tis my usual brew—would you care for some?” Then he looked at her again and understanding dawned; his expression turned almost mocking. “Ah, I see. You were wondering, perhaps, if I’d forsaken my vow of so many years ago in order to indulge in something stronger tonight.”
