ThankGod.
Short, sweet, but more meaningful than he could possibly know. For once, he’s giving me clear validation instead of doubt. He’s thinking of me as a CEO, maybe for the first time.
I feel lighter. Like I can breathe after suffocating for so long.
My lips curl into a wide smile as I stand up and go into my large, walk-in closet. I dig out a pair of sweatpants from one of the drawers in the closet and pull a t-shirt from a hangar. As I start removing the sweater I’m wearing, my phone starts buzzing again. I’m still so happy from my dad’s text, I’m not even annoyed by yet another interruption. When I see my mom’s name flashing on the screen, though, trepidation shimmies up my spine.
Gulping, I answer her call.
“Hey, Mom.”
“Sutton!” she exclaims. “I’m so incredibly proud of you!”
Her voice is thick with tears, shocking me nearly as much as her words.
“Wow…” I murmur, emotion overwhelming me. “Um, thanks, Mom. I really appreciate that.”
“Your video was so impressive,” she continues, gushing with pride. “You sounded so strong and sure of yourself. It was soamazing to watch. It made me think…” Her voice breaks on a sob.
“Think what?” I gently prod when she doesn’t continue.
She takes a deep, shuddering breath. “It made me think that maybe Colorado isn’t so cursed after all. That maybe faith has a funny way of bringing life full circle, and that’s exactly where you’re meant to be. That’s where you’re supposed to get married and live your life.”
Something heavy and dark twists in my belly and my heart starts to race.
“Mom, I don’t know…”
“Colson is watching over you there,” she says softly. “Imagine, darling. A wedding in Aspen. It would be perfect.”
At the mention of Aspen, something inside me shatters. Any feelings of happiness or pride vanish in an instant replaced by a flood of guilt. Colson…it’s my fault he’s not here. I’m the reason he’s dead. The reason he was out that night in the cold when he was already so weak and sickly…
I took him from Mom and Dad, and now I’m lying about this engagement.
I’m a terrible person. How can I keep doing this? If she ever found out, she’d be devastated. What the fuck is wrong with me?
Swallowing, I force my voice to remain steady as I reply, “It’d be beautiful.”
“We’ll have to start looking at venues soon.” She laughs through her tears. “You know how hard it can be to book anything there.”
“Yeah…uh, sure thing. We can definitely do that.”
Except we can’t, because it’s not real and the wedding is never going to happen. I’m going to rip something else away from her.
“I don’t want to keep you. I’m sure you and Jayce have a lot you’re dealing with.” She almost sounds giddy saying his name. “But we’ll talk again soon, okay?”
“Absolutely.” She’s going to hate me. “Love you, Mom.”
“Love you too, darling. Good bye!”
“Bye.”
The call ends. I stand frozen in place for several moments, staring at my phone, almost numb with the shock of everything.
Then, in an instant, the numbness vanishes and I feel everything all at once. Guilt, fear, anxiety. Panic. It slams into me, so hard and fast that my knees give out and I drop to the floor. My chest feels like it’s caving in and I can’t breathe. My vision blurs and spins as I begin to hyperventilate.
It’s too much. I can’t fight it. Can’t stop. I don’t deserve to. I deserve to suffer like this. I’m a liar. I ruin everything I touch, and when Mom and Dad find out that the engagement isn’t real, they’re going to hate me.
And they should.
