He wasglad he’d remembered his name. He was. And deeply relieved because Ellie no longer looked quite so tormented. Or quite so keen to get away from him. But did the timing have to be so deeply frustrating? Just five more minutes, and he would have had his hands on her skin. Ten more minutes, and they would both have been naked.
On second thought, maybe it was a good thing. He’d promised himself just a moment with her. But there’d been more and more moments. Even though he knew he couldn’t stay. He knew none of this was forever.
But when Ellie had doubted him—doubted his very existence—it made him want to howl. It was worse than his own doubts. Those were almost bearable when she was holding him, tethering him to the earth. But if she let go… Fuck. It made him want to cover her with his body until she knew the truth. Until she felt him everywhere. And he felthereverywhere.
He’d known she was dangerous from the beginning.
He should put more distance between them. Or she should. He’d meant it when he’d told her she should run. They shouldn’t start something, not when there was no way it would end well. But he couldn’t stand the thought of stopping it. If thesemoments were the only ones they were going to have, he wanted them.
Ellie was quiet and introspective as they walked, but when he reached down to take her hand, she laced her fingers with his and held him tightly. As if she was afraid he would disappear.
Of course she was. He was afraid of the same damn thing.
“Ellie?” He broke the tension.
She turned to face him, eyes troubled. “Mm-hmm.”
“I don’t want to hurt you.”
She stopped walking, tilting her head to the side as she watched him, completely focused. “What does that mean?”
“I’m real. I am.” God. Who was he trying to convince, her or himself? He didn’t know. He swallowed roughly before continuing. “But I don’t think I can stay here. I feel?—”
He could feel the darkness. Feel the pull. He knew nothing about himself except for his name, but he knew that this was borrowed time. And even if he could stay, they would be on borrowed time anyway. Because she would want more. She woulddeservemore.
“I don’t know how long we have,” he said quietly. “I want—” To be with you, to hold your body against mine, hear your laugh, listen to your ideas, drown in your warmth. But he couldn’t have that, not forever. “I want to touch you, but we can’t…” Damn this was hard. “We can’t let emotions get involved.”
The words felt hollow. As if he’d made this speech often enough to know the shape of it, even if he couldn’t remember making it. As if they were just words, nonetheless. Words he didn’t quite believe, even if he should.
Ellie stood silently, watching him with clear eyes that saw too much, the sounds of birds and insects loud in the forest around them. He waited stiffly, identifying bird calls—there was a blackbird and a starling, a woodpecker drumming in the distance—forcing himself to patience.
Finally, she replied, “Okay. I—” She let go of his fingers and shoved her hands in her pockets as she took a slow breath. “Thank you for telling me the truth.”
He knew why she did it. He understood. He’d told her they couldn’t get emotionally involved, and she’d distanced herself. But itburned.
And he found himself doing exactly what he’d stopped himself doing earlier. He gently tugged her hands back out and took them in his, holding them loosely, letting her pull away if she wanted to, but wishing she wouldn’t.
And she didn’t. She stood there, surrounded by the dappled light, looked at him, searching his eyes for something. Something he couldn’t identify. Whether she found it or not, he didn’t know, but she didn’t pull away again.
“Can we have this?” he asked. “Can we trust that this is real and spend this time together? Even knowing it can’t last?”
She was silent for so long that he began to fear she might not answer, but eventually she sighed softly. “Yes. We can have this.”
He didn’t speak. There was nothing he could say. Instead, he dropped a kiss onto the knuckles of each of her hands. Then they turned and walked quietly together once more.
They reached the iron gate embedded in her hedge, and she pulled it open, leading the way into her garden. Daisies, poppies, and marigolds grew in riots of informal color while leafy shrubs and tall oaks created a private space. It was relaxed and abundant, a haven of safe nesting for the robins and blackbirds that would love the dense foliage. And yet, somehow unsettling. Its beauty did nothing to ease the emotions churning through him.
Ellie had drawn him here. And now she’d accepted that he would never stay. It was the truth. It was what he wanted. But it was still wrong.
He wished he could have had his epiphany about his name an hour later. They would have stayed in the woods. He could have kept her in his arms, kept his mouth closed over hers, and let their bodies drown out everything else.
But it was too late now. The moment was lost. And in exchange, he had a name with no memories, and a smoldering, unfulfilled need to hold her.
Ellie led him over the large wooden deck he’d stood on earlier, past a set of comfortable-looking rattan furniture with bright turquoise cushions clustered around a raised firepit. At the far side of the deck, a covered hot tub was surrounded by a privacy wall teeming with baskets of flowering geraniums and decorated with looping fairy lights. Two cushioned loungers stood nearby, and a storage closet was set off to the side.
He hadn’t really looked at it properly earlier. But now he wondered. Did she come out here alone? Leave her clothes in the house and walk through the sunshine naked? Or perhaps she preferred the night. She would slip into the steaming water and lie with her head tilted back, looking up at the stars as her vibrant imagination created new adventures on fantastical worlds.
He would slide in beside her, listen to her stories. And then, when she was languid and soft and the steam surrounded them, then he would touch her. He would finally have her close enough that he could drown in the heat of her body. He would bring her onto his lap, his hands stroking over her skin.
