“Still good?” I ask.
“Yes,” she says, firmer now. “Don’t stop.”
“I won’t,” I promise.
I anchor the wrap at her back with a tensioning knot I can release instantly if needed. I test it gently, watching her face carefully.
“This is a safety knot,” I tell her. “If I pull here, everything comes undone. You’re never stuck.”
Her eyes meet mine and she nods.
As the rope settles into a bikini harness, I place my hands on her shoulders.
“Feel the rope. Not the thoughts. Just the rope. The bed under you. My hands on you.”
Her breathing deepens, chest rising and falling slowly now.
“There you go,” I whisper. “You’re safe. You’re supported. I’m right here with you.”
I stay exactly where I am, watching the knots, watching her, continuing to murmur reassurance as the panic loosens its grip on her.
Finally, her body sags into the mattress and she goes limp within the ropes. When she turns her tear-filled eyes up to me, I brush my hand over her hair.
“What happened?” I ask.
She licks her lips nervously before answering. “I heard from my mom and dad today.”
Understanding hits me in an instant, but I don’t interrupt her and let her continue.
“They…they both told me how proud they were of me.” She sniffs and I wipe fresh tears slipping from her eyes off her cheeks. “They’re so happy with the engagement, and I’m going to let them down…hurt them. Again. They don’t deserve this. Not after what I’ve already done.”
I furrow my brow but keep my voice low and gentle. “What do you mean?”
She drops her gaze from mine and I can read the pain in her expression clear as day.
At last, she mutters, “My brother died because of me.”
Her confession startles me, but I school my features and maintain my calm. “What happened? Do you want to tell me?”
She hesitates a moment more before slowly whispering, “My older brother, Colson, was born with Severe Aortic Stenosis. He had a narrowed aortic valve, and had to have open heart surgery as a baby, but he was at risk of heart failure even after that. Mom and Dad were so protective of him, but all he wanted was to be a normal kid and not worry about his ‘stupid heart.’ His words. Whenever I expressed my own worry for him, he would say, ‘Don’t worry, sis. That stupid organ isn’t my real heart, and my real heart will always love you.’”
A wistful smile curls her lips as she remembers, and it’s clear to me that she and her brother loved each other deeply.
“When I was five and Colson was seven,” Sutton continues, “our family took a trip to Aspen. Holloway Architecture was having its worst quarter in years, and Mom thought getting away for a bit would be good for everyone. Especially my dad. We went to our Aspen house, and at first it was great, but it was so cold and snowy and Mom and Dad wouldn’t let us go outside. Mom was busy decorating the house for Christmas, and Dad couldn’t stop working remotely. Colson and I got bored, and he never handled boredom well.”
“I was the same way,” I tell her.
That earns me a little grin, but it quickly disappears as she continues her story. “One night, he snuck into my room and said he wanted to go sledding. It had just snowed, and he wanted to have fun. I was totally on board—honestly, I was willing to do just about anything Colson wanted to do—so we snuck out in the middle of the night. We…we had so much fun.” Her voice catches on a sob. “We went sledding for hours down a hill near the house. It was a full moon on a clear night, so we could see almost perfectly. The snow was fresh and light, and we were able to godown the hill so fast…” Her words crack and she pauses. “We… we had the time of our lives.”
I brush my hand over her hair again, pulling out a strand of teal, hoping my touch is soothing. “It sounds like it was a great night.”
She nods, nuzzling into my hand a bit. I cup her cheek and brush away her tears with my thumb. “It was… but it came with a cost. A few days later, Colson got sick. Really sick. It started as just a cough, but it was enough to worry my parents. They called his doctor in New York to get him meds, but it was too late. He had a coughing fit and collapsed. Mom and Dad rushed him to the hospital, but…there wasn’t anything they could do. His valve had re-narrowed, cutting off his blood flow. He had a heart attack.”
Fuck.
That’s devastating. I can’t imagine going through something like that so young. She starts shuddering and I wrap my arms around her, picking her up and holding her against my chest.
“I should’ve stopped him. Should’ve said no. He wouldn’t have gone outside alone. It was all my fault. He was everything to my parents and me, and I’ve been trying to make it up to Mom and Dad ever since.” she pauses and releases a long shudder. “I know I can’t, but if I can keep everyone happy…I can keep myself from wishing it was me instead. They don’t really believe I can handle the company. They’d never have doubted Colson, but they think I’m too delicate, too fragile. When I was younger, they knew about my anxiety and panic attacks, but as I got older I learned to hide them… from everyone really. They still worry… I know they do.”
