He didn’t need power or authority anymore. He didn’t even want them. But he had promised himself he would deserve her. He’d promised he would be worthy of her love. And he had no idea where to start.
“Is everything okay?” Riley gave him a concerned look as they climbed the stairs to David’s room.
He squeezed her hand, his Shadows drifting as close to her as possible as they paused on the landing. “I’m still trying to understand that Gordon is really gone,” James admitted quietly. “He’s been such a force—a toxic, soul-destroying force—but still a huge part of the choices I made. I feel… a bit… lost.”
Riley pressed a gentle kiss against his cheek. “It’s okay to grieve, you know.”
“I’m not grieving… I don’t think.” James rubbed the back of his neck. Was this grief? He wasn’t sad. Gordon’s last moments played out in his head again and again, but all it made him feel was a vague sense of vindication shot through with exhaustion and underlying guilt. “I don’t know what I’m feeling. I detested him and now he’s gone.”
“He kept you alive. He gave you a home. You needed him,” Riley said softly. “You can hate him and still feel the loss of what could have been. Whatshouldhave been.”
James cleared his throat, forcing away the lump of emotion. “I wanted him to die.”
Riley cupped her hands around his cheeks. “That’s okay too.”
Was it?
“So why do I feel so….” He shrugged, looking for the words. He didn’t want to say “lost” again. Not with Riley right beside him.
Her eyes traveled over his, full of understanding. “No one feels happy to lose the person who should have loved them, James. Give yourself some time.” Her fingers were warm and soft on his skin. “The way you faced him. How you fought to protect us all. You should be proud of yourself. I know I’m proud to be here with you.”
He pulled her close, needing to reply, to thank her somehow. But then he heard David’s rasping voice calling a soft greeting, and he turned toward the man who’d risked everything to protect him.
Riley wrapped her arm around his waist and led him through the doorway. David was sitting propped up on a mound of pillows with Elizabeth tucked under his arm. They looked as if they had fought their way through a terrible battle. Their faces were wan and the dark rings beneath their eyes looked like bruises. But they were both smiling.
James paused, looking around the room. Kay and Ethan were holding hands. Zach was leaning against the wall, arms wrapped around Emma. Bryn was smiling up at all of them from a chair under the window. And Riley was pressed against him. Soft and warm and everything he’d ever wanted.
The people James loved were safe and whole and together. He let out a long breath, feeling some of the tension that had been riding him ease. Nothing in the world mattered as much as them.
Elizabeth patted David’s arm and then shifted to the side, making space. David gave her a grateful smile and then opened his arms wide, hope filling his expression. Kay moved first, then Zach, and within seconds they were both holding David tight, all of them laughing and crying with relief and joy.
But James hesitated—even when Riley tried to nudge him forward—uncertain of his place.
Kay turned to look at him over her shoulder with a watery grin, gesturing him closer. “Get in here, James, we need you.”
David met his eyes over Kay’s head. “We love you, son. Our family isn’t complete without you.”
God. Somehow those words triggered the tears that he had held inside him for so long.
He hadn’t cried. For so many years, he’d held everything in, pushing it down, deeper and harder. But now it all came out.
His parents had abandoned him. Gordon had hurt him, again and again, and now he was dead. Jamescouldgrieve what should have been.
He fell forward with a sob rising up his throat. All his anguish, misery, and shame came pouring out. All the feelings that had been buried for so long. And through it all, David, Zach, and Kay held onto him.
Riley settled onto the bed behind him her Shadows circling his, and rested her cheek on his back. Elizabeth’s hand came to rest on his shoulder and Bryn’s on his head. Then Ethan and Emma joined the huddle, and suddenly James was in the middle.
Tears fell down his face in slow tracks until all he could taste was salt, but even as his chest heaved and his throat ached, his family held him.
There was no need for words. They all had each other, and it was enough.
Slowly, the storm of release passed. A clock ticked quietly in the corner. A bird sang somewhere in the garden. His tears slowed and stopped.
They all gently disentangled themselves, spreading out through the room. Zach and Emma made a pot of tea for everyone while Elizabeth reclaimed her place under Gordon’s arm and Kay settled herself beside Ethan.
James pulled up a chair and then tugged Riley down onto his lap. In the past, he would have laughed and joked and been thrilled to be the center of attention. Now all he wanted was to hear the soft rise and fall of his family’s voices and nestle his face into Riley’s neck.
He could have lost her. He could have hurt her. But, by some miracle, she was here. Safe and warm and vibrantly alive.
