He released her onto her feet and forced himself back into his human skin for the second time that night. It was always agony, but after years without shifting—and the brutal speed of his earlier change—it was especially excruciating. He was tired, and it hurt to let go of the warmth of the mountain, to release the healing magic.
Luka bit back a rough groan as his bones popped, skin shredded, and the beast slowly faded. The pain dropped him to his knees, and he stayed there, hands fisted on the cobbles as he shuddered. He was about to push himself to stand when a small, cool hand settled on his back. And then he couldn’t make himself move at all.
“I’m sorry,” Izzy said gently. “I know this bit is bad.”
He grunted, letting her touch flow through his burning skin.
We could have this, his beast murmured.We could have it all the time.
No, they couldn’t. Izzy had a new life now. The thought gave him the push he needed, and he made himself stand. “Come on, let’s get in before someone sees us,” he muttered, still facing away.
Her hand fell from his back, and he heard her turn, knowing without having to see her face that he’d landed yet another barb. He dragged a shaking hand down his face, then followed her through the alley to the front of the store with its polished mhoba wood sign: a drake biting its own tail, warding off evil. She’d kept the sign left by the previous owner, but it was brightly polished now. Welcoming, rather than threatening.
Luka waited in the shadows until she unlocked her door and then slipped inside behind her. Izzy lit a lamp in the doorway and then led him through her shop. The last time he’d been inside, he’d been a child, brought to the apothecary by his grandfather. He remembered strange smells, yellowing jars, and dusty corners full of spiders. When Rayan had heard from one of the castle healers that their uncle was losing the shop to the crown after failing to pay their loan and suggested Izzy take it up, Luka thought Rayan was crazy.
He’d struggled to picture her in such a dingy place. And, if he was honest, he wanted her to stay in the castle with him. It was only after Rayan died that he realized it would be better for her to leave. Better for her to stay away. And then later still, when his guilt and grief were more manageable, he’d come to her… but it was too late. And so he never went inside.
We should have helped her .
Maybe, but being around her all day would have been torture. She’d moved on, and it was for the best. How could they have made a life, with him at the castle and her here? With him knowing he’d failed Rayan so catastrophically—even if she forgave him for it.
His beast grunted with irritation.So you keep telling yourself that, but the truth is that you decided she would leave you eventually, and you didn’t want to risk it.
Luka didn’t argue. Of course, that was the truth. He didn’t deserve Izzy, and the moment she realized it, she would leave. He’d been left enough for one lifetime, and he never wanted to be that lost, lonely boy ever again.
In the end, she didn’t need his help anyway. She’d found a lover, made friends, and turned the store into one of the most respected apothecaries in the city. One look around showed how much she’d achieved. The polished shelves groaned under a wealth of neatly arrayed tinctures and ointments. Immaculateglass jars and beautifully carved boxes were carefully labeled in Izzy’s slanting script. The air smelled pleasantly of wax and herbs, with a subtle underlay of something smoky and sharp—saltpeter perhaps—as well as more earthy tones of roots and mushrooms.
It reminded him of her father’s rooms in the castle. Of the years he spent running in and out with Rayan. Just being here, surrounded by those scents, made him feel that old sense of comfort once more. Rayan must have missed it terribly. Was that why he’d chosen to join the physiks? To feel close to the father he’d lost?
So many times, Luka had wished he’d given his friend a chance to explain. So many times, he’d cursed himself for his anger. For turning away and refusing to listen after the shock of Rayan’s declaration that he planned to leave the guards.
Izzy made her way behind the counter and opened a small wooden door at the back, no doubt leading to the apartment above. She never looked at him.
“Why did Rayan leave the guards?” His words fell out, unintended. But he couldn’t take them back. He needed to know.
“What?” Izzy spun back, her eyes flying to his.
Luka swallowed, wishing he wasn’t naked for this conversation. He was vulnerable enough already. He stalked closer, putting the store counter between them. If only there were a way to explain what he meant without admitting how badly he’d fucked up. But maybe that was where he’d gone wrong before? He should have just told the truth and let her hate him for the right reasons.
Luka let out a long breath, and—finally—explained. “When Rayan told me he was leaving the guards to join the physiks, I was… angry.” More than angry. He was devastated, betrayed, and enraged. He settled a hand on the cool countertop and used it to ground himself… and perhaps to get that little bit closer toIzzy. “I didn’t listen to his reasons. I didn’t speak to him at all.” He dropped his chin to his chest so that he didn’t have to see the look on her face. “I turned him away. That’s why he died. If I’d listened….” He cleared his throat, but it didn’t dislodge the ache that spread all the way to his heart. “If I’d listened, he would be alive now. I’m so sorry.”
Izzy’s soft fingers settled onto his, and he locked his gaze onto the connection. His large hand splayed out on the counter. Hers was smaller and more delicate, but so strong and capable, resting gently on top of his.
“It’s not your fault, Luka,” she said quietly.
“It is. I should have?—”
“No.” She plucked his hand from the counter, wrapped it in both of hers, and tugged, and he couldn’t help but look up. Deep lines furrowed her brow, but her gaze was clear as she continued. “Rayan was stubborn and proud. He was always convinced he was right about things… and it was extremely annoying because he usually was.” They both chuckled sadly. “He wouldn’t have told you why he left the guards, even if you’d asked. I know, because he told me about your argument, and?—”
“He did what?” That couldn’t be right. She’d known all along. That was?—
Her grip tightened as if she thought he might run. “Rayan felt bad. He knew you would take it hard. He told me he was working on something, but he wouldn’t tell me more. He said that if I knew what he was looking for, I’d stick my nose in it.” Her lip quirked. They both knew that was true. “And he purposely made you angry, so you’d stay out of it too.” She sighed. “I thought…. Gods, I never imagined he would die.”
He wanted to believe her. Wanted it to be true so desperately, so he could be free of this guilt. And yet, it didn’t quite make sense. Rayan would have toldsomeone. He was an excellent soldier. He was dedicated, honorable, and an excellent teammember. Luka was the knight commander of the guard; he could have helped.
And it got worse. Why hadn’t his best friend trusted him? “Why didn’t he tell me?” The words came out as a rough plea, sounding far more tortured than he liked.
She bit her lip. “I think… Ithought…,”she said slowly, “that he didn’t want you involved because he thought that you were close… I mean, that we….” She shook her head and let the sentence fade, and he didn’t ask for the rest. He didn’t think he could bear to hear it.
