Since his phone call—since he’d told her he loved her—she’d had visions of them together, walking on a moonlit beach, and visions of herself weeping inconsolably, somehow knowing that David was gone.
Which was true? Which way did her choices lead? She didn’t know. And that wasn’t how her visions had ever worked. They showed her the cusp. The pivotal moment. They rarely told her what to do about it.
“Damnation,” she whispered to the table. “I hate not knowing.”
A throat cleared behind her and she startled and then barked out a chuckle at the irony. Shereallyhated not knowing, even if it was just that someone was standing behind her.
She lifted her head to see James standing in the doorway. His thumbs were tucked into his pockets, his shoulders hunched. That haunted look back on his too-thin face.
“I’m so sorry, Elizabeth. I didn’t mean to frighten you.” He took a step back, further into the recess of the doorway. “I’ll go. I thought I was due to maintain the wards, but I must have mistaken the time.”
“Come in, James.” Elizabeth gestured to the seat opposite her. “We can guard them together.”
“You and me?” He looked so appalled that she almost chuckled again.
She raised an eyebrow. “Don’t you think an old Seer can manage?”
“You’re not old,” he replied instantly. “And you’re far too elegant to go fishing for compliments.”
Just for a moment, she saw a flash of the old James. The charming boy with bright eyes and unwavering loyalty. The boy she’d thought they’d lost. But the moment passed, and the sparkle in his eyes dimmed once more.
An image flickered in her mind—not quite a vision, but clearer than a memory—of James patiently teaching Kay how to throw a Shadow dagger. Elizabeth had stood at the cottage window, out of sight, listening to their laughter, to their banter and their joy. Kay had only been in Wales a couple of weeks, and she’d been so very sad and withdrawn. And then this boy, with his big, generous heart, had come to visit. He’d come every week, several times in some weeks, dragging Zach along with him. Another lost soul James had rescued.
Zach would sit at the old picnic table, working on his laptop while James set up a target against a tree and taught Kay how to pull the Shadows into a dagger and how to throw it. And slowly, day by day, Elizabeth had watched Kay find her feet.
James had helped Zach through his grief. James had found the triad their place with David in the London Circle. James had kept them together through everything. And James had sacrificed his own love to keep Kay alive.
“Won’t you come and sit with me, please?” Elizabeth asked. “I would be grateful if you did.”
He stepped forward and pulled out a chair, settling into it gingerly. He looked tired and far older than he should have. His hair was damp and spikey, and he looked like he’d just come from the shower—at least that was an improvement. He clasped his hands in front of him on the table and watched the Shadows drift over the ceiling.
There was something about the quiet of a dark house at midnight that always felt peaceful. She’d often sat in her farmhouse kitchen after Alasdair died. She’d sip her whisky and fill in the crossword while the house slept. She felt the same here too. The fridge ticked gently in the kitchen. Someone snored loudly down the corridor, probably Bryn. But James, the boy who had spent so many years joking, bantering, and flirting, said nothing.
She watched him, choosing her words carefully. Recognizing they should have had this conversation weeks ago. “I’m not frightened of you,” she said eventually.
His eyes flew to hers and held her gaze for a moment. Then he looked away. “Yes, you are. It’s okay.”
Damn. She didn’t need to be a Seer to know this needed to be resolved. Right now.
Elizabeth settled her hand over James’s. “I’mnotfrightened of you. That night—in Tintern Abbey—even then, I wasn’t frightened of you.”
“I don’t remember much of that night,” he stated flatly. “I remember pain. I remember the bruises, dark and festering, traveling under my skin. I remember the whole world spinning and churning until it took half my concentration just to keep from throwing up. But I do remember that youwereafraid.”
“That’s true. I was afraid that night,” Elizabeth admitted. “Terrified. But not of you.” James scoffed, but before he could argue, she continued. “Because that wasn’t you.”
He blinked, opening his mouth to argue. But she didn’t let him. She sat up straight, looked him in the eye, and tightened her grip on his hands. “That man was Gordon’s puppet. Warped by the blood Shadows. Driven by—”
“He didn’t force me.” James cut her off sharply, bitterness coloring his words. “I wanted to be a leader on the Council. I wanted to be powerful and respected.” He took in a strained breath. “I wanted his approval.”
Her heart ached for the boy he’d been. But it also lightened. He was becoming the man he always had the potential to be. A man who took responsibility for his actions. “Of course you wanted power and respect and approval, James. Lots of people—maybe even most people—want those things. Especially those who have been taught to feel powerless and unloved by the people who should have cared for them the best.”
She waited until he was looking directly at her before continuing to speak. “When it comes down to it, when everything is on the line, some people will stab their friends in the back to take what they want. Others will sacrifice the thing they want the most to keep their friends safe. I know which of those groups you fall into, and I wish you knew it too.”
“I don’t know anything,” he said, almost too quietly for her to hear. “I spend hours staring at strange ceilings, wondering how much of my life was me and how much was him. If it was all him, then what’s left, now he’s gone? And if it was all me, then I’m a monster.”
“Life’s never that black and white, James. It’s all shadows and shades of gray. You’re Dru-vid—you know that better than anyone.” She sighed sadly. “You were repeatedly hurt by the people who should have loved you, and then you tried to take your power back and did things you deeply regret. And don’t forget, Gordon had been taking your blood and making you forget what he’d done for years. He used the power he had over you—the power to manipulate your mind—to force you to comply even when you would have fought back.” She let go of his hands and reached over to cup his face gently. “But even in your worst moments, the best of you was still there, fighting to keep us safe.” She stretched over the table to kiss him on his forehead. “We forgive you for your mistakes. It’s time for you to forgive yourself.”
Tears welled in his eyes, but they didn’t fall. And she could see he still didn’t truly believe her.
