James had broken into her busy, lonely, gray-scaled world and brought color and heat and vibrant life. He had dragged her away from her desk with its crumpled-up to-do lists and made her laugh. He’d made everything brighter, happier, and more passionate. He’d made her feel like she belonged. Not just for what she could do, but for herself. Just for being Riley. And then he’d taken that all away.
His fervent murmur had reminded her of just how dangerous he was, and the realization was like tripping into a trough of icy water. If she was perfect for him, he would never have treated their relationship like it meant so little. He would never have left her alone and frantic without so much as a text.
You are so beautiful. So perfect.
The problem was, he’d sounded so genuine. His expression—awe and relief, followed by such profound grief when she pushed him away—didn’t look like any kind of act.
She took a long sip of coffee, remembering touching him over the weeks they were together. Flirting. Orgasms. Playful banter. Her childhood stories. His favorite movies. Telling him about the apothecary garden she’d discovered on the bank of the Thames while he listened attentively. But they hadn’t talked about their feelings. Not really.
A sudden memory rose. James lying between her legs, pressing kisses over every part of her skin until she was vibrating with need.I could worship you all day. Every day. Forever.
Or the time she woke to see him lying beside her, watching her as she’d slept. He’d reached out and tangled a finger in her hair.God, Riley, do you know how you make me feel? Like you’re my home.
His last note. Tell Riley I did love her.
A prickle of unease skated across her skin, twisting in her belly. Could James have been telling her how he felt?
She set her cup down on the counter. Maybeshehadn’t shared her feelings. Maybe she had held back more than she realized.
The door swung open to reveal Kay and Ethan, dressed and ready for the day, their greetings breaking into her thoughts.
She let it all go—there was no way she could figure it out now—and focused on making more coffee and setting out some breakfast.
Soon Emma and Zach joined them, helping themselves to toast and fruit and chatting as they sat around the table. They were talking about Elizabeth arriving soon and planning logistics, but Riley was only half listening.
Where was James?
When the others arrived, she’d been certain he would follow. Her eyes flicked to the door, again and again, but it never opened.
She rolled her shoulders, trying to ease the growing tension. She should forget James and put more effort into joining the discussion. But the kernel of worry that had seeded didn’t let go.
Why wasn’t he here? Why wasn’t he eating?
Hell. He’d been on his way to the kitchen the previous night but then fled without getting food. When last had she actually seen him eat something? He must be starving. She was the Healer for the Circle. Surely it was her responsibility to check on him.
She almost went to get him some food, but she forced herself to stay where she was. He wasn’t her patient. She wanted him to leave her alone. Now he was. That was a good thing.
And then her irritation started to rise. How dare James make her question herself like this? How dare he make her worry? She crossed her arms and scowled. Was he still planning to attack Gordon? Would he sneak away again? Or simply walk out. He hadn’t said goodbye the first time, there was no reason to believe he would bother to say goodbye this time.
She’d almost convinced herself that it was her duty to find him and make sure he damn well knew not to put them all at risk with another stupid quest for… for… whatever he was looking for. But then the door finally opened, and James slipped inside.
Relief and irritation warred inside her as he lingered in the doorway, seeming reluctant to join his friends.
She settled back to lean against the counter once more and watched him hovering. And somehow, for the first time since he’d left her, she looked at him and really saw him. Not through a haze of desperation as she frantically tried to save his life, or through clouds of anger and grief as he stumbled away, or in the moonlight as she fought her need to pull him close. But in the cold, clear light of morning.
For the first time since everything had fallen apart, she looked directly at him. Shesawhim. And for the first time, she realized that her James was missing.
This man was darker than she remembered. Unsmiling. He was still a big man, but he was leaner now, his face a little too thin under his scruffy beard. Dark rings under his eyes highlighted the contours of his cheeks. He looked like he never laughed. Like he had forgotten what charming even meant. She’d thought he looked brittle before. But now…. God. Now he looked as if he’d fought a terrible battle… and lost.
How had she not seen it before?
James hooked his thumbs in his jeans pockets and strode over to the table, spine straight, eyes forward. As if this was a trial he couldn’t avoid.
He didn’t look at her once.
“Morning, sleeping beauty.” Kay grinned at him. She reached into the fruit bowl, pulled out an apple, and lobbed it straight at him. Riley flinched. But James didn’t, he simply put his hand out and snatched it from the air as if this was something they did all the time. He wiped it on his shirt and took a bite.
“How did you sleep?” Kay asked, shuffling over to give James some space.
